A Fag In This Numb City

Little Promises

2010-04-19T12:16:00.002+08:00

Karma.

What defines it, the meaning of it is really out of our own imagination. Out of the blue, we are always stumbled upon situations that requires a whim of wisdom, propel of our own faith and make believe promises so that we can strive upon the lonely road that lies ahead. What revelation is that it can turn a person into believing of something can work out for the better. Recent events has led me into sitting in deep thoughts, the deep recession of my actions has led into this predicament that sometimes unexpected happens at the wrong time.

Astoundingly, it had led me into thinking on the positive sides of stuffs. I still have faith in myself and this new venture. The question remains,

"How long would i stand?"

2010-03-20T01:59:00.002+08:00

It really seems awkward that i have to come back here yet again. A familiar feeling but not so familiar face because i don't really know myself anymore.

"What is worse than being dumped?"

For me the worse has come by a lot by being a kept mistress of a mistress of a babydaddy, yet, he only have the guts to tell me that recently when i already know a long time ago. You might ask what took me so long? I don't want to become the cause of things, i admit i'm stupid but that final blow of becoming myself again makes me happier than thinking for the past 3 years are meant to be spending his babydaddie's money. Weird.

So what has changed? Nothing i must say, got into a few misguided path of relationship, even being cheated on, it's like my heart is turning more into a disposable garbage waste. It sucks to not cry and even emote feelings when hurt so deeply but at the end i'm still going to pull myself out if something happens, to me love is really manipulative.

Whoever says that love is blind should get himself shot, because of that quote alone, hearts are broken, faith are not restored, more importantly we are all confused with what we want in life. In just recently i challenge myself into something i'm not used to, a polygamy relationship. Pathetic as i might sound, having to share feelings with two person at once is really nice, but the cliche is once hell broke loose everything is in crumble in an instant of time.

I am so.. over this!

Cosmic Journey

2009-02-07T00:22:00.005+08:00

Relax

Seems like it's a trend or me thinks that end of an era in someone's life that we are forced to grow up in some point spiritually and physically to evolved into greater things in life. Events, feelings, are no more that just that and That, nothing more than just occurrences in life that we have to face. We always backtrack of what we do in the past and see into what our future holds and yet we do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe we are not meant to see it, and we are constantly advancing towards the glowing light in hopes of dreams came true for us, sounds cliche, some does it with ease while others seems to be in a loop of repetitive mistakes unable to break the chain that goes round it, it got me thinking, should i be throwing out everything that i have and really start over again? This black hole has been with me for years since i'm having jitters going to highschool in clean white uniform unable to control what people think of me.

Though those years are gone, sometimes you feel so incomplete because you never experienced it and constant bitching about it is not so "cool" anymore. I'm at this phase where i think why am i doing here? Everything that pass me by doesn't seem interesting anymore; thus opportunity gone right under my nose. I'm 24 this year and i'm still figuring what am i doing here? Others are gearing up to start a new phase of life. Always this question bothers me,

"Do YOU want to be a follower or a leader?"

A stupid question asked by my father and for days i've been contemplating what a mess i am, maybe i am because i ignore responsibilities and it really haunts when one cannot meet expectations from what he is expected. So it's real for me, realities and outrageous negatives bring me down from flying off to the sky, I want to reach the sky but unable to because i just can't.

Looking back what i have written here, it's twisted and constant "Fuck You" remarks to others and myself, makes diarrhea seem oh-so-easy-to-do. So i decided, i want to start a new phase of life and enjoy what i have now and don't have, love myself more and love lurve others more. It's hard as used to being so uptight in the ass, i'll try for once.

I hope you enjoy the party so far, writing on here is enjoyable, met one good friend and glad that i get to read other's life and stories on how they embark their life journeys through tears and hardship. It's not the end (try ending it a few times but gatal nak tulis) it's a new beginning, so i bid farewell and hope you will get your dreams come true, I hope i find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Faggots! LOL

2009

2009-01-15T17:11:00.002+08:00

New Year

Going into a "yet again" repetition of life, i see myself out of sync. Every year would be the best if i can get shitty and drunk so that i see life from another perspective plus imagination do wonders to those drunk and tipsy. For me why bother rite? It's not even a conclusion to do a list of "must do" wishes so that we can comfort ourselves into our blanket at nite thinking i have did that, i've done this.

New faces surfaced in our lives, and i'm discovering what is there for me beyond the horizon, the thin line between boundaries and fantasy. Perhaps traveling to the unknown, going to new places, new stuffs, new food, a little by little uncover the mask of people that surround us. Yet again it's long and mundane, plus i'm getting tired of it. I am in need of a deep slumber.

My expanding waistline is horrorfying, that also include tities much resemblance of pregnant Mums of 8 months ready to pop. So what's there not to like in the new year?

2009

Break

2009-01-08T12:05:00.001+08:00

Godzilla Parents are coming to visit!

Layer Cake

2008-12-30T03:03:00.005+08:00

Kuih Lapis

Mmm, full with coconut extract and at the same time blissful to the taste buds, every bit is so soft and tender just like fat as well, gosh i really need to do something about my two "mum" hanging by everyday, it's like gravity pulling my nipples looking down and gloomy. Well you know, when fat people sit they tend to have their layered fat obviously for the world to see.

Example,

I'm not trying to mock anyone, just that every time i look into the mirror in the gym and see my body, i was so depressed why i can't get my body to change and rather constantly obssessed with hair growing on the chest part including the nipple area! Always use Veet. Well i dunno, tit jokes about fat people is not funny and frankly i hate it when other people make fun of their fat friends in the locker room.

Gym was meant to be sex and workout combined together and sometimes jocks just have to give those glances when fat people sit on the sofa they produce a sight that is forbidden to their eyes, like going to fall out of the socket or something. Everything will please the eye if everyone is drop dead gorgeous.

It would be so much fun to be like him, and i seriously want that chest!

Guess more workout and decline bench press! Pronto

Work, Bitch!

2008-12-26T20:18:00.003+08:00

Professionalism

What does this phrase has effect on people that it really irks me to the heart. It's some sort of confidence in one individual as if they already achieve higher that art thou holy grounds that they find people like me as "peasants" freaking hell. I hated people who has jobs that are really fancy enough. It doesn't help that i am infatuated with older man in their 30's, but i can't deny that i hated for their confidence.

The first reason to begin with they are smart, with their stature of achievement who can't blame them, but sometimes they have this accent when they speak that sounded snobbish and annoying as if they are trying to act British or something, they cannot be humble for themselves. One example is a chiropractor doctor who i've been chatting online, he's smart, witty and full of dry jokes. He tries too hard and i was going to fall asleep when he was talking about joints and muscles when we were having drinks nearby my place, something about muscles pumping blood and the same effect as erecting or something.

Maybe i was not too aligned with the fact that he's a doctor, no common ground? We did enjoyed chatting in MSN but in real life, i wanna stab a knife down his throat, because he tried to be smart in everything, topics about "My Life" goes into

"My Life Is Fucking Fabulous Than Yours"

I was literally offended. Secondly they have to HAVE to change your lifestyle, like this is wrong that is right and example such as the Advertiser who really got into changing my life. If he knows what i'm going about and stop hearing me out for the whole time we are downing white wine on an empty stomach before sex. He was really good looking and for a 45 year old to look like an 30 year old is unbelievable. He does face mask therapy every month and eats collagen and fish oils for daily vitamin for the past 20 years.

Sigh, i really need some best fag friends around my age, and try to like someone around my age? who happens to be lingering around the "Lala Land" and the decent sophisticated young blokes are usually born with a silver spoon or judgmental bitches thinks they are handsome than their peers.

Do anyone here watch Discovery Channel on butchering the brain to get an up close look of the inside and how it works and at the same time enjoys meaningful movies without the stupid British/American slang that irks me when everyone is speaking English? Why am i born with this and liking guys older than me?

No Father Figure to turn to when i was young?

Music Cravings IV

2008-12-24T13:41:00.001+08:00

Nothing significant happen to me lately, and i'm having brain dead in the creative department at the moment. LOL. Would like to re-introduce to one of the Destiny Child's member album. How i love underdogs so much, in my opinion,

Beyonce = CRAP

Her latest single "If I Were A Boy" and the explosive "Single Ladies" sounds like recycled version of B'Day album materials after a few listens. Well maybe i think she is too overrated where everyone and i mean every fag worships her like a drag queen. I mean who can blame her for being so commercialized and during her B'Day days, she promoted herself to be the only one in RnB music to have all videos for each song on the album.

On the other hand, Kelly Rowland got out her sophomore album "Ms. Kelly" and frankly are US market is deaf to these kind of music, and i mean good mix of RnB and Hiphop and all the tracks in here are gems. I wonder why people don't give a chance and sit down and listen for one time before they judge

"Queen Bey is the Queen"

What a load of BULL. Anyways here Ms Kelly didnt do anything extraordinary and to be truthful, all these songs are like Beyonce's first album material "Dangerously In Love". All these songs Beyonce may have done it but failed miserably. On the other hand Kelly sounded good in these slow-mid jam songs.

Like This Ft Eve
Opening for the album, in my opinion this is a weak song to be chosen as a first single, nice beats with Eve's rapping makes the whole song a kick to it, forgettable song after a few spins, i skipped to the next song after a while
Comeback
This song is off the roof, the video is off the roof!

Ghetto Ft Snoop Dogg
This is the song that got me to buy her album, maybe Snoop Dogg was in it, i first heard it on Fly.FM (surprisingly) when the song is aired in the morning and i quickly grab myself a copy of her album. A mid jam tempo talking about being ghetto and sexy.

Work (Put It In)
This is the 2nd single from her album, a fast track with club beats, there are several remixes for this song such as Freemasons remix and Hindi remix to name a few. Beyonce can't touch her at this point, cos the verses and hooks are simple and addictive.

Flashback
I didn't like this song at all, too much flashback and backwards

Every Thought Is You
This sounded so much better after "Flashback", Kelly showcased her voice which is average in my opinion, she can hit at most 5 high notes and that's it.

The Show Ft Tank
Sounded like Janet Jackson's material about having sex and just for show.

Still In Love With My Ex
Banging track for Kelly, i wonder why this isn't release as a single or trying to promote the album, this is the track that Kelly wanted to become single but quit trying.

Love
CRAP

Better Without You
Boring and too dry

This Is Love
This song reminded me of Beauty & The Beast at the opening, nicely laden guitar strings with her vocals made perfect for this song that you wanted to play during one on one time with your loved ones.

Gotsa Go Pt 1 Ft Da Brat
Good ending for the album with Da Brat! (remember Mariah infectious Heartbreaker Remix?).

*Daylight Ft Travis Mccoy
This is the song which makes me wanna dance all night long, this is by far the best effort she churns out.

The Verdict : Buy this album and putting Beyonce out of the picture, this is a good upbeat and solid album that Beyonce wanted Sasha Fierce to sound. Kelly is talented and beautiful at the same time have credits in her work outside of US market.

Track Listings:

"Like This"
"Comeback"
"Ghetto"
"Work"
"Flashback"
"Every Thought Is You"
"The Show" (featuring Tank)
"Interlude"
"Still in Love with My Ex"
"Love"
"Better Without You"
"This Is Love"
"Daylight" (from Ms Kelly Diva Deluxe)
"Unity" (frm Ms Kelly Diva Deluxe)
"Comeback" (Karmatronics Club Mix) {frm Ms Kelly Diva Deluxe}
"Like This" (Redline Remix) {frm Ms Kelly Diva Deluxe}
"Love Again" {frm Ms Kelly Diva Deluxe}
"Unity (Stay with Me)" {frm Ms Kelly Diva Deluxe}
"No Man No Cry" (frm Ms Kelly Diva Deluxe)

The bolded songs have videos and check them out! :)

Sunday

2008-12-21T17:42:00.002+08:00

I'm horny

I jerked off 3 times and it doesn't feel right

I need a play mate, many many playmates to play my playDong

Sigh the sex when you need it but you can't get it cos you're not drop dead gorgeous

O.R.G.Y

2008-12-16T21:57:00.003+08:00

Jeez

I'm exploring in to some virgin boy hole just so he would open up, gosh i'm fucking hard as i'm doing the fingering thing, totally a turn on when your partner is a virgin boi who just started to walk the Rainbow brick road. He was moaning under the pillow like searching for his voice and i prodded with 1 finger, deep 2 fingers, by 3 fingers he's having precum all over his stomach (seriously stimulating?), then the unimaginable happen, my friend shove his dick down his throat while the other guy was sucking me hard while the virgin boy is moaning and twitching like a a boy in heat.

Never a fan of threesome or orgy in this matter, there were 4 guys fucking outside in the living room. It doesn't happen that way, i was invited by my friend to go to his house for what you called "good old time sake" session where this guy is married to his boyfriend in search for fun, i was skeptical at first but went anyways seeing i'm horny at that time, apparently 2 blowjobs from the past is not sufficient enough for my sex appetite, i need to fuck a nice round ass. He picked me up to his place and on the way he said there is another 2 guys.

Well, i was turn off, i thought he was going to do one on one with his big Dong, (the only guy that i would let fuck hard), was very excited i get to suck a humongous treat only to be greeted by 2 other guys rimming each other 69 in the living room, then he said,

"2 guys in the kitchen drinking, and the other 2 is in the bedroom already"

Apparently his friend is the keeper of his home while picking me up, i was wondering what the hell is he thinking leaving the house to total strangers. In the bedroom there was this Chinese boy, 20 years old, nice face, an average body, not skinny like an anorexic bitch, he has a nice butt, meaty. I was instantly hard and the other guy stripped my pants off and suck my cock, my friend was kissing me on the neck and started to grind his cock to my butt.

The only reason i hate orgies, is i had to share, i hate to share, it's like a meat market where everyone must be doing everyone, it's like passing a turkey around Christmas dinner table and enjoy the juiciest meat of all, orgies have etiquette, you can't be stuck up with your type, you have to pretend that you liked being kissed by a troll and you have to bear with the lack of skills in foreplay and fucking whichever guy you bump in the parties.

So mostly orgies are invited on "invitation" basis only, mostly involves good looking guys with hot bods, think of it a buffet fest with exotic cuisine. Orgies involves drugs, i was not keen on taking it but i just had to try it. I took a cheaper version of Viagra and 15 minutes later my cock was more straight with veins visible for me to see, the orgy took part on last Thursday where PJ declare as a holiday seeing it's Sultan's birthday.

My friend was so happy that i implied to the idea seeing he's so happy to see me, i just try for once chem sex, then later he said the effect would be more if i take ecstacy pills. Well it's not the first time i'm expose to these kind of things, i have a police officer Dad and i'm a rebel during my 18-21 years stage, i'm practically try things even drugs because i was curious. Anyways back to the E part, i was quite baffled and rejected the idea, because i dun wanna feel shitty the next morning or when i'm sleeping that night. E tends to make your mouth dry, the body hot and with Viagra, gosh the effect is doubled.

I took it anyway but i told my friend i only fuck the boy that i'm eyeing. He said ok and then blasted dance music on the background. Moanings, sucking, licking, rimming the whole bed is occupied by 4 guys, 2 in the living room, while i was fucking the boy facing the window and adjacent to the other building of my friend's place. It is important to have friends when you're doing orgies and drugs at the same time, a friend can check if you're wearing a condom for safety reasons, eventhough i liked Treasure Island Media porn flicks doesn't mean i have to advocate it. It would be silly thing to do.

I was using the boy's hole like mad, thrusting inside him and stay in there and pull it out and fuck him again and repeat the same actions he was moaning for more and i just fucked him, the sex with the boy lasted for 3 hours before my legs are weak and i had to sit down for a while, then the other guy wanted to sit on my cock, i was still conscious (one pill of E is not enough to make ppl high) changed into a new condom and he just sit on it grinding while the boy was being fucked by my friend, and hated he get his sloppy hole gets attention from my friend with his big dong, i just fucked this gym guy so hard.

My balls are boiling at the moment and i just cummed inside of him (with rubber), the condom was so full of my cum when i pull it out but my cock is still hard (zzz). Yesh, hated the fact that Viagra helps you to stay hard for 5 hours and you cum like crazy, and most probably you stay hard for another cumshot. Usually Viagra makes you harder to cum, but when i'm this horny and in need to fuck, it helps with the cumming process.

Rested for a while and go into the toilet for a shower and clean up my hard tool, the boy followed me into the shower. We shower together and kiss and make up, didnt' know that this boy can kiss like a pro and has a pro ass as well, seeing he just took my friend's cock and the other guy at the same time, he was using the poppers like mad, but i just held him close to me in the shower and we bathe together.

After shower, i went into the kitchen for water while he was kneeling sucking me, then we fucked again in the kitchen, he was in the kitchen waiting while i was searching for condoms in the living room and got it and rushed back so that the other guys don't get to fuck him. The other guys was enjoying in the bedroom i just have my sweet time enjoying with the boy outside.

The whole session lasted for the whole nite and i was slumping on the couch when i woke up in the morning and the boy on the floor, i picked my things up and wake up the boy, we went back together after saying byes to my friend in a taxi, apparently he lives only 2 streets ahead from my place.

=_="

Should i do it with him again?

Bubbles Underneath

2008-12-07T20:23:00.002+08:00

Shower break

Was feeling fine yesterday, so i decided to ditch my study cap and go to the gym for a good old session of pumping irons and 30 minute cardio run. I was very horny for the week, havent been masturbating for weeks, my balls are full of dripping cum that it was about to explode. I went to gym about 4.30 pm barring any implications, the gym is empty with a few patrons here and there.

My luck i guess thinking it would be a fine smooth day. Started with the usual reps of chest and arms, and suddenly there was this hunk doing some arm stretching right behind me, with his balls (almost) close to my face when i was doing my barbell chest reps. Shocked at first, it's like massive meat hurling at me.

He has the most annoying stench permeate from his body, due to the dripping sweats by his head, i was appalled by his "sending message" ways. Though he has a body better than me, i doubt it was really my fever that make me hot, i fucking resent that. There are so many space to stand in the weights area, why he has to stand behind me? He was desperate and i was not too keen to have toilet sex yet again.

I ignored him, though he's hot and all, i just need to finish everything i'm planning to do before i even think of having cock in my mouth, kinda explains the desperate situation and to be classy at the same time which most gay men do, in order not to look so desperate we channel our inner-self which is draggy at one point from, for example Brian to Diva Brianna with flocking colorful feathers and tiara with shiny shiny color stones to go with it.

I mean yeah it's just unharm coy flirtatious or sending "signals" why can't we be bold and just grab our cock in broad daylight, which i did when i was in the member's lounge area after cardio, to send him "signal" and i just proceed to the locker room upstairs.

Barely a soul around the changing room area, the sauna and shower stalls are packed with action, closeted and gay guys waiting outside, going in and out of the sauna room waiting endlessly by the hallways pretending to wait for an available shower spot, been there done it, it's like back in the 90's where gay sex is taboo and people would visit parks just so to get a blowjob.

I just hang out in the sauna for a while and gave a good 20 minutes of sweat out of my pores, he just walked in and sit beside me, there was only 2 of us in the room and we "fondled" each other, it's not a real fondle like a dog finding his bone through the bushes and he didnt fucking trim it, it was as George Bush's Bush, i think its a National Park out there, ive been misjudged by the smooth outlook of his body and forgot all the details down there.

Yet another blowjob in the shower stall, and frankly why can't i get proper sex? with a room, a warm soft bed with minimal lighting and sexy jockstraps? I kinda missed the sex i had in confined bedrooms and tie my partner up by the bed and saying

"You're a very bad boy today"

A blowjob was not enough, i was face fucking him and i explode all over his face, 2 weeks worth of load and i was going spurts after spurts while he was just enjoying being cummed in the face, he was surprised that an average fat guy like me has a big dick and cums like crazy. We shower together for a while and exchange numbers while changing into our attire.

I seriously need a boyfriend ASAP before this fetish get outs of hand.

Cantik Tak?

2008-12-04T01:39:00.005+08:00

Ugh

It's the end of the semester already, and everyone rushing back to their home sitting aimlessly looking at the pile of notes need to memorize for next week's exam, frankly to say i'm not so fond of reading it. I rather chew on Cheetos and Cheese and get fat (joking, i would slit my wrist if i did that). The downside is, everytime there's exam around the corners people will get the jitters and me on the other hand got the high fever and admitted to the hospital.

Going there alone was a bitch, sitting on the bus enduring the cold air-cond, while people give me that "satu macam" look, especially that MakCock infront shooting laser eye visions thinking i'm gonna spread virus to her as i was coughing so badly, with my unshaven face, eye bags i just keep staring at her and she switched places immediately.

Going to public hospitals (UM Hospital) requires you to wait, when i'm there i still feel ok so i just walk slowly to the counter and take a number and wait, since it's 355 and currently is 345 i thought i would grab a bite since i didnt ate anything last night, popped in the nearest Delifrance for pricey bread and overpriced milk. By then my whole body feel numb and rigid like Medusa's face wrinkle lines, totally cant talk and my hands turn into crab hands.

I was breathing so loudly through my mouth, i just got up and walk to the counter for help, but the Nurse send me to the Trauma/Emergency section and i have to WAIT again, until all the time waiting being prodded my hand with a drip, imagine my forehead is boiling and possible an egg can be fried, i waited for them to admit me from 11.30 am to 5 pm.

CHAO CHEE BYE

Sometimes it's just courtesy to curse, being efficient is good, but don't know how to prioritise which patients needed help and obviously called me to walk to have X-Ray when i'm looking like a dead zombie, by the time i waited until 5 pm, i was ready to give up but they called me in and throw me on bed almost immediately. Now i'm fine and been discharged, and i can continue to study my stuffs.

On the other hand about ChaoCheeByes, there are many dickheads around ourselves and the one i hated the most is COPYCATS. How i hate it when he get credited for the things I DO, fucking conniving bastard, i hope you will die of syphilis and have gonorrhea for until you can't shit to save your life, that goes to the BIGOT BASTARD leader who is offended by me and being so MamaBear, i'm intruding his turf and making him look stupid at some point.

It was the leaders idea that tell him to COPY mine, i don't mind you take a little from here and there, but the whole thing looks familiar to me, yes not your balls cos i'm not interested they might be small as a peanut shell and i re-assure you i'm bigger than you! :) No wonder i heard banging the ass sounds so much during sex.

Ass wipe. Please go wipe your Bigot Leader ass, he's shitting fast scarring i'm gonna take his place and be popular in class, which i will by bring my indiffrence between me and him, i don't bad-mouthed people with their problems. Did I forgot to tell you he's a Virgo? More the reason to play cunningly and rape his sorry cunt ass in front of the big crowd, that will crush his so called,

"Ipoh Guy Pride"

CHAOCHEEBYENIAMAKANINACHAOLANJIAO

Here's some comparison that the Ass Wipe made, and the lecturer likes it, and Ass Wipe has to say.

" I did the website with effort"

Mine(Initial)

Mine (redesign)

Ass Wipe's

Did tell you i'm dealing with 20 year olds who still think that concept wise in advertisement still involves sex and drugs? Predictable and very awkward.

Brighter Discontent

2008-11-27T22:47:00.002+08:00

Liked

Never been a fan of anyone or anything in my life. Currently, i hate myself too much to adhere to the fact that i try too hard; relationships, friends, family all cooped up in one potpourri of mess and troubles. Maybe that's what keep me sane in my state now and tore off somone's face while pinning him down to the exhaust's pipe. Sick and grosteque is so overrated, people kill for a reason.

I was back stabbed in class recently, and blamed for letting my guard down for a moment of weakness thinking the soft bed in Alor Setar and the warm cuddle of someone i slept with recently, a great guy with brains and enjoy sipping wine while French kissing in the balcony for hours. I mean what's so hard right? It's just a fake affection to someone you barely know, and i just wanted to feel comfortable sleeping with him for those 1 and a half hours.

In friends i try too hard, trying to buy affection from them so that they would pity me a poor soul alone and deranged, I hate the Pharmacist, in 4 years of knowing him he would say to me

"You're a brainless useless hole"

In times, i would think myself of that, i figured that i'm too old to be studying and too old for games, is it hard to pretend that it never happen and be happy? I have everything that an average guy didn't have, mere intelligence that surpass people in some way? A conniving cunt at times to save my ass from being whopped? Why he has to hate me so much?

I admit that i'm a klutz, but i'm not a raging slut, i do repeat sessions with my encounters and it's a mutual thing for all of my encounters, is it so hard to accept me because i'm fat and still people want to sleep with me? Or i'm more intelligent than you and much more composed when something happen. Why you had to show ur ego in front of me everytime u lose a debate with me?

Why? Why i think of you when i saw the CD that you liked and i found it in some vintage stores yesterday while strolling around after a movie alone, i wanted to mail you the CD as an ealry Christmas, but i guess i'm worth nothing to you and you too. In fact, when i think back, i've been very humble and holding me down for not shining as myself. :)

I loathe everything and anything about you, and for once in my life, people dumped you because you are an arrogant arse, even Chris (remember the time u had sex on webcam & showing it to other ppl) said he pitied you because you are such a cute face. It didn't come across to me as shock, but surprise that in times people look at you like that. I feel happy for that moment that not everything that you have would make you any less happy.

SO WHAT people talk behind your back? You deseved everything that they said. I already said sorry but you HAVE to insult me everytime u have the chance, i hope you will find another guy soon or else ur a bastard who will marry your coursemate just for the sake of having kids, plus the fact that u liked cocks makes it much more deprived of how morale you are.

Please dun talk so highly about yourself and your professional work, no doubt it's a high career job but you will be SITTING behind the counters dispensing. I wish you the best and hopefully you will fail one day and realise that ur arrogant self is the cause of your problems

I got backstabbed lately, and it open my life a much more vast horizons in seeing things, and this is the first time that i am able to express my feelings towards you. :)

Music Cravings III

2008-11-20T00:07:00.003+08:00

Underdog

Kind of like in my state where everything i do is being watched and being compared. I'm too scared to ask for opinions where usually i would be opinated in everything i do or even something i do. Guess when you put yourself out there, people just have to find something to say about you. I hate being discussed as a main topic.

I am so over it.

I would like to introduce to you my favourite singer,

Dannii Minogue.

The much more sexy sultry sister of Kylie Minogue, in comparison given a chance i think Dannii would surpass Kylie in many ways deepthroat or anal. Now she has settled become the public eye by appearing as a judge in X-Factor (the same shit that Leona Lewis got her big break) is a UK based American Idol. Good for her still in limelight for being a total bitch on the show to that twat Cheryl and being constantly compared musically, Cheryl is a joke let alone Girls Aloud.

I like Girls Aloud, but no so when being compared creditability with Dannii! It's a fucking insult. Well introducing her another compilation album, after the "Hits & Beyond" yet another compilation album, the only album that is successful is the UNDERRATED "Neon Lights" which has popular hits such as

"I Begin To Wonder"
"Put The Needle On It"
"Don't Wanna Fight This Feeling"

These are some of the available music vids from that album, and it's the same time as Kylie's "Body Language" album, she succeeded in topping the club charts and ARIA charts (for club music) and earn 2 gold discs, that's the highest she can get after being thwarted by her bitch sister Kylie. MUahahaha?

Moving on, this album is much more of a surprised really and she embraces the selling of songs today, that is buying online (since she know she will flop, this is the best to save cost on CD's and covers) Club Disco can only bought online, and yes for once in my life i bought the whole album online for the price of $ 14.99, in MYR about 56.60 something, but it's worth it! lol

Disc 1

Touch Me Like That
A solid opening for the album with collaboration with Jason Nevins for the mixing of the song, in the video she's having some lezzy actions with her dancers and wearing latex, and that fierce heels! Fuck makes me wanna own one pair and keep it for weapon-defense based. The song is a club thumping choice to spice up the crowd.

Feel Like I Do
The tunes is just like "So Under Pressure" which in critics terms B-side singles, which is shit that went through production but never get the chance to showcased them, this track is really fabulous, but after a few listens, i skipped to the next track.

Perfection
Another favourite from her, which has the vibe where luxury mix with sex. The video itself is freaking fierce and those long legs....

You Won't Forget About Me
I was surprised to hear this track in the gym recently, that Dannii's music got here so behind, way behind of time, The song is a collaboration with Flower Power, i recommend you get the Radio Edit version beause the intro is 2:50 minutes long, the song also comes with a music video.

Love Fight
One word, BORING & CHEESY

I'm Sorry
The verses are really similiar to Madonna's "Sorry", here she hasnt has the power to shout, i'm sorry, sounded more like she's moaning while a dildo up her vagina. Nevertheless another great track with the music back up.

Gone
Bored after 5 listens.

So Under Pressure
Sometimes this bitch misses sometimes with songs, but with this she can do no wrong, this was from the "Beyond & Hits" Album, a song about her slut sister Kylie battling for breast cancer, how the nerve she would sing this song to that bitch. It's an addictive track with sick beats and verses. In the video she look Madonna-esque.

Good Times
I dunno which track is this from, i got bored and reverse to the previous track.

Sunrise
A song about sunny beaches in Ibiza.

He's The Greatest Dancer
She introduced this song when performing during an event for children, and to say this song is a grower after a few listens.

I Can't Sleep At Night
Another favourite anthem from Dannii, this song topped the charts in Amsterdam and Sweden, i got this song from my cousin in Sweden saying this track is the shit there.

I Will Come To You
I will come to Haunt you? LOL, boring song after a few listens.

I've Been Waiting For You
YAWN..

Round The World
This song reminds me of One Hit wonder ATB i guess with the same title, she sings about travelling around the world with her man, if she ever get's one, i have a feeling she's into lezzy action.

Xanadu
This is what Kylie wanted her "X" album to sound, but Dannii DOES IT BETTER! This is a cover version of Olivia Newton John's song, but she make it at a slow pace and it's perfect for lounge music.

You Won't Forget About Me (Afterlife Lounge Mix Edit) I Can't Sleep At Night (Afterlife Lounge Mix Edit)
I liked the original upbeat better.

This album comes in 2 discs, Disc 1 is above mentioned, Disc 2 is the gem remixes of the songs, i bought the Australian version from i-Tunes. lol

Disc 2

"Touch Me Like That" with Jason Nevins (Stonebridge Club mix)
"He's The Greatest Dancer" (Shapeshifters Remix)
"Perfection" with Soul Seekerz (Seamus Haji & Paul Emmanuel remix)
"So Under Pressure" (Soul Seekerz extended)
"You Won't Forget About Me" with Flower Power (Discode Club mix)
"I Can't Sleep At Night" (Kenny Hayes Sunshine Funk mix)
"Touch Me Like That" with Jason Nevins (Space Cowboy remix)
"He's the Greatest Dancer" (Riffs & Rays remix)
"Perfection" with Soul Seekerz (Koishii & Hush remix)
"So Under Pressure" (Steve Pitron remix)
"Do You Believe Me Now?"(with Roger Sanchez) {her first song to get ppl noticed}

The verdict : Given a chance, she's the better Kylie in my opinion. She's already a favourite in club music playlist let alone now since she's a judge in X-Factor. I hope she produces more music, and this album is release at the end of November 2007, and some of the songs would last longer than ANY Kylie's song.

Music Cravings II

2008-11-14T16:46:00.002+08:00

Facebook

The dawn of new replacement from so called fuzzy anime character being used as wallpaper decorated with funky lines and color Friendster. I was just browsing through all the invites, poking here and there through profiles and come across a lot of gayboi profiles. Dramatic, prolific and expressive in their ways through pictures, i was quite wee jealous lar so to speak.

They can be so colorful, weekdays doing their high highness walk, weekends clubbing rave, and sex craze sluts in between slots of time lol i was overreacting. I just wish i can be like that, a small piece of me out there. Guess i don't have that much courage since i had so many issues to deal with. Been listening to music lately to sooth the soul not that kind of nice slow music, something to fill my big space living room with loud sounds and bass.

I'm in love with her, Lady Gaga.

When this artist been getting a buzz around the internet lately, i was quite skeptical, i was a fan of Christina Aguilera for sakes until the "Keep Gettin' Better" song and to be compared Gaga's is an insult. It's good when there's an honest pop album which uses electro-futuristic style mix with a hint of pop.

Addictive chorus, cheesy lyrics is what this whole album is all about, i break down every song and from my point of view, i'm not a music critique just something i wanna put in my blog to get off my mind things. LOL.

Just Dance

The opening for the song is fucking brilliant, heavily synth of bass and addictive tunes, this is a fast grower in a short period of time, the video seriously underrated, she was so fucking fierce (having sex with a plastic whale :O)

LoveGame

It took me awhile to get the idea of having sex with a "Discostick"

Paparazzi

A love story between paparazzi and herself taking pictures and hitting it big on screen, just like Boys Boys Boys later on the album, but this song for me is boring.

Eh Eh (Nothing I Can Say)

I thought that this is a reggae song lol, and it's talking about relationship gone sour and gone eh eh? Not a good expression to express feelings, but it's laced with beach-like-esque, this is as addictive as Mariah's "I'll Be Loving You Long Time" minus the high octave note at the end

Pokerface

I've listen to Pop and gone to heaven fucking. The beats are almost the same with "Just Dance" (same producer) but her voice sounds robotic for a reason that makes the song special,

"Can't read my, Cant read my Poooker Faaace"

Beautiful Dirty Rich

A song about being young and rich, the video looks cheap with her donned in Kylie's "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" plunging neck white outfit in red with fishnet stocking, high heel boots and SHOULDER PADS (seriously) the song is just so so.

The Fame

I adore this one to death. The title says it all with rock beats and non stop repetitive chorus.

Money Honey

A song about getting paid and buying house by the West Coast and licking up vaginas and sucking cocks. Her man also give good kisses. This is a grower after a few listens, i listen for 3 times.

Boys Boys Boys

The formula is the same as "Paparazzi" but better in comparison, and it's addictive just like us licking up hot guys abs in our dreams, cotton candy song.

Brown Eyes

From here, Lady Gaga took it slow from here to showcase her vocals, good second song to last to end the album, definately worth the hear.

Summerboy

This song just makes me more determined to get my abs and show off by Kelana Jaya's poolside and drag a hottie down his trunks. She's trying to be coy in this song, with pauses along lyrics. Worth the listen.

There are several versions for this album but mainly i just take the UK and US verrsion, and this versions comes with bonus tracks, i just list down the songs

Again Again

I Like It Rough

Paper Gangsta

Starstruck (BRILLIANT, BITCH KNOWS POP)

Rock Show

Wonderful

Disco Heaven

The bolded songs are really nice to the ear and you will catch up with the additive verses and music. The verdict, she's not a one hit wonder like all critics says it, and she has already a cult follower, moi lol The whole album is the best since Madonna's "Ray Of Light" which stills listenable rather than the crap "Hard Candy". Worth the buy even though i downloaded all the songs

Monkey & Gang

2008-11-03T20:35:00.002+08:00

Rabbit Hole.

"When will Alice goes to Wonder-land. Would she ever stop being so naive and wake up?"

It's urging arse out just to pleased others so people will feel good about you and not aiming those hot missiles at your direction, if it miss it's a diversion, if it hits, it's BINGO. Like me being dissed in college "indirectly" by those bigots in class serves as kind of purpose that i'm weird. I didn't admitted i'm Gay, i just shook out a beautiful lie that i'm Bi, which in denial believing that people won't judge me in person.

I was naive, because out of 1 in a million, there are potential young bigots who are so closed minded and laughed at fag jokes, even the hunk married guy that i'm constantly having blowjob also thinks fucking without foreplay is very satisfying for the bottoms. Bigots who really have many things to say, foul mouthed and thinks he's above all around and smart!

YOU'VE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!

It's a joke to deal with this arseholes like they are from another planet where huge tits and Brazillian wax exist while looking like a used whore giving lap dances for them to have erections, forget Viagra, hanging tits like Grandmas turns them on, like everything involved between women and their muchachas there's not much to say.

But when your being dicked by other dicks, you get press, attention, out of all things the spotlight on you. It's a world crisis. When getting down on the hunk married guy pants, he didn't showed resistance when his cock was in my mouth, all i get is moans of pleasure and says i give a fucking unbelievable job at servicing cocks. Well, i'm not doing him anymore for the following days, and he can call his wife to suck his cock.

I don't know with straight men why with their bed skills are so blah, no foreplay, no nibbling, no kissing and the brain contains images of getting into their girlfriend's pants and have kids. It only took 10 minutes for him to cum (for your information), i can't judge because in my life i've done 3 married men and they are not over 45, instead they are executives in their 30's with gym bods and equipped with average 5 inch dick.

It's just a preferance, i think a nice bubble butt with hard pecs not sore to the eye and i feel comfortable having a relationship, and i don't mind enjoying looking at tits of a very beautiful woman, but one point is clear not EVERY GAY MEN wants to do YOU straight BIGOTS.

WE HAVE A FUCKING TYPE!

Papa Don't Preach

2008-10-30T23:59:00.002+08:00

Daddy

How insulting it is being mistakenly bad mouthed by some strangers that thought i am a single parent. The horror knowing men in the 21st century can be so gossipy worse than their counterparts, the point is being bad mouth by some pushing 50 old couple when standing and watching my every move.

So what i bought 2 Cinnamon rolls, a plate of chicken rice, and a KIDDIE meal spaghetti while dining in IKEA with my girl-housemate automatically i'm a single parent. Bloody hell with people's perception that when you bought several Kid's Combo i would have a football team of sons/daughters. Kudos for being so nosy in under people's armpit.

It's a normal thing, even in college i have to put up with back-stabbing gestures with my happy-go-lucky face, i'm trying so hard not to laugh at myself for what i have become, in true survival of the fittest, outdo yourself and keep the enemies closer, going to class is like stepping on a minefield where every move that i make have to consider if i'm in a safe zone. After dealing with class politics for almost 22 years of my life (minus this year) i am sick of people gossiping behind my back and i have to pretend that i'm "A-Ok" with it.

Just admit it, in our world nowadays, no matter your're straight or gay, you can have a shitty face with a nice body, people tend to like you a lot better than you're outspoken in your abilities to do things but you have none attributes that make you "extra special". It's like a pixie dust, very shiny and glimmering that makes one glitter.

OH FUCK ME!

The one thing that i don't have is a perfect cut body, that i am not a man's dream with washboard abs or watever that is to take it to the top, I might just swing my fucking thick dick right in front of your fucking face.

With that i turn around the Old Couple and said,

"Yes, and i fucked your daughter; you didn't know you have a grand-daughter of 20 years old?"

With that, they were fussing and cursing at me, then my friend came and she said,

"Papa, what is it with Granpa & Grandma?"

I replied again,

"They didn't take their pills this morning"

The couple pissed and still cursing and i'm enjoying my Kiddie meal and 2 Cinnamon rolls, my housemate happily ate her chicken rice which tasted like crap, everything that is cooked in a bundle is crap anyway.

It's a good day, rude and unforgiving.

For Good?

2008-10-26T21:45:00.004+08:00

Empty.

This room in my life where i'm sitting alone and watching people pass me by, it's hard to accept it at first that i'm now alone, and i'm trying to cope with that with ever plundering assingments and works piling up to comfort me and fill my time. As time progress i had quit my part time job during weekends. It was weird indeed that this job help me through finiancial crisis, no doubt in my current situation, i'm still broke.

That aside, i just bought a new laptop with my savings, RM 3500 is the price that i get after posing for a teary story that i worked my ass off to buy a laptop plus additional beautiful lies by my sister to boost up the story so it is believable, kinda a slash price after being discounted for 40% from the original price.

So that's about an update i guess, besides the mundane things that are numb to me, for instance the backstabbing sessions in college, i'm still in "holiday" mood after a hiatus 3 weeks in hometown has rendered my sense became weak and i'm suddenly the minority in class, it's like they are finding some gay guy in class and isolate themselves from me since they miracaulously found out this blog, at any rate i'm still fine as i'm showcasing my diligent self in my hardwork and some bitching along the way, i'm not complaning i'm embracing what shit is on my lap.

Shit that would be torturing my mental for months for now, i be glad that i didnt slit my own throat or others "Hostel" style. In sombre mood i think i would locked myself in a room and shout my lungs out while punching a sack. Fuck me silly i would say it.

Anyways chow, nothing's much in my life lately, sex and booze is not the main ingredient anymore to alleviate my life, maybe sex afterall i'm a slut ain't it? I'm on a breakdown for the moment, until i have no interest in going to gay sites anymore, maybe it's a good break and concentrate on studies and gym, that's good news?

The Other Side Of The Fence

2008-10-12T23:10:00.003+08:00

Lost

When Bachelor Girl sang "Buses and Trains" 10 years ago, she was right. Simple tune and unlogical lyrics being walked under by a bus and hit by a train, she was expressing her experience through 2:54 minutes of the song. Frankly haven't we made mistakes and repeat it again?

I am blinded by the esctacy high of becoming of someone but not myself, and thus i constantly hold back what is the real me. I didn't tried hard enough for myself and constantly give up on myself, even the fear of clicking a few clicks to reveal later on i passed my semesters with 4 B's and a couple of A's. I can do it Fucker! I had prove to myself to dumb ass that said i can't.

Yes i admit i have done a lot of mistakes and it had came haunting me biting me in the ass, i was known as the imposter, 2 faced and most visible is my status as a slut is still grounded in all those fucks with guys and even girls. Yes, i have gone to the extend of bidding to the other side, more to say the middle, it was not bad, but quesy with those fluids aroud the bed and thighs kinda irks the whole process.

Lonely boy gotta find his light rite?

I'm trapped. The world around me is crumbling into pieces. Guess they don't call it start all over again and still like the feeling? It's not falling in love, is finding who ourselves are and outdo ourselves and go every step of the way to not fall from our position. I am going to shine and prove to you that i can in every way better than you!

Landslide

2008-09-18T14:58:00.002+08:00

Check Mate

I just had to find time for myself to restart my own needs and wants, so what's better to do just to have a chess game with your housemates and really win everytime. Sucks. Well good for me, i still have'nt lose the fire in me, much more like a desperate attempt to renew my aims in love, is it time to say goodbye? I hope i'm doing the right thing at this moment.

Though i lost trust in people that i care, i only can do is to settle my score with my examinations which ends this Friday and hopefully go back to hometown and lick my wounds, i am in need of an alone therapy and do drinking and crying at the same time. It wallows up in me, and yesterday was a compulsive behavior of eating 3 buckets of ice-cream in the morning, starved through lunch and had Hydroxycut pills during the afternoon and regret later and went to gym at nite to burn off the calories of morning's ice cream.

I have gone into attempt that nothing in front of me is relevant anymore, and yet i cannot accept the fact that i failed miserably in my social capital. I don't even have one to begin with just perpetually following trends, mad behavior, and my misleading judgments which lead to nothing but trouble for myself.

I tried to hurt myself but i chickened out, why should i be the one who should be miserable and in this state that i am, others are content with themselves as i scroll down my contacts in MSN, everyone is happy being themselves, why am i the only one who wants to change so bad that people would take me seriously, Seriously?

Watching too much movies with sad endings kinda like a suicide note to myself, why am i so stupid. I feel numb to my feelings, when my heart should be full of excitement pumping with feelings but i feel dead inside, everywhere i go i would think of it, i hate it and i hate to remember it.

Guess i am in a standstill afterall, when would the landslide begin and is anybody there to pick me up? Oh i forgot it's zero. Kudos to life, it wouldn't be called life if it weren't messy.

Cotton Candy

2008-09-03T16:48:00.002+08:00

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

As Cyndi Lauper says it in her hit, which deems her as an gay icon, sort of apart from Madonna and the Minogue Sisters. In modern world, fags are trying to pry themselves from the fact that not everything is about sex, it's possible but some of us are just so delusional that fags are not all always about sex. Amusing that the fact that they are fags who still thinks there are happy endings at the end of the finish line. Just waiting for the time. But when?

I'm sarcastic enough to say that being out and proud is not enough to prove to the world that we are normal, nor to say same with the so called "normal" people. How to define normal from normal? It's absurd to say that we are equally on par with them and it's degradable to be said as abnormal.

In the end, we have to make major sacrifices to ourselves, instead of being our own skin, we pretend to be someone else, that's where the term straight-acting comes in hand, I met plenty, but only a few of them admitted they want to be themselves while most of them are just fucks in hotel rooms to satisfy their hunger over ass, bigots is what they are. Well, dun blame me for being so general, as i just simply categorises pushing 40 guys who still wants to call you early morning just so he can taste the warmth of shit stuck from last nite and reliving his hippy moments when he was young lusting over dicks in public toilets.

I mean the "hurting my family" excuse is always the punchline for all of us, even i do not have courage to stand up being myself in front of my parents but yet we are urged to defend our rights in the public eye. It's a big ambition and it takes a lot of guts to do this kind of stuffs, but when participation involves only a small group with a few experienced talkers and audience in a large art studio, i start to wonder why bother at all?

Let's put it this way, so what if we have our rights recognised? Would society accept us? Would we get specialty in taking drugs in clubs and sex? Would we be having more pink spots? Would people change and try to advocate the openess of our community? Would more men come out say it loud and proud?

I do believe that things would change if only religion dies. I do not trust the core teachings of our religion because it's not changing with time, do people find peace in faith? Maybe my parents do find faith in Buddhism, but we can't deny the obstruction of our activities which deemed sin in our religion. Without it, we would definately become more vicious, but at the same time this world is full of venom of our own human sins, why would we hold up to our beliefs in the things that we do? If we thought is right then it's right, plus it's hard to judge what is right or what is wrong.

In the end, do we really care deep down in our heart? Don't we just want to pursue our future and have fun at the same time? Even the elite-thou-holy do have more sex than normal fags, experienced counts rite? Is our rights equals to more sex? Changing bodies and holding hands just so we want to prove we had them. People smiled because it's courtesy, it's not all sincere.

Apology

2008-08-29T18:53:00.003+08:00

In recent events in my life has rendered me to apologizes. Firstly, people in my life come and go, some stayed friends, some just took off from where we left. In the end we are both left with nothing and one day we have to move on. Starting off for this blog is for me to tell my stuffs, about me, and all the crossroads in my life. I do at one point wanted this blog to be known, naively thinking that people won't read some random faggot blog with mudane life stuffs. Then i got bored and one day i find some random pictures i took of myself and other naked in my storage and till then beginning the sex stories in my blog.

No doubt it really promote this space into a much higher attention, one blogger once said that there's no benefit being anoynomous nor there's benefit of being exposed, it boils down to how we look at things. In this blog i rant about my family, my friends, sexcapades and myself. There are sometimes the labelling of this group that really offend the people around me.

I would like to apologies to The Pharmacist, actually there are 2 Pharmacist that i've known, one is of course my best friend and the other we had a brief moment of lust which i written on 10th of August 2008. The post had been deleted due because of my best friend saw it and people assumed he was having sex with me. Sometimes i forgot to label the names with appropriate wording which render the majority of this profession a bad rep. I can say nothing but only sorry.

Sometimes when i got bored, i just write watever it's in my mind, saying everything and anything that popped up mostly involve random thoughts of myself and relate to other's people life, sometimes i had blogger's block i tend to make up some of the stories which are fake, which seem believable with my writing.

I'm sorry also for not being honest and i directly hurt the people around me that i cared about. I am changing, i wanna change "change" (thanks Magus for the quote). That's for long term, no one says it's overnight nor it's forever, i'm not discipline in my life, but i do take a step in taking my studies more seriously this time, i don't wanna flunked, i even quite my part time job effective from next month just because i wanted to have better grades and not disappoint myself and others around me.

Lastly, i apologies for causing the bad reputation on my friends and family.

Overdosin'

2008-08-27T02:43:00.005+08:00

Rainbow Pride

Having something that is inaugural with the fabulous parade featuring the LGBT community marching as ourselves, feeling comfortable in our own skin, being gay, lesbians, bisexual and transsexuals. Well the fabulousity of the parade with va va room effects, over divaness and a whole lot of eye candies in skimpy tight white spandex showcasing a whole lot of abs, chest and arms.

Here, a gathering where straight and faggots come together as one, as much it's a holiday celebration in other western countries. Well i'm not going to talk about feeling comfortable in our own skin and all that drama, kinda like overdosing on steroids and Viagra on gay men where repeatedly mating calls are made as bootie calls; date for sex and the mercy fucks. Who can blame us for being so horny? The male mind is full of smut.

It did popped my mind that i'm observing too much, blame me for having so much time to think crap rather than indulging in healthy activities such as cleaning my plastic closet overbearing a whole lot of clothes. If Carrie can have a 2 bedroom closet why i cant have more clothes than i usually wear? Same concept applied to hunks in gym with the exclamation point,

"I have it I SHOULD flaunt it"

It irks me that gay guys need to show off their bodies while changing, wearing an underwear can take a whole 15 minutes, slowly jumping at the base of the feet, slowly the fabric caressing the thigh and finally onto the waist, then they have to shift their balls right in front of people in full view. Having salavating watching hunks, it happens also with the less desirable are to show off.

Disdain by the fact they are not that cut, it's the pride that they have. Why is it so that every gay guys have this self esteem of being proud of who they are, proud and loud to conquer the world where that pride can be easily replaced by a five finger discount? Even changing into working attire can take long enough than my grandmother taking a piss.

Yes, i got that you have a nicer body than mine, bloody wear your shirt already, still prodding and walking around the locker area with your beer belly. I'm not here to judge, but i dunno maybe i'm very jealous; by means jealousy turns into sour hatred towards the elite races in homosapien circle. I had issues, unresolved issues that i am not concentrating on my workout while watching Mary doing her bicep curl.

Yet, bigots comes from closeted case scenarios where married guys asks for horny gay guys to suck their dick, like they are our fucking bosses, like the ones who calls to check every other day if my place is available to fuck. Apparently, my hole is so tight and fleshy inside it fits perfectly around the thick shaft of his cock (when size i dun lie) Gay pride for them? Yay we should celebrate with champagne. With them, the sluts have other viable options to be humiliated, fucked and cummed.

Isn't it fun to be out there? Out in the whole wide world.

Bloody bigots with their egos with their fucks and discreetness, it's so selfish. I hope they get caught by wives and the wives cut their pee pee with garden shears. It be much more easier not thinking with our dicks and being called Bubble Air Brain. Like for example in gym, for those in Axis, you prolly come across a mid 40 guy, who look very serious with his eyes big enough to fall off from his socket. He always says the same things to the other cute fair guy, long hair guy and an mix Indian guy where they usually comes after 7.30 to 8.00 pm.

When he sees them he said,

"Wah bigger than me lar, what the fuck!"

So many vulgar words and all he has a nice body but hairy on the front from the chest to the stomach, but he's so obvious, closeted and discreet? Go fuck a wall please, and pin your face on the ceiling while you're at it with Rainbow Pride printed on it, better yet get a Betty Bop tattoo on your ass.

Invisible

2008-08-20T00:34:00.007+08:00

Gorgeous

To the guy sitting next to me because he's skinhead, muscular body and a nice face. I was sitting right across of him and yet my friends didn't saw my existence until i reminded them i was right beside them while they were walking past beside me after gym class. I have to do sign language, hand gestures, the big "Hey, HERE" so loud that they notices me. Does looks overpowers intelligence? I'm appalled by the blunt truth in front of me.

It is a fact that an ideal fag should be tall, slender/muscular, cute face and a bubble ass to boot, think of a walking sex machine on Viagra would be a more appropriate term in our superficial small small gay world. It's an outburst of tears and the end of the world for average guys like me. I do care a lot of my appearances, my body mass keeps adding up making humongous tits, with flabs by the waist, a combination of body hair and facial hair, i look like a perverted uncle ready to hound his next bottom fuck.

Not that i hound them, i do enjoy fucking virgin twinks just so they would squirm their lungs out begging for more. For the 23 years of my life, i have been obsessed with weight, what to eat, what not to, frankly i'm tired, i want to eat nice food without worrying about my expanding waistline, not worrying when is my next high cholesterol in my blood, and for once how i wish that i would be anorexic! It's for real that i think such horrible things but i'm tired of people judging how i look.

You might say it's people perception but deep inside of everyone of us we do wish that someday we would look like someone that graces the cover of magazines, getting the limelight everywhere, being treated differently, given specialty just because our beauty surpasses everything in what we do. Though we may have the intelligence, would people appreciate what we have without beauty? People might say they don't like a dumb blonde, but an intelligent guy with no looks? Better yet in our gay society, established career men over 30's with a nice body but no one wants to be partner with.

I always constantly asking myself would, why, how questions. Why can't for once i satisfy for a neutral question that does not revolved in what i excel in, my weight and my never ending thirst for sex? Is it so hard for me to be just myself and be accepted solely myself? Does uglies forever worshiping the pedestal of the bold and beautiful?

In other times i have find a release from all this questions and i find this sweet potato in Nuffnang community.

It's Nathaniel from The Little Prince. So much for thinking babies are spawn of Satan ready to make their presence be heard and heed by brothers and sisters. This baby is just cute, and i fell in love with him and that's so much for affection, never did i find babies/kids cute.

Way Ward Ways VIII

2008-08-15T20:07:00.005+08:00

Pornstar

That's what was resonance in the air while i was on all fours having the most sweetest fuck of my life, it's my second time being fucked and still have an hard on, the last time i had it was way back with the threesome with the couple back in Way Ward Ways III. Met this guy when i moved to PJ. When i was in my old place, i wonder if all the hot guys stayed in PJ, my doubts answered when i got hook up with this guy Jack.

Jack was a little large on the frame, had a bit of excess weight by the waist and lives nearby my place SS2 as i reside there for my studies in UTAR. We met on guys4men.com. where portal of ingenious fun and more sex to begin with, i was led to this student house where i used to live in the coop hole in Setapak before i reside in this land house by chance with cheap rent, he was 27, although the place was messy i was quite impressed that he decorate his bedroom

Table for the computer, books are organized and a radio on the floor for music listening, the taste in his music is quite odd when hearing oldies while we are doing the deed was quite an experience. It's romantic no doubt, we started kissing each other on the lips and move on to the nipples where i suck it with his t shirt intact, slowly i just take my time to play his nips and slowly licking down until his stomach and began kissing, licking his arms.

Lucky he has a fetish for arms as some people are turned off by it. Then i slip down his crotch and started to stroke his cock, I licked the sides of his thighs, and slowly taking his left ball into my mouth giving it a good suck-squeeze (like squeezing an orange with your mouth), in proper term tea-bagging. Then i moved on onto sucking his thick stick, apparently 5 inch is not enough but he has to be thick.

Was giving him a good wet blowjob, deep throating the monster while he was standing up and face fucking me. I was in heaven, and find this pose is natural to me, being face fucked while my right hand was jerking off and my left hand grabbing his butt.

He was versatile top, which explains the moaning when i was rimming his tight butt. He too give back the same treatment and with his skills of using his tongue, i was not convinced that he hadn't had sex in a few months nor recently, bottoms would squirm with ecstacy when being rimmed using the tongue going further inside, i was drunk is ecstacy when he did that pre-fuck and post fuck.

The usual i was fucked missionary, sideways, lay on my back, doggy-style. Sigh the amout of time we were humping each other, he still dun wanna come, i have to grind my butt so that i would hold my "bladder" plus tightened my ass so his cock feel the warmth around my A-hole. After for 2 hours we stop fucking each other and decided to jerk off.

I kiss him on the cheeks and buttoned up my shirt and pull my pants out, from there on, we've been fucking several times when either one of us are horny. A bootie call one may call it. He ended saying,

"Such a pretty face, pornstar"

I'm honoured, kind of.

*The pictures have been altered, as it was showing my full face of ecstacy... not a good sight

Pretty Young Things

2008-08-07T11:13:00.003+08:00

Boys Boys Boys.

They gimme gimme. The tune is so addictive and yet thinking about it makes it more me more desperate. Been constipated with assignment papers, and the recent drama turmoil doesn't help to dissect less that ordinary. I have been having dreams of pretty bois or pretty young things like Ah Che would say.

It's really odd that i would be having this kind of confessions over pretty boys, usually i opted for more bearish, muscle-ish hunks over 30, i would never have found heaven in pretty boys. Pretty boys in my category is not skinny and cute (lala-ish) but that kind that has a lean body, nice sets of bum packing heat with a cute face. Gosh i didn't know that twinks are not "twinks" anymore much more like a grown up version of Pop Boys.

It didnt hit me until i was having erection over one of the porn i downloaded, and i find it amusing i would be watching underage kids being popped their cherry and that turns the crank up, the next thing i know, i was sitting in front of the computer savouring every bit of the scene and resent on jacking off cos i'm meeting a bottom from Singapore this weekend for an all nite marathon fuck.

Guess people are right, we feel insecure because of our not expanding bank accounts, we need affection from the older ones so we would feel safe and happy, but little did we know we committed ourselves or much to say sell our souls for little happiness in life. It's a cycle, where the term "money boy" is born. I dun blame for gay guys being one, nor look down upon them, cos neither me or others can possibly judge them, it's their own poison they are taking.

Talking about pretty boys, they dun necessary are sissy, that is a fact but coincidence i might bump into a soft pretty boy and moan our loud :P, now i know why Tops like to find pretty bois for fucks. lol

Anyways thanks for the emails ive been getting in my mail, appreciate the advice and some food for thoughts, it helps and i dun need to cook chicken soup just to ponder about it. Thank you.

Wash and Dried

2008-08-05T02:28:00.003+08:00

Dirty laundry.

Hard to justify in the means on dirty laundry we are agonizing how it felt when it comes back biting your ass.

It bloody hurts, depends on which situation we are in or facing. Having so much dirty laundry involving groins and ass, i'm not whining, just merely in the process deleting all of my pictures. Sigh now i am to be blamed for a breakup of a relationship of a slut, and a realization a far "friend" would do after you fucked with a blogger.

In the end what's there to bitch about? it's here all along, it took you long enough to find it, in this case took the other party to find it and i'm now to be blame, funny how does one counterpart needs that much of a support from the other, totally useless and zero self of pride. Does every gay relationship will reach a "stagnant" state we need to find others for release? In these case i admit it's fun to screw with other people boyfriend, and having to tap that bubble ass, and even get to taste the drilling it comes with a heavy price, being called a whore. Because the other half is goody-two-shoes in friend's eyes they judge the whore as a vile vicious relationship breaker.

My e-mail is filled with hate mails now, and i dun even wanna read them.

Does dirty laundry worth not washing?

Does washing makes you cleaner?

Nuffnang Gift Idea Contest

2008-08-02T16:56:00.002+08:00

Labels for gifts?

It's comparative having to choose gifts for fellow friends and family, yet we searched through an abundant list of catalogs and go on shopping sprees. Searching through covers and covers of magazines just so we can find something that is suitable for him or her. It does makes one confusing with the likeness of the gift with the recipient personality and style, therefore sometimes we are dumbfounded when we would buy something that he/she didn't used yet cost at an exorbitant price.

That's the problem with giving gifts to our loved ones, we are dumb with choices and yet trying to get a hint from the recipients what do they want, but mostly the effort comes with futile expectations. Sometimes we would laugh at ourselves why we would go head over heels just to buy an item that is suitable yet usable at the same time.

Scratching head about what to find, we logged on to websites to help us do the decisions, in the Internet era, finding an item is not difficult with the suitable website, in this case Realmart.com.my. Why? Searching an item with categories sections has come in more easier rather than we ourselves searching the high hills and lows of Klang Valley. :)

Much more anticipated, i was spoilt with choice of what to give a fellow Nuffnanger, Frankie Tan.

Since his diversified personality with a well bubbly butt, no doubt obsessed with cam-whoring activities, sending him a gift through Nuffnang Gift Ideas Contest, i would give him a digital camera,

Not just an ordinary digital camera but a Canon Digital 860 IS digital camera that comes in a silver color, suits his bubbly personality and most importantly, taking pictures with style. The sleek body of it's silver frame makes him popular, not girls will coming hovering but boys drooling all over him.

So much for usability, it's also a chance for him to showcase his impeccable catwalk down the runway, an epitome of elegance and style, confident, young and fresh. A Diva walk. Why so many other cameras area available and better but why this model? It's because it's easy to keep, and Frankie can whip it out anytime to snap like a rockstar!

Party like a Rockstar!

That said, giving gifts comes also with a heart. A heart to cherish the bond between two friends.

Walk Of Shame I

2008-07-31T10:50:00.004+08:00

Sexcapades.

One can brag and boast about it, it's a conquest afterall, especially for gay guys it's a achievement, the Great Wall of China, the Roman empire and so forth in describing how big is our conquest is. It's a norm for gay guys to kiss and tell (like duh sex pics and detail anus describing?) you are not a gay guy when you didn't brag about it in front of your sistas, how many guys can he do in his years of pink life? 40? 60? 200? 400? or even 2000?

I heard from someone someone's friend did 2000 guys after 30 years walking the pink flag, impressive figure as much we calculated how many guys we did, but sometimes in those figures there's the odd one which we would forbid ourselves to speak, worst case scenarios scenes. So much for drunk driving and car crash, scenes such as this we Queens did not dare to tell. It's a kept secret much more to say we don't want to walk down the Walk Of Shame.

Nevertheless we did walk down the Walk Of Shame when we slammed the door behind us, it's just our perception of seeing things. Well, so much for Way Ward Ways where i share with you guys, enlisted to the crucial details such as his size and thickness of his dick, let's share some of the odd moments i encountered and still counting.

The first meeting of deflowering myself is not with the guy way back from the WWW first post, it was after that i got so itchy "underneath" i decided to fuck him as well, as for tops virgin bottoms comes as a fun conquest for them, because of tight holes, inexperienced and eager to learn. For them it's their opportunity to bareback. After so many hook ups, tops find their pig sex bottoms are getting looser by counting down their days, people are so horny nowadays sex can be at full public scene without anyone's business. Take a quote from Samantha Jones,

"It's crucial to "tighten" our holes, you wont know when you're next sex is darling, I'm doing it now too"

Yeah we all know the taboos of unprotected sex, but for my first time, i was paranoid, so therefore he bought the thin texture of a condom, which is 002 i think so, some Japanese brand (after buying recently Okamoto from Guardian, you can really feel the deep penetration not the condom, like not wearing anything at all)

I was scared, because the he was HUGE, way huge than I imagine, he did said be prepared but didn't expected would be that "prepared". He was dry, very dry in fact that he doesn't kiss just went straight for the nipples, and mind you he was biting me instead sucking me up like a protrude balloon. That said when he kiss, he does it good, apparently this Malay hunk with a 11 inch dick is much more.

I just sit there by the sofa, nervous and at the same time grabbing his crotch which now unveiled his thick mushroom head needing tender attention, like any gay porn flick i watch, i proceeded to blow him, i was so amateurish i keep on grinding my teeth with his shaft, he was moving unevenly on the bed, i was gagged by his huge cock, i did let it out several times, because my jaw was in pain, he was like thrusting me like a hot rod, and to think of it he thought that was hot, seriously. =_+

Then came the Holy Grail of virgin bottoms, the asshole, tight red, tender, untouched. he eagerly ate my ass, and to tell you i enjoyed it, he was good. (God knows if he still remembers me lol) then he proceeded to fuck me, fast forward where the akwardness of fucking a virgin is hard, with few insertions at a time and moaning for pain, blood and all. The next thing i know i was riding his 11 inch long cock on all fours, i was pinnning my face down his pillow, moaning, sweating. He was fucking me so rough and fast, my legs wobble a bit because it's my first time being pounded so hard ala Machofucker.

After humping for a while, i keep holding my hole tight for him, little did i realise i already shit myself on the bed! So much for having a good time, i did ask him to stop because i needed to use the toilet, but he was nearing to cum so i hold it until then i spurt all my "waste" out onto his cock, a little bit by the stomach. The waste mixed with blood was all under my ass resting on his bed. You guess he be turn off, but NO, he said

" There you go boy, let me lick it"

I was choked and turned off, i get permission to get up from the bed, and went to clean myself up, geared my clothes up and kiss him on the cheeks and close the door behind me, the first and many to come Walk Of Shame.

Ragdoll

2008-07-30T17:47:00.002+08:00

Skank.

Much more familiarity when tastes have gone down from ho's to skanks, much more the predicament the terms that we often put it on our lips hurts so much when heard it ourselves, not that we regret saying it to others. The case rests whether we question ourselves ,

"Why am i so bitchy?"

The thought of asking oneself questions is bizarre when this is considered as case of bullying people with disabilities, much more having said critics about people who do stuffs different from the norm. People can't be blame, we are curious, the need to know, especially involving salacious gossips. To the extreme we need to have our own dose of Gossip Girl. XOXO.

For me? I've been meeting guys for fucks, cos my lovelife is dry, i once again throw myself into the deep penetration, back sweating activities just to release myself, i find comfort in those nights moaning under the pillow sheets, grunting while i was at ass on all fours, spurting cum all over their face and occasionally blowjob from a guy who then i got turn off cos he likes it bareback.

Sigh, the fact that i enjoyed having sex, i like having my stiffy in someone's mouth, i like kissing, i like fucking deep sideways, i like everything about blowing a cock, i like to touch a lean toned body, i like guys over 30 with huge pecs, i like thick cocks, i like being gagged while being fingered, i like fucking on the kitchen table, park, toilet, sofa, car, van and even under the bushes.

I cannot explain my fetish for my dreams only to find out i woke up with myself in bed, jerking off 4 times to satisfied my hunger for sex, of course i linger to have them, but i was a bitch to myself not to, control people said. Should I or should I not?

Till then i have gym doors welcoming me with warm hands, make me more determined to become a pretty boy and huge pecs coming my way, in the mean time i stuff my cock in my pants, and cum buckets over porn on my computer.

Ohh Machofucker, rape me please... throw me around like a ragdoll, use me like a ragdoll, waste me like a ragdoll. Oh the bliss just thinking of it!

So Kiss Me Already

2008-07-25T17:37:00.001+08:00

Men.

A little more than compulsive that women thinks of us as self absorbed ass from another planet with nothing but gonads, quite true when men are always in awe of everything of their ego, not willing to admit mistakes and most of the time ashamed of what people thinks of them. Can men be loved? Why men can't be viewed as a weak entity? Being absence from my life, i have been doing stuffs that i would never imagine i would enjoy doing it.

Sigh, the amount of questions pondering around myself prancing like Mary Poppins, annoying and at the same time curious what would the answers be. Are men as interesting as their bank accounts? I for one do trust that relationships works when both parties are independently financed, past fuck ups do teach me a few things or two, is it possible that gay men find their bank accounts are more attractive than love itself?

Has the trust of love dissolved with time, that the pure trust of two person is simply just words, a certificate of marriage or just baseless affections, have men come so far as being not interesting just because he does not have a 'stuffed' bank account to begin with. Does earning a decent sum of salary judge the people you acquainted with?

The things that you buy, the service that you subscribed, does having several 50 bank notes and credit cards means that you are well off, does driving a car would boost our self image and more importantly changing our outlook to become buff really help us to have more sex, more dates, more options available?

The amount of time and effort we out in and for what purpose? Do we even ask that ourselves? Or we just sail through easy and breezy with people doing it, a cult to follow.

Do we intend to whore ourselves, and in the end get something better than what we have now. Despite all the questions, i also noticed something changed within me, i have become a stalker to this one particular guy in LRT, he always wear the same trousers to gym, his Power shoes, his gold framed round spectacle, his crew cut hair and his humongous biceps. I have even winked, smiled and STARED while he's on the same train with me, same time and we have meet face to face several times, i even can tell that he's using Shokubutsu Orange shower gel to bath, used Loreal hair products and he always bring a water bottle along in a plastic so that before he got off at Taman Paramount station he can refill and bring it home to do God-knows-you-do-with-it.

Have i been vague and naive? What have i become? Can't men be loved so easily that we have to become this state, lonely and stalking our loneliness out there in the cold pink world. Does one person is judged basely by age, status and looks?

Malaysia Can!

2008-07-12T23:22:00.002+08:00

Selfless jocks with brains a peanut size, dare being dared. In the end who is the one who got caught? I just made him more famous.

Not upper east side apartment, but merely some rent whore house with one of it's whore who happens to have a nice bubbly butt, Did I mention his lean young body?

Ugly Brian

2008-07-09T19:47:00.002+08:00

Hungry...

Dammit, at this crucial time, the flu virus hit me. Hated being sick, makes you vulnerable and oh so horny! I'm not kidding, i've been sick for almost 2 days now, after gym in Axis, i doubted i would contract any bacteria from there, but it's a possibility rite? Plus might be the weird "ET" roommate who like to isolate himself and eat (macaroni, sausages and egg on a DAILY basis), yeah he's not getting fatter and by the way skin is white as a baby skin, and he has flu before maybe he contracted it to me.

Sore throat, body aches and sleepiness. Hated to sleep the whole afternoon, then again sleep the whole night, too much sleeps render me to become tired and inactive, unable to think which explains i stop halfway in my Moral assignment and fled to Hospital UM for my check up which i am so stupid lost by that 1 minute! Apparently, i'm there 4.58 pm, i was registering, then by 4.59 pm the counter lady told me all doctors has fled the building. Now i understood why the need to go to a hospital early, plus it will be costly to be visiting a private clinic nearby, guess i have to endure the sheer coldness through the night with my trusty blanket and jacket, then go again in the morning.

I'm trying to resent the urge to sleep, trying to finish 2 more artwork before having 2 Panadols down the bottomless pit before hitting bed, speaking of which my meals have been doubled from 6 to 12, imagine eating breakfast and cereal, lunch then cereal, afternoon break then cereal, dinner then cereal, and supper mainly cereal. It's odd that one's body system can eat so much during sick times. Cereal, Cereal, Cereal, i swear one of these days if it doesn't show any effect, i will cut myself with a kitchen knife.

Being laser eyed by hottie hunks who try to use the chest barbell equipment, only to let me reach it first, while they are sashaying their bubble butt to the machine, much more an expression like

"Yo Dawg, your in my fucking turf!"

Like I fucking care! So what you have a nice toned body like i care with your tattooed arm and pretty face, you are better off sucking cock and get pinned down fucked furiously by perverts! Go and fuck your superficial self!

I had enough already with ego jerks! Ugh, i would just concentrate on working out rather than fantasizing, which will resume after these 2 days, seeing the fever has gone down or not.

On other notes, you peeps take care of yourselves, PJ is a mosquito-infested town!

Dumped.

2008-07-08T14:00:00.004+08:00

I have serious issues of abandonment. Been swamped with work for these past 2 weeks, tired as hell whilst the roommate insisted on having lights on stark early as 6 am, fucking annoying because when he does need light, he put on sunglasses to study his notes, and when the need of not wanting lights, he switch it on so he could look at his files in the room. One of these days, i would bend him over make him scream like a little girl!

Been so stressed out that i need to release, guess the porn addiction is coming back again,

In my download list now,

[Tyson Sportus] Super Porn
[Tyson Sportus] Jurassic Powers
[Tyson Sportus] Gay Tarzan
[Tyson Sportus] Yummy Cocks!
[Beast] Muscle -Zoom Up
[Machofucker] Igor's Return
[Machofucker] Russia meets Cuba
[Machofucker] First Black Cock
[Machofucker] Kid Hercules
[Machofucker] Puta
[Machofucker] Tarik
[Machofucker] More of Tarik
[G@mes] Yeah!
[Sean Cody] Jay's Flip Flop

And the lists goes on...... I need help, finding release in a wrong way. oh yeah i just posted a new picture on www.fuckrace.com. By the way, every download is almost 95%, call me crazy? I am.

Like it, no?

I'm going crazy!!! yeah i'm going crazy!!!

Pretty Boys & TheIr Gay

2008-07-03T12:11:00.004+08:00

"What if I don't see them as sex objects?"

This question popped up in my mind while i was doing bicep curl with the weights, i was looking at hot muscle boys with their huge biceps, sweats down their neck and those huge nipples protruding out of their thin "J" shirt. It's hard not to attract attention when you are one hottie standing there with other trolls. That trolls includes me of course.

Sometimes i think that i'm being delusional, make that everytime i think myself as delusional rather than reasonable, meeting guys without the thought of sleeping with them is hard, but as i'm trying to get grip of myself, i am changing by my outlook on others, firstly not looking them as sex objects. In the past, all meet ups end up with fucks that are mere 2 hours behind closed doors.

Now i want to get to know people, their inner feelings and accept of who they are, maybe i have overlooked some people that cross in my life, time to do some reconnecting story or somesort. But i guess you have to be hot to be noticeable. I do believe that blonds have more fun, more a quote in teenage-sex-humour movies where cheerleaders asses are being grope by quaterback rugby players and being used as a monument or accomplishment as girlfriends or temp-girls. To think of it, it's another form of prostitution. :P

Should i embrace the new me or just stick to i am now? I'm confused, if i'm what i am now, i be alone for all my life, without love, without warm feelings and without SEX! God, what i would trade for a long session of blowjob and molesting my loved one! lol

Well, guys like that dont look the way at guys like me, trying hard to have an image, building up confidence or that sort of guy, another metaphor is, rugby jocks dont look the way at girls who are in the school band playing trombone. Because their perception is cheerleaders do have a nicer ass compared to a suit up though the blowjob might be great (she's blowing trombone for sakes)

~~~~

In other news, The Pharmacist called, after broken off the 4 year friendship, it's odd that he stills care deep down but he has to say at the end of the call

"This is not reconciliation"

He wanted to ask me out, but i decline because of assignments pilling up my desk, I want to go out but work have to be done, so i missed the chance to meet him and maybe try to salvage anything i have left. My pride has been crushed, so all i have now is my integrity to move on, i just need to hear what he has to say before i do that, but instead i choose to stay home and do my work. Am I stupid?

Guess i'm foolish to believe what i would want to happen. Foolish Foolish Foolish.

Bleeding Wound

2008-06-30T09:24:00.003+08:00

Wanted.

Things have changed in my life lately like a hit on tsunami wave. Unable to escape it's wrath is much more like a predicament that expected. As the saying goes "Life Goes On" "Live Life To The Fullest". Too bad i find all these encouragement words/quotes are crap. Totally useless and equally non-existant in my life because i havent been praised that much during my years of studying and growing up.

Familiar quotes such as "You're Idiot" "You Havent Tried Hard Enough" "It's Just OK" are just a norm in my life rather than weird. In days like this, people tend to think more of the negativity than positivity in life. I am for one the example of the victim of verbal abuse and mentally health challenge, a healthy dose of sarcasm and insecurity that contributes to the fact that i am weak on the hands of the greater power and suck up to other public figures that ive known and suck up to their asses everytime, emulating something that is not me.

I lost my friend, quite a character here if you know who i'm saying. I lost him to my past, i always forgot how small our circle of gay groups in KayElle. Rumours racing around mouths, past histories of worthless jerks, akward fucks, cultivated sex buddies plus a whole lot of bombastic intrepretation of who i am as a gay guy. I can't blame anybody, because i myself made it this far with a bad history of repetative mistakes.

Being called 2-faced, back-stabbing, liar bitch is alright with me but when i did'nt know that i was being labelled by people who didnt know me, i was furious, with that he broke off our 4 year friendship. I dun even have the chance to defend myself, what's to defend when the other party hates you as much as he hears it from other people. I have done my mourning my loss but still the feeling of him around the places we have been still linger around. I guess i have to get used to the fact i am all alone now.

My tear-ducts are too proud to cry. I am a walking time bomb. It's time i find an unexpected place to let it out, so i am not perfect as i highly describe myself here, I am just a normal guy trying so hard to impress others, but that's when your gay. When your sttraight you couldnt care less of what people perceived you.

A time to change perhaps i be back in his life as a more refined person. I'm still not giving up.

Holes

2008-06-23T10:38:00.002+08:00

Infidel Satan = Isetan

Insignia = IKEA

Mind Torture = Mid Valley

Hell Pavement =PAVILLION

The Hornet = The Gardens

I hate hate hate sales!!! Hate Hate Double Hate!

The Dirty Mistress Club

2008-06-21T10:40:00.002+08:00

The Dirty Mistress Club. Sometimes it's just odd that we have been following the rules and regulation that we have set for ourselves, even though it's unreasonable but yet it makes sense to follow it without fail so that we would find ourselves rising above. That's when people are wrong, we make rules because we want to restraint ourselves from our desires and needs, therefore lines are being made so we would not cross them, so in the end no one's getting disappointed.

I crossed that line, i find myself dating guys who are already in a happy realationship so much for being so morale with all those pathetic judgment on people who cheats on their boyfriend, i'm on the other hand spread the virus even more, i'm in the whirlwind of deceit too. That makes me less than a human, less from the so "rise above" self that i set myself for. It does really sound minor of good old times sake of having fun.

Wanted to hug and kiss him more, and it's been the 7th time we meet under the sheets of the hotel saying how he loves me too. For the first time i was taken by the charm of his manliness, the sculpted body of his hard earned gym and for the first time I like everything i hate about him, the feeling that has linger to me up until now. I resent the feeling, it's impossible but why.

The electronic clock is half past 8 pm, he gets up from the other side of the bed, kisses me on the forehead and headed for the shower, I just lay down and think why i feel so guilty having to do this again with him. It's not like we are lovers or anything, we started with sex and ended with kiss, hugs and affection words. It's get complicated by the minute the electronic clock strike it's minutes into 9 pm, where we just hugged through the nite with him carassseing my hair and we both soundly asleep until the morning we we check out to eat breakfast before saying our goodbyes and meet agains.

Some people say and will hate this kind of people, but it's not wrong. It's just affection and lust combined into one making it the most deadly combination for people deprived themselves from love after all this time. It's not wrong when you are having harmless fun and unintentional flirts with him sometimes, it's when he's giving you stuffs that's when you get bad. Similar rings like his, dinners just for two and treats you like his own boyfriend.

He still loves his boyfriend very much, i'm the lost cause, the "other" one people said, why i have to succumb myself to this kind of man over and over again? In a few weeks i would be deprived of my energy to think about him, i need strength. Guess the club's membership wont expire until i expire, i need that expiry date. Can someone stop me? Please pull me from wandering deep into the ravine of darkness, alone and unable to come out alive. Being eaten by lust and affection, I want to wake up.

Wake me up from reality.

Rewind-Fast Forward

2008-06-17T17:25:00.002+08:00

Warped.

Everything seems so warped speed these days, realizing friendship is so volatile to teetering brink of hurtful emotions and lost without a guidance in life. Work has been abundant lately with assignments that need attention to, reports that need to write, research for a new subject of amusement and constantly thinking about the past few days what have i've been doing to myself. Self torture, self humiliation of myself, and i am not capable of controlling my ever emotion to end this pathetic debacle over and over again.

Perhaps i find that interaction between people is more morbid and awkward, in times we are so well versed connected through the digital world, I tend to try too hard to just being who i am, being reminded by far more superior of friends who seem i am just another lowly class. I hated the constant bullying of my emotions, playing with my mind, and constant sarcasm of an overly confident in his appearance and looks. I feel repugnant standing next to you, nor even to comment your vanity that you exude everytime in front of me.

I hated for what you said about me all these time, i've been kept quiet for too long, now i have said in in front of your face, i felt relieved, i felt a sense of myself belonging to the lowly class that you hated so much, you might act very classy but your low class ways exposed you to the superficial world, go on with your superficial self, as i am lethargic with your over confidence gayness. I am not an object to be push around nor i am a rubbish.

Seems everything that revolves around me are maggots. Dirty, filthy and brainless scums which seems to ate this part of the world bit by bit, continuing with their own instincts to live by eating up others and in the end die of venom of their own sin. I believe we each of our own have an original sin, it's whether we want to realize it or not, mistakes being made without apologies. It became worse than an ideology of hate.

I spit on you scums, I should not be bearing on these emotional trauma that you have been causing me.

Lost in translation.

Messful-ness

2008-06-08T23:08:00.004+08:00

The cool air of the conditioning blows through my face as the living room is dimly light with a disco ball rotating lights around the house, everyone was nice, the food was great, the ambiance couldn't be better, well of course when your drunk with alcohol units you tend to find everything seems to be in place, in the midst of the party i find myself snugging up at end of the sofa and sit there silently. People watching.

Was invited to tag along for a party with some of the Pharmacist friends, it's the second time that the Brother calls me to tag along, more to say chaperon for him so that he would have an excuse of not being alone. Not amused by the fact that i'm not having fun but more amused by the reality show that sets in front of me in full frontal motion. Superficial, genuine all of potpourri feelings of friendship, brotherhood, lost loves, ex's and strangers under one roof.

It's nice that you get to be served like a King whilst the Birthday Boy has cooked a delicious sumptuous food for the guests to eat, from honey rib sesame chicken, grilled lamb, vegetables, quiche and even desserts. The guests came bearing gifts and food to cater to the expanding guest list as the party took it's toll into the eleventh hour. Without even reminded i know where my problem is.

The passive-aggressive behavior that shows throughout the party by not interacting with people, socializing to say. I find myself weak in this area, what are you suppose to do in a party full of strangers, though I like the bread pudding that one of the guest made, i dare not even get close to him to ask for the recipe or even started a conversation. The horror of getting rejected and shunned by the rest of the "family" members as i'm only the stranger there. First time seeing them, first time in their house, first time introduced to a vast of behavior of people which mostly can sums up the profiles in Axcest and Fridae. See a lot of familiar faces and even online sarcasm nemesis know, knew, known the friend's friend.

Complicated that our gay relationships can get, where when you slept with the guy the next thing you know he is your friend's friend and then a whole lot of sisterhood came running at you bearing crosses and torches impending wrath upon you. Gossips and rumors circulating around the circle and eventually it will hit you that you have been labeled names that even yourself don't know know. Tramp, Slut, Arsehole, Knob, Bitch sounds so common in our society.

I was helpless, unable to mingle around oozing confidence as i find hard to accept myself as a normal person in the first place and why should i cast my sarcasm passive-aggressive away just so i can "superfied" myself and circulate. I am childish, in fact writing about it gives the impression that i'm insulting myself. Why bother with the etiquette when i myself don't even come close in having a piece of heaven myself.

This is very bad for my career, i can't say,

"It's half past 12, and i need to go back cos i'm working at 10.30 am tomorrow, see you darlings!"

In the midst of having a party when everyone is getting wasted in a dinner function or celebratory party or even when doing business, presenting ideas to clients who seems to find deals are more easier to close when shoved with a whole lot of tits and clits. Signing an agreement from the fountain of youth is much more easier than chasing around the park for nothing, as tits, clits, dicks can be bought with cash. Whores are cheap and there are more sluts among us than we ever know.

As for one i have already cast aside my social network and concentrating in studies, i'm already 23, being helpless during social functions, and rather sit upstairs writing about it instead of joining the housemates downstairs for a laugh or two is pathetic, i don't even know what the trend of come-on lines that existed in the society, certainly it would be much more easier to say,

"Your hot, let's fuck"

Instead i bite my tongue when chatting with one of the patrons there, maybe i was just horny, and shamelessly pour all of my joy when someone actually cared to strike a conversation, instead on the way home i felt so pathetic why i would even bothered to say anything at all. Maybe i'm a klutz afterall.

Daddy Syndrome

2008-06-04T13:30:00.004+08:00

"Beauty comes in all types and shape"

That was the ending quote of my report on assignment lately, awfully outrageous i would be saying this type of citation when i'm a perfectionist myself, not to the extreme but mainly snobbish, denial and excruciating pain to hear fag that does everything in life never seem right. Been seeing the "light" lately during sleeps, like for instance a very odd one from the other day when i was a full-American housewife waiting for the husband to come back from work and such! (bet that would happen in anytime near future)

Albeit that, it got me thinking, while having flashbacks of worst-fucks, awkward dates, and hang up meet ups, all of these time i've been meeting guys who are older than me. Old-er not Old-dest that's 2 very different from each other. Do not know why i can't seem to hang out with group of guys my age, even the Pharmacist is 26 but still acts like a 21 year old with delusional thinking of evergreen beauty throughout his life (explains very much the rear-view mirror is for his own vanity rather than looking out for cars while reversing)

At such, maybe that explains the constant horniness i had on during my gaydom years which includes resume of public toilets, dressing room, elevator, swimming pool and the occassion tied up to bed with a leather stripe much more of it, all are done with guys who i labeled "LeatherDaddies" (LD). Not all are of those into kink and BDSM it's just the way i interpret them. Comfort is what is found in these guys, the manliness of their rugby-like body (with a little tummy), the deep tone of their voice and a heart as young as a 23 year old. Though age is showing in their faces, but with SK II they don't look over 30.

All of them are in between 30-35 age, and i enjoyed being in their company, which mostly are hot sex in their home while sitting on the kitchen table being rammed to oblivion, the hush-hush things is they handled you with care lol. The sensation of the soft yet manliness touch that goes all over my wobbly bits and Hersey's kisses on the neck. You must be thinking i'm desperate that i sold my soul for sex and little luxuries in life.

At one point i do realize that i'm being called shamelessly rent boy or to put it blatantly "Money Boy". Well that is from the chatters in MSN who are young and on a testosterone rampage when i decline to deflower his ass. What's up with virginity and chastity nowadays. It's so overrated and and excuse to get laid more often. On the other hand why i would say dating LD are much more fun because of few reasons.

1.) They have careers and successful.

Obviously, when you are dating a guy who is over 30, they have already have careers in their resume, cooperate CEO's, Creative Director, Owner of a famous restaurant (Vietnam Cuisine behind Crowne Hotel), Finiancial Advisor and even a Doctor (he's a vet). For once i would not be asked about my daily activities and yet i don't know that much about him which makes date be more progressively in the chatty department. A nice dinner with lots of things to share rather than mundane things in our lives already.

They have their own home or apartment (some of them). And you don't have to sneak through the house to get into his room just so his Mama would catch us in moment's shagging our brain's out. There were once i did it in his swimming pool which is inside the house, in the middle of the foyer overlooking the second link highway. Though sometime it can be very high-class but gay guys are all about first impressions, plus we dress during occasion much more like putting a different mask to work everyday.

2.) They have bigger Dicks.

Not a mere myth, but LD have bigger dicks, it's a good news for size Queens like me, because the oral exercise that i dreamed is having my mouth stuffed full of meat lol. Despite the hot hard body, they have the nicest looking dicks. Cut, veiny, hard, long and a blush of pink on the head. What extend of big is enough? I frankly don't know that answer.

Something brews when you have a big schlong, walking around flashing it around the room wearing jockstrap and holding it likes it's a gun. Daddy's gun.

3.) Been there, Done it

They have this attitude when you go out with them, so you tend to learn more in life, much more like a hands-on experience, not everytime it's about sex, but we do hang out in bookshops, movies and the occasionally clubbing. In time we will find it an insult when our actions are being scrutinized but they are just lending a helping hand in our gay lives. Which is very true, for those LD i have met.

I may be or may not be wrong about LD, but it's only in my defination. Get em' me love!

Nonsense II

2008-05-29T16:25:00.003+08:00

Seriously enough, walking around the house in the morning with a hard-on it's kinda cliche, while the next 2 rooms is full of newly housemates who are females which accidentally seen and shriek in moment's momentum. Still don't quite get the idea of getting a wood every morning. The veins that pumps blood onto the penis looks veiny and quite large demand for an extra touch/attention. Usually i would just ignore it and it becomes flaccid, life goes on normal like everyday.

Having said that, i'm always having a hard on while mounting the bike in RPM classes, which explains my loosely pants and bend my body a little forward so that the patrons don't really catch the idea of pulsating timber underneath saying,

"Head's Up, TIMBERRRRR..."

Sigh, being gay and abstinence from guys for almost 6 months, i let my imagination go wild, the sweaty bodies of the instructor under the spotlight and half of the time watching the crotch area tightly wrap in black spandex while cycling through a hill course. It's amazing that a combination of tight spandex, sweat and burly voice (which have Australian monotonous slang) while commanding the team to spruce up their breathlessness and keep on mounting the bike.

Of all the places, i would be thinking what if,

"The seat is strapped with a red dildo (size pun intended)"

"A longer seat for 2, the front are mounting, while the other is mounting his behind"

"Sexual positions you can do on a bike"

"A mechanical sucker device while you're mounting to give you sensual blowjob"

"Masturbating through a man-made ring device, and doggy fuck on the bike"

Sounds erotic no? See for yourself..

That gives a whole new meaning to "motion sex". :P Rocking on the car is so 80's. Yes, i'm getting all hormonal and horny.

Nonsense

2008-05-28T01:19:00.003+08:00

Amused or rather amazed by the society in differentiating with one and another. I just conclude the fact that living happily ever after don't exist, in fact you have to be cold towards people just they would bugger off with their ray of sunshine. I just don't get it, why can someone be so happy radiating the blind luck of following God's will/fate/karma/believe can move forward in his life of being something big, and i mean way big.

~~~~~~~~

Aside from that, imagining taking vacation in the middle of the year, don't need to be in a office and constantly doing charity work so that people can suffer less when after the aid gone, everyone would be suffering all over again. It's a superficial cycle, and yet there are Good Samaritans get conned in this charity fund raiser thing, mostly attended by our own upper echelons of society whom differentiate themselves with the middle-class society group.

Breakfast at Tiffany's, Lunch at Delicious, Tea at Dome, Dinner at Frangipani. It seems so ohh so glamorous doesn't it? We can only dream but they are living the life, having no airs, no debts and almost no drama in life. Money can bring the worst in us, but without it we are not more less than miserable. Thoughts of thoughts of getting out of misery seems an everyday affair, knocks of troubles at our door, leading to the dark deceitfulness temptations of human behavior.

In the end, everyone would go crazy, the ever expanding sickness among the society, reaching for fame and wealth, the ever-changing morale of people, bias perception and more back stabbing along the way. I trust an epidemic of vermin among us would come and haunt us and we would not be ourselves anymore.

Selfish, inane to the weak, survival of the fittest are all a norm aren't we?

What have become of my world? Filled with the black pavements of a shadowed angel blinded his eyes with thorns, blood flows from his eyes and every drop of it creates a twisted, dark thorns around my heart, not allowing anyone to interefere nor change me. Perhaps i find peace in some way, a peace i have longed for but it's draining my soul.

~~~~~~~~

The sights of bridal shops irks me. Names of hopes, such as Angelic Beauty, Van Gogh Studios, Love Vision, Bridal Art, where they cater to couples readily to enter a new phase of their relationships, the carefully tailored details on the couture wedding gown, not too much frou frou and a little bit of ruffles at the lower back, white satin veil to cover the bride's face before the groom kisses her.

Pictures taken to remind of an everlasting wedding, only to find problems arises when having child who are gay/defect/not normal and even if it's normal and healthy baby, the thoughts of protecting one's own child is draining them. We are a never-ending cycle of mistakes and also a by-product of our parents.

Insignificant Update Pt II

2008-05-23T09:42:00.002+08:00

In my years of growing up, i have always been skeptical through things, albeit the fact it's an opportunity or even a chance to make a total makeover in my life i would never even pursue it, up until now. Well, i am afraid. So afraid that i would take the wrong step and plunge into a deep ravine of regret and remorse. I was in my hometown for the past 2 weeks and had the most awkward conversation that across my mind.

Him: Chang, What happen to you?

Me: Huh? What do you mean?

Him: You know everytime i see/meet you at a gathering you're always so washed out, sad and i always get depressed seeing you.

Me: You're not SERIOUS are you?

Him: Where's that "OOMPH" you had when we were in school?

I was at a small gathering, much like a small barbeque among friends. Well i was pissed upon hearing what my far-off friends perceive me. Perhaps it's pointless to say anything back because i'm already know what the next topic is. Usually i would really avoid this kind of gathering, it garner you to meet the people you don't want to meet and don't even want to talk to.

I felt insulted to be chatting about my life in KL, my studies and all that crap. Why no one asks me about something interesting, did i meet someone in my life or new friends in college or watsoever, instead get bombarded with silly questions we all knew. Dammit these people, being born with a silver spoon is offensive enough yet to compared with my level of amusement and energy of my youthfulness is simply absurd.

You can see, i can't help but to think the negative parts of a situation before even plunging into the idea, the passive-aggressive behaviour i had is simply too much that even opportunities fly off from under my nose not mentioning the negative aura that exudes from my soul . Sigh, I should really stop comparing, albeit all those shortcomings i'm trying to look the positive way in my gay life. I have already accepted myself for who i am. I now only have to trust my guts and be brave.

And i am still saying,

"Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice doesn't make it Alright"

To certain someone, be strong my friend, I am there every step of the way! Don't ever give up.

Music Cravings I

2008-05-21T13:37:00.001+08:00

Katy Perry - Ur So Gay

Insignificant Update

2008-05-19T01:22:00.001+08:00

Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice doesn't make it alright.

The Boy In The Last Row

2008-05-03T21:51:00.001+08:00

"Why do we always end up in a pet shop?"

That was the question i asked everytime we went out. Be it in Mid Valley or in PJ, The Pharmacist and I always end up in a pet shop before proceeding home. We were having dinner in Ming Tien last Thursday (me eating, him watching), as he didn't want to eat anything just because he wants to keep his "figure" me on the other hand just keep to my fugly self. Now that's an improvement in the self conscious department but i doubt it's getting me anywhere cos i'm hungry after gym!

Gazed at the still positions of the fishes, the yapping of puppies, some pussies and even hamsters. He can spend for a full 30 minutes just gazing at the fishes, while me on the other hand just admire the cute Schnauzer dog on the upper floor, played with it a little bit (ask the pet caretaker to take him out). Then i come down and he's still gazing at the fishes. Surprisingly everytime we visited the pet shop i learn a thing or two on how to have a pet, be it a fish, dog or cats.

Out of curiosity, i was thinking, what kind of guy is he in High School? So i asked,

Me: "What kind of guy are you in school?"

Him:"Do we need to talk about that?"

Me: "Just out of curiosity, you always visit pet shops whenever we hang out"

Truth to be told, he's the guy, the guy that sits on the back of the class who eats his hair. Hypothetically it's rather rude to say that he's a social outcast and all. Apparently my situation is the same with him just the only difference is my size is still recognizable while his is almost how to say a "successful diet" and now with a big urge to eat whenever he wants, he can't get fat and that ever pouted lips with a whole lot of attitude, did i forget the over the top confidence? lol

He bear rabbits, hamsters, fishes and even a dog. When i asked them where did they go? He sell them off before he went to study in Aussie. Well he bear rabbits and the family skin it to have Rabbit stew. I was shocked cos there are so many meat to eat, he thinks it taste like chicken and it's a substitute for low cholesterol lean meat. Funny how general perception i can get.

For me, people who get pets are losers. I mean not in a mean way, just because we can't blend in with the rest of the gang, we resolve into getting pets just so even when we are in a bad mood, the pet would just love you the way you are, no complaints and that unconditional love towards it's owner. Yeah, i was that guy once, but i din eat my hair, instead i mix with the samsengs of the school, being a prefect and mix with samsengs in gang fights for fun! It's astonishing that a dare could be so serious to me.

Toilet breaks, me and the gang climb up the wall to see under the friend's pee pee just for fun, splashing water to the cubicle and did i mention masturbate together with a bunch of guys watching sleazy Japanese porn in their house? Cliche really, i didn't expected it accelerate me to gaydom.

I'm also that guy that has that "manja" look or more to say "mama's boy" which i did, because that time i was really hopeless, no driving license, can't go out with friends after class. The only thing to do at home is to study and watch TV all day long while everyone is working, i'm the only person in the house with the maid. Fridays dreaded with Taekwondo lessons which i glad i went and graduated.

I'm not going into comparing myself to him, cos we all know it's impossible plus ranting here doesnt going to help anyways. Think of it sometimes being the guy who is left out is good for the soul. At least you will have a few faces less recognizable and less connections to make, less gossips and less drama.

For example, I was being left out on a classmate's party last time, well not so serious because we hardly know each other, plus he has many friends from the back classes whom which i also knew told me about the party. Did i care? At one point i do care, but think of it would you want to go to an outing when half of the people don't want to know you, or just find u plain annoying? you might enjoy yourself with other friends, but why bother having to put such a thick face just to go and make a statement,

"I went there, it was a blast"

I might as well held my own barbecue party which i did during my Form 5 semester break with a handful of best friends, plus i invited him who didn't invite me the last time, this time around he didn't turn up. I'm not angry or whatsoever nor did expected him to come because he's the "Bossy Guy". See that's the difference, some people just want to get the privilege to be invited, i'm not saying it's an attention seeking, but if you're mad at these small matters, might as well everything in this world is inferior to you.

So does being the guy who was left out, or the guy who sits at the back row eating his hair has its perks?

Sometimes it does :)

Insignified Perception Pt II

2008-04-27T18:45:00.002+08:00

Hanging out during this weekend with The Pharmacist is very tiring. I mean very tiring. Weekends hanging out at shopping malls and the pavements of the shiny corridor to catch a glimpse of cuties while sitting downing a cup of macchiato at the nook of D'lish. Seems like outings for fags are lingering around cafes and people watching. It's a must do list when we went out. The problem only arises when the BFF is very "alive".

Well The Pharmacist is caffeine addicted, if not sex; his biggest vice is coffee. Everytime he downed a Large Diet-Coke or coffee, my heart yelps a bit for help. Once the meeting is over, the next thing i know i'm nursing a oversize baby with A.D.D. Imagine sashaying down the aisle of Carrefour like a fucking runway, thinking he's Naomi Campbell la. Guess some things never change in our life.

I got disconnected and miss how much my weekends is spent in shopping malls and people watching, the fascination of seeing people in their real life doing stuff that sometimes make you wonder why they did it in the first place. From the dressing, the way they talk, describes of what they are as a person.

Is she a stingy or typical dumb blonde? Coporate lady or gold digger? Or is he married (i would do him cos he's a wide chest)? Is he cute, what if he becomes my husband? Those are the activities that we both do during people watching, frankly it's wasting time. I don't know what so special sitting in a cafe paying an overpriced coffee and chit-chat -chit-chat about our daily mundane lives, mind you not just weekend we meet up during weekdays!

We had our late dinner at McD's because we had tonnes of coupon "Buy 1 Free 1" promotion, so we had to used it. It's like the 5th time of the week we visit McD's which explains my recent gym absent because i'm stark stuffed with fatty trans-fat food minus the fries, i wallop 2 Fillet O Fish and one Diet Coke. (which doesn't seemed to help anyway :P)

Then this happen,

See the middle part of the chair? Yes it's his butt hanging for the world to see. I have nothing against exposed butts, but this fag forget to wear his loins. Half of the time i was chatting with The Pharmacist, my eyes was fixated on his butt cheeks, more to say very deep ravine of a saggy ass. Obviously they are after gym and 2 of them are going to clubbing later, which explains the chest-baring T-shirt, muscular arms and tacky accessories to go with it.

The Pharmacist was curious what i was seeing and then turn around to see, he was shocked and irritated because he was holding his burger while turning around. Is it a must to show our gayness in public and make our statement clear? Such is an example of old guys who are obviously over 40 enjoying bent hand wrist, laughing with mouth closed and wearing low cut jeans without underwear, exposing butt in public and thinks it's sexy because he has it.

Well i don't deny he's good looking, because the body, the face needs time to nurture into a beautiful swan. Seeking attention has many ways, which is why i'm not good in face to face conversation because half of the time i'm in front of the computer screen just the fact i converse well with my expression and it's hard to expressed yourself to others even though i knew The Pharmacist for 3 long years, he never really understood what i am as a person. Now that's depressing.

I don't love myself, what's the point to love when i'm fat, useless, sex addict bump which only know how to utilize other's people resources and live everyday as if a hotel resort. Carefree while i'm typing this post and watching re-runs of ER, SATC and Ally Mcbeal. Maybe i should just put a sign "Crazy Horny Dumb Blonde" engraved on my chest!

Plus i'm having headaches from studying Chinese characters, help me!

Insignified Perception Pt I

2008-04-21T02:18:00.002+08:00

It's so hard to make an impression to everyone. What i found out lately.

The sudden sheer of madness coming out from my head, negativity eating out from my soul is enough to put people off to their loins.

Way Ward Ways VII

2008-04-17T14:27:00.004+08:00

It's really depressing at home. The intoxicated aura of couple lingering around this house just makes me puke. Well if they wanna act cute, go into a room and fuck themselves silly would be the best way rather than a public display of affection. The problem with this coop i'm staying in besides the obvious perk such as spacious and cleanliness, it's the "acting" between 2 young adolescent that are staying in this house. Conversations such as,

"KOchi, KOchi, I'm knocking on your door."

"KUchi, KUchi, wait aaa"

*open the door*

"Leng Leng lor, ready to go my Love?"

*close the door* KUchi went inside.

"Hehehehehe, ANG GUGUGUGUGU"

+_+

Seriously, if there's not even a bridge nearby i stab myself silly. It is so hard not to conceal your feelings for each other? Don't go become fags that need affection everywhere they go, leaning on one shoulders, a little grope here and there it's like a fucking meat party only worse because they are 2 large Elephants grind together. Sorry to say that, they are much more heavier than me and eat rice like 2 plates per session for lunch and dinner?

The horror, even the face as a sesame bread also can find a partner in this house, makes me as a gay guy more depressing searching for sex and partners for life. Talk about sex, I'm much hornier at home, been fingering myself lately, i already used half a tube of the lube i just bought, the arousal of man's G spot, the prostrate is simply divine. You can actually see the hard throbbing dick of mine leaking pre-cum like crazy. Depressing really.

On the other hand, which reminds me of a commercial on MixFM about fingers by Serena C,

" I love my fingers, I can do manicure, pedicure on them, I can put on rings onto it and so much more, but some of us use fingers for the wrong reason on the roads. Please do not use it for the wrong reasons, MixFM loves your fingers"

Roughly like that i suppose. Reminds me of a hook up with this wonderful guy Charles. We dine and love each other company but most of it all we were both wild in bed. He was good, love to try everything i wanted to do with him. We started immediately after we went back to his place after dinner. We did sip a little bit of red wine before we kiss. God, i miss the taste of his lips as he sips a little bit of red wine and kiss on my lips. That aside, i see this as a mere fuck and many more to come, which it did but we stopped since he's getting attached with his Soulmate.

He was shorter than me. After we kiss, i slowly breathe onto his neck and smell the perfume he had on. Every guy like this kind of feeling, I loved the small breathing as i twitch his perky nipples before proceeding onto his chest and the lower part of his body. Gave him a wet blowjob and he moan for more as he position his head onto my dick and we did 69 for quite sometime. Then i turn him around and kiss him on the lips. I proceeded to suck him more, playing with his balls.

My favourite part is the rimming. Gosh, it's heaven to eat ass out of your partner in bed (make sure it's clean, mine is) the licking with the tongue and licking the sides of the anus. He moans louder than before and i just continue to enjoy it, I was leaking pre-cum and proceeded to sheath a condom we started fucking.

At first it's kinda hard cos Charles was having a hard time taking it in, so i slowly thrusted in before entering him deeply, kiss him while doing that and it helps to let your partner to adapt to your cock. We had a great time, we were so into each other we just know the next move, the placing of the hips, my hands on his butt. For the first time for me i did "Piggyback Fuck".

We were doing it for so long, i fucked him twice and he came twice, by the time we ended i just slumped on top of him, hugging him to sleep. We had a wonderful time and i guess this is by far the most intimate sex i had, we could evolve into something more, but the age gap of 39 and 20 simply too far.

Knick-Knack

2008-04-14T19:51:00.003+08:00

Sorry, been busy with my studies lately, kinda cliche when i'm not studying at all, just read some random points and make my own notes and memorize the whole lot of the handbook that i've written for the past week, though it's just 3 subjects, i feared for the possiblity of failing one, just because i shut one lecturer's mouth up with direct, correct, sarcasm comment on politics in our country present day.

Even saying why even be bothered to present some meticulous work of assignment when the lecturer just only want to comment bad things about it? It's so passe to meet a lecturer who wants to steal the spotlight and supposely be worshipped for his intelligence in his teaching subject. I dont even give a crap about half the lectures he's been giving all the time. One thing baffles me a lot, why are Unis are such a hard ass in making everyone taking Pengajian Malaysia and Pendidikan Moral when i'm taking Advertising?

Shove me with Multimedia Laws and ethics i would study it without complaining, but to be robbed of 6 months prancing around like a mad person around these subjects is just plain dumb. Anyways, the housemates has been getting bitchy about me blasting music during the mornings and afternoons, apparently it's "Study Week" i have to tone it down so that you can read your notes and aimed for it, when the last assignment you got a very very pitiful mark of 30% in your artwork while i surpass yours by 60% plus the whole 6 projects given i scored a mere 87.5 % while yours a pitiful 55%. HOW DARE you be bitching at me blasting music when youre not as the same par as me! Bunch of retards thinks that everyone has to bowed down to them! I FUCK YOUR HAIRY PIE MATE!

On the other hand, my life is currently on a scale of getting better albeit suspected i have a physiological problem, been talking while in my sleep, and i mean literally talking like i'm talking to a friend about my problems, i found out after being woke up by my roomate suddenly in fear of me because i just uttered in my sleep,

"Fuck you bitch, take that cock up Your ass since You like it so much, You fucking cunt!"

The gym routine has been quiet lately, been doing new stuffs and watching people doing it, have to consult Magus about it the next time i see him. On the other hand it's getting better i suppose, minus the back that needs a pair of gentle hands to massage it, seriously need my bones to crack so that i can sleep with my back not my face facing down the pillow. It hurts seriously.

Now, all i have to do is to get laid. Despo indeed.

Any takers?

Recent pic.

Mary, Marla and Margaret.

2008-04-12T00:31:00.004+08:00

There's time, where lived the Three most unique Princesses whom dominates the castle called The Axis Tower. In the castle, there's many places to wonder around, there's the kitchen which cooks very delicious meals for the royals inside, the castle do have a personal royal bakery which roars the rumour of it's milky Bread that is To Brag about! There's plenty of other facilities as well, such as a wellness centre managed by a peasant called Usahana. The royal castle also has it's own very transportation which comes in unique engine box that holds the name of Aeroline, for it's yellow line on the carriage itself.

As the garden boy walks into the castle with the others, entering past the tall glass wall guarded by two royal guards announcing the arrival of peasants in search of labours in the castle itself. The garden boy was among the selected to work in the garden that the famous princesses plays everyday when the day sinks into the night. Rumours has it that the Garden has it's own sign which illuminates blue lights from beneath and it's spell

"Fitness First"

It has it's own entrance with magically rotating glass panes that need identification of the laborer's special scroll to access inside the Garden. The garden boy was astonished at first when he heard from the other peasants while waiting to be ordered. The peasant also said that it has a magically lightning box which emits light into the Garden as well as a wind box which functions to give a slightly cold breeze to the Princesses while playing to ease their tiredness.

The garden boy was more eager to work in the Garden, but there was a commotion as the 2 royal guards announce the arrival of the 3 princesses. Everyone was in awe when Princess Fair Mary, Princess Dragoon-Back Marla and Princess Big Biceps Margaret as their make their presence known in the castle, with their inner poise and elegance as they sashayed through the crowd.

The Garden boy can only catch a glimpse of the 3 princesses and instantly infatuated with Princess Fair Mary. Her elegance on her white fair skin as she wore a faint yellow shirt over with a orange kaftan while carrying a small fan with such poise and mysterious that the Garden boy can only fixated to the aura that exudes from her. Such is the Garden boy determined to work in the Garden so he would catch a glimpse of Princess Fair Mary again.

He bribed the Keeper that was inspecting the body conditions of the peasants to work in the castle with 175 cents that the boy has saved over the years just for emergency matters. Instantly the Keeper has taken the boy into work and he forced the boy to immediately change into a gardener's clothing and start working right now in the Garden.

The boy was glad and happy as he make his way to the infamous Garden that everyone was talking about. As the boy walks in, the cool breeze and magical lights shone in the garden was astounding, with a room with water fountain coming out from the hose where there are "Hot" and "Cold" indicator so for the Princesses to bathe after working out in the Garden. The stretch of roses and bushes with some black resembled stone which labeled with numerical numbers from 5lbs to 60 lbs. The boy was instructed to mend the bushes of the roses, and then he saw Princess Fair Mary again.

Now wearing a tight white tank top with orange lining and short black pants, the princess shows it's outer beauty to the gardeners with her nicely sculpted arms and chest that needs more loving that these pretty roses on the lush bushes. She was working out with Princess Marla who were counting the repetitive reps of chest incline. The glistening sweat that drops onto Princess Mary chest was enough for the Garden boy to touch himself behind the tall bushes camouflaged from the abundant roses.

The Garden boy fantasize about Princess Mary while in his sleep or in the Garden fountain while touching himself while showering inside the Royal cubicles while Princess Mary is outside getting changed revealing her most beautiful sculpted body while the boy peeps through to catch a breath of fresh air. Much anticipation for the Garden boy everyday while mending the garden and water the roses so they would look evergreen.

If only Princess Fair Mary knows the Garden boy has been infatuated by her that makes the boy works hard to achieve the beautiful sculpted body of hers.

Purple

2008-04-01T12:39:00.005+08:00

Tired is what i describe myself when seeing myself in my mirror, the same old me, when it does not even change a bit. I need to get my life organized and spruce up my life like before. No more dramas and teary emotional warps that i seek through the lonely nights that you regret later just to find that it's only a brief of fresh air.

Been thinking a lot lately, advice from Parents, friends and best friends, i think i went overboard with myself, over the top drama queen that i never want to become in the first place. It's a nice experience being here pouring my heart's out and share my intimate moments. Though i did find some friendship here, guess it's volatile cos i've never been pro -active enough.

Sick of saying "Not Enough", kinda cliche when i was having one of those nites of wild sex i said,

"Not Enough"

While he was pinned face down just to satisfy his hunger of someone topping him, where i would just want to cuddle together under the sheets of his air-cond room. The search for the elusive intimacy seemed absurd, but nonetheless i crave for it, every moment when my soul touches his which i experienced it with my 2nd ex, i cant find any of those during my sexcapades, more to say Way Ward Ways during these 2 years and 6 months.

At one point in my life, i really need to rejuvinate myself, maybe by starting to appreciate for who they are rather than what they wanted to become. I'm clueless in this as i'm so shallow minded and thinks everything should be perfect. I cannot judge other people as i am a bad example of myself. Like in Sex And The City, Samantha Jones at one point really wanted to just be with her model boyfriend, after all the breast cancer issue went out of hand and she regret fucking her Boss and came down of the elavator saying,

"I regret for doing that to You, I didn't know Why"

Perhaps i need to search for that answer to myself, my own happiness, when i wake up every morning i would just see to the day rather than spending time on dating sites reading countless superficial profiles. I've put in many consideration about my decision, though i dun really like it, i guess to start a phase means of letting go of my past and accept for who i am,

"Creative, Funny, Outspoken, Slut, Bitch, Honest"

Until then i'm on vacation, to the road less taken by many gay souls, searching through the Purple rain of emotions, perhaps one day i would be back, fresh, new with a lot of experience to share and hopefully someone in my life who accepts me for who i am. Guess this version Samantha Jones doesn't think powerful woman conquers all, rather i wouldn't wanted to be alone looking back what i've done.

I thank you, A Fag In This Numb City needs a long vacation ever searching for his happiness and i'm grateful that you enjoyed my experiences i shared here. I hate to leave this space, perhaps i'm just tired. You never know what tomorrow is, might as well live it to the fullest.

I guess this is the end of a milestone. Until that day comes, I would come and say "Hi" to you then.

Signing Out,
Brian Chang.

Indigo

2008-03-28T10:22:00.003+08:00

Mellowed wind blew past through the terrain of the park,
A golden leaf flew within it's path,
Making circulations of direction and rests on top a stone,
Till the mellowed wind blows,

The leaf rests on top on the stone,
Shaded with Indigo pasts,
When will the wind blow again?,
The soft, mellowed wind,

That carried this leaf go through it's destination,
Will it get there?,
Or forever in the shades of Indigo pasts?
Wind oh wind the soft mellowed wind,

That carried me away,
Far Far away from here,
Torn waves of emotions,
As I weep here in standstill.

Nights of intimacy seem prude,
Desperate for warm touch,
That make me feel whole,
The first time i felt it.

In many many past before.

Ohh mellowed wind,
Come and take me away,
Take me away,
Far Far away from my Indigo pasts.

Till then I wait on a standstill,
As time pass me by,
Sitting on a stone.

Orange

2008-03-25T11:43:00.001+08:00

Bah!! the work on my desk is mounting by the minute, not that i care since i've done everything on deadline. Been taking odd jobs from inside the field as to proposed the idea of getting a portfolio during my stint of getting a degree in UTAR. Cliche' how it sounds a "degree" would really determine our future, with it we are suffering, without it we are more desperate of getting one. Sound much more like degrade rather than degree.

I've been busy, with part time job, studies (the never ending assignments), gym and DOTA. I've been meeting a lot of people recently since i came to PJ. Well before i turned this post into sex-mending-moaning post, i've never felt so good in my life. For the first time people would really spend the time to have dinner and chat before proceeding to further tweaking on our appendages, snap a lot of pictures during the period of naughty acts, kinda addictive since the first time doing it was an impromptu decision. (everything i do is so sudden anyways)

It seems since i moved to this new place, everything in my life seems to be getting better. Maybe it's just temporary, before i become desperate ravaging beast prey on innocent victims to be devour of it's every inch. I guess i'm feeling Orange, looks fresh from the outside but not so sweet on the inside; might be sweet but the probability seems low compared to other things.

I've been seeing a guy lately, a straight guy to be precise and a Pinoy hunk. Met this guy while browsing on G4M. Well, he initiated the message to meet for coffee, whilst his profile is pictureless and usually i don't really reply but maybe i'm feeling lucky that time, i just replied and exchange numbers with him. Apparently Dave is quite a nice guy afterall.

As he walk up onto the stairs towards the convenience shop, i didn't expect him to be that good looking. Muscle bod, huge pecs, huge arms and a charming face. Really a total package, greeted with a firm tone,

"Hi, I'm Dave, nice to meet you"

You might be wondering why would a straight guy would be prowling on gay sites? Yes, he's looking for a blowjob from a guy and eagers to fuck a man's ass. I was dumbstruck when i heard he said that to me while i'm downing a cup of hot cappuccino over at Coffee Bean's. Call me a slut, but i was so speechless i only can just concentrate on the coffee on my hands.

It's some of gay mens' dream to do a real Straight guy with total package, just like on gym grounds where really cute and buff str8 guys are being lusted by gay men to do unspeakable things to them. Gave into temptation, i even questioned if he's really Straight or Bi but the reply i get is,

"I'm Straight, i like women, but i lusted for guys, just that i'm not Bi"

That was the answer i get while he's kissing me and hugging me from the back, i've long never felt this whole while he was hugging me, kissing my forehead, nibble my ear and lock my lips with his body warmth over my body. I was feeling so contented that nite i even consider of giving myself to him (which you don't usually do since it's going nowhere after that nite)

The big arms wrapped around my neck while his stiffy is right under my butt. There was no anal that nite, but i gave him a blowjob which ended a mess on the bed, with him moaning for more. Another bonus for this hunk he has a full package big balls and a very thick cock, think a thick 6 inch sausage (1901 XXL sausage only larger). That's the size of this Pinoy hunk's appendage.

After that nite i didn't think we would meet again but he asks for a second date over coffee, now i am feeling Orange, he shares with me his daily life, his work and his model girlfriend. In my mind i was wondering is he lonely or got no one to talk to or something else is bugging his sexuality, there are so many questions that bugs me until now. Recently we've been meeting a lot and share a week of intimate moments under the sheets of his Persian silk, topped with a warm blanket over our naked bodies, while the torn foil of the condom, lube by the side of the table.

He hugged me again that nite with that same feeling as the first. Should i give in? I don't want to write any love songs because he wanted one. Why i wanted to venture the impossible? I hate it.

Yellow

2008-03-23T21:12:00.005+08:00

"Raise your hand and swing to the left"
"Shake your bootaaay ~~ Poom Poom Pow"
"Gimme more arms, gimme more chest"
"I just shave my armpits"

Sweats trickling down the neck reaching the arms, as it drips onto the blue T-shirt i'm wearing at the time. The faint yellow, spotless dance studio floor plus with a whole lot of people sweating makes more nauseating i guess (minus the bulging belly, crappy dance moves and laughs here and there), the Instructor at the podium is taking the spotlight, by showing fierrrrce moves and poses. Even liked hairless armpit (pun intended).

By a strike of predicament, met up with Magus (might as well Ah Jie), first time so openly called Ah Jie out loud for gym at The Curve last Tuesday, initially is to meet other bloggers for dinner after gym. So i got lost thinking that where the hell it is situated and got scolded for being so blur in getting lost in a mall! I was told beforehand to join class with Ah Jie, so we meet up earlier to do some reps of biceps and triceps before proceeding the class at 7.20 pm.

Magus is so buff with 35 pounds on each arm doing chest pumps kinda make me envy inside, but Ah Jie is Ah Jie must admire one.. lol. While he's on the free weights area, i was dominating the bike in the cardio area, kinda sucks when your so fat in need of shedding at least a few calories before eating KFC later literary. So we went to the BodyJam class and meet up with Daniel.

The indicator on the time table board is yellow, so i guess it's fun, since so many joined the class, clueless at first but it got worse as the class proceed. Think hippopotamus on ballerina, that's how it went, with me unable to do hip shaking, body gyrating to the music and can't follow the Instructor at the podium with his fierce poses after each movements.

The part that i like the best is the skipping movements, even Ah Jie was into it, but his version is Red Riding Hood (with extra appendage) skipping so freely until the Big Bad Wolf show up. So i just skip skip skip and all of the sudden,

"PLOOOOK!!!"

I was so ashamed of myself, never in my life or let's just say in 100 years i would be touching a set of muchachas larger than mine, that's the effect if 2 big sets of tits rammed each other. Clumsy me, go knock into a Malay auntie while in class, at least that's the sound of it when Magus and Daniel heard it, it was so loud, her son was laughing already, i profusely apologise to her and i cant hold it and just giggle with her at the back of the class.

Lucky to have a Malay Auntie so open minded even say,

"Accident only lucky tak kiss"

Well at least it's better than imagining having sex with the gay Instructor, Ah Jie even gossip when we were on the dinner table,

Magus:If have sex with him, sure tiring one, u know why?

Others: *Spacing out*

Magus: He will say Give Me More Shoulders, GIVE ME MORE POWER!!!! Shake it double on the right, single on the left

I can imagine. *giggles*

Green

2008-03-20T02:52:00.003+08:00

As the automated door closing, the indicator of the LRT train sounded as it leaves the current station to the other station later on. I was sitting by the side of the row of empty seats as it's starting to be filled with people thronging into the train. Working people, families, youngsters. Sitting on the LRT is amusing, you can see the antics of people, chatting laughing and the tired faces while traveling wondering when would this train would each it's destination.

As the long ride to my station, i was thinking and thinking where does this train leads if not for the last station at the end of the trail, would i be happier if i reach the finish line, my homework that i havent do, the laundry is piling up and my bills havent paid. All of them seem to popped out when your spacing out in the packed environment.

Admist the packed environment in this small compartment of the train, there's this particular person caught my eye.

Naive as she can be, it reminds me of what i am when i was fresh out of the closet, the shallowness of the mind and soul. Indulging into the latest trends, gadgets and fame. All came into a potpourri of thoughts and taking the Rainbow steps one at the time, I still remember the naiveness that i had exude from all those first times. Seeing sights of gay guys, going to gay places and discovering that the Rainbow world is so much to offer.

As time goes by, been into break up and make up process, makes me question myself as a person. Attitude wise, personality and even my decisions. Doubting things would happen, constantly blaming people (mostly) for the things they have done. After becoming more of myself as a gay guy and living in this ruthless city, forwarded my perception on life and people around me.

"Survival Of The Fittest" become the core of my life as i had to have everything in perfect order as i would imagine it. Distance between my family is obvious. The constant quarrel about issues of my welfare, the spendings. By logic, staying in KL is very tiring, i've tried to control, even marked every item on a handbook to accumulate what i've spent in a day, in the end i didn't save a penny i spent mored than i have. I have really tried, i do.

Maybe the number 23 is too old for studying and studying doesnt mean it would clouded my judgment on stuffs that i have choose, the path to my future work, my future friends, the decisions i made until now i have not regretted a bit. Why you guys have to push me to my limits? Why would Mum wanna call me while driving? Why would you just listen to me and call later and this accident would never happen.

Though everything's alright now, i still feel that i'm partly to blame, if i haven't complain in the first place all of this would not have happen. I cried the whole afternoon.

If only this world is as a little naive or simpler. Everyone would be happy and merrier, even just for a little while, it's worth every minute of it. I regretted on my actions, i failed tremendously in my maturity to judge my actions. If only i can be naive as her, everything would be so alright now.

Blue

2008-03-13T01:41:00.000+08:00

It's kinda passe when i swiped my credit card down the counter, as i watched it swipe my heart felt a little remorse but it's for the long run. Finally i invested on a gym membership, though it's expensive (RM175 for Passport) but i guess i just have to deal with it. Well since it's a dream to once not being scrutinized as a fat ass or rather just a fat slut, i am sure it's worth it.

The mornings never look so bright and sunny, guess being greeted,

"Good Morning, enjoy your workout"

Kinda makes you smile and look forward to the day, while starting on the treadmill and rowing machine before proceeded to the weights and stuffs. Maybe it's just me cos i've never been greeted that with a smiley face though it's 8 A.M in the morning, which mostly people dreaded and the senses around our face is stiff. (not that stiff perverts!)

So the long haul of going to a real gym and now i'm officially addicted to it, imaging going to the gym everyday without missing the 3-hour regime, what to do? This whore needs to see results. Beside the perks of the greetings, most happening part for fags is the changing/locker room. Well as the saying says,

"If you have it, flaunt it!"

Which most of the patrons would be doing since some of them are really buff and cute to boot, but going to see flesh everyday is not fun anymore, maybe for the first time for the rush of excitement but not on a daily basis, it's like being forced to eat sausages every other week of the day and i've seen a lot of sausages, ranging from wardrobe malfunction and the towel barely hanging to some of the buff twink's waist, which opposed the strength of gravity to pull it down accidentally while he's standing in front of the locker.

Well, the infamous post-gym exercise is true, I didn't expected that showing a full hand palm through the shower glass pane while in the afternoons between 3 pm to 5 pm is for fags to have a little fun in the cubicle, the first time i went there i heard soft moanings, as i'm entering the shower room next door, trying so hard not to register of the idea of "the more the merrier"

*giggles*

Then the infamous standing and sitting inside the sauna room waiting for people, or throwing glances while working out to the hottest hunk standing next to his Boyfriend and then exchange numbers while drying his hair after bath, this is what i observed but i didn't expect i would get some action myself.

My cheeks are bruised, thanks for the freakishly huge Pecs uncle and his partner, solid Biceps uncle each grab one side of my butt cheeks and it's still has their mark on them. Pissed being molested in broad daylight, but thinking back guess it's still fine with hunks grabbing buns!

*giggles*

Red

2008-03-05T02:08:00.001+08:00

A new month, new discoveries, new favorites, new day to begin with. At least that's what i think initially, at least It treats me good for that day, no rains to avoid at supposedly "rainy" hours and for the first time not being drenched wet when on the way home. Guess that was my imagination until i got home and packed my bag and went to gym.

The gym is like my second home, people, the air-cond room, the hot showers that i get to had (though the heater is like broke for 2 days in a row), the space that been occupied by the gym equipments and free weights, the center there's a DJ station which played funky music while your working out while watching the antics of other patrons with their moans and groans.

For me, it's like having an orgasm, while running, on RPM classes, steps and Cardiowave classes, there's something that's exciting and i cant wait to try it. One of the perks of going to the gym is this besides the walking cuties around, i'm more interested in building more obvious biceps than seeing "blah" cuties trying too hard on a 25 pound weight when he even can't lift up an 15 pound weight.

That day was like the routine, workout, sweat like hell and all of the sudden i feel a little warm, i touched my neck and arms, didn't realize there's a big rash on my chest, went into the locker's room for a check and thought it's just another sweat-induced rash so i ignored it and continued working out until the third hour.

By the time i hit the showers my body is all red, i was shocked, then the itchiness begin. One of the damnest thing you can get from the gym besides the perks, you get contracted with all kinds of bacteria. They are so many sharing the same equipment, sweat helps to contract those bacteria onto the equipments.

Unfortunately for me, i got contracted with one asshole or slut with genital problems. Usually when skin started to get itchy it only means you either have skin problems or TOO MUCH SEX! And i thought i'm starting to have better days to come, instead i hit the Jackpot. Well I feel awkward in the locker room, with glances from everyone while i'm changing, i was so fucked up itchy i scratch my back until it gives more redness.

Called up The Pharmacist for help, luckily he has some of antibiotics and cream to smooth things up and it's for STD patients! Lucky to have someone closer to the place your staying nevertheless the Godbrother/BFF. It's so embrassing to tell him, but if i didn't tell him i might gone into fever or somesort. The itchiness stops after 2 days and today i got my injection shot from the Hospital for some bacterial infection just to be sure i'm alrite.

Guess the grass is greener on the other side of the fence doesn't mean it's better. Have to be extra careful next time when i'm wading on new waters. :)

Pengajian Malaysia

2008-02-26T12:00:00.002+08:00

Spacing out deep in imagination and thoughts, as i was sitting there next to my mate, while attending the morning class on Tuesdays, personally i hate morning classes, you have to wake up early, grumpy and totally all of my senses are numb unless being shoved down a very tasteless muffin bread Big Breakfast by McD or even a cup of stirring hot cup of teh-o-limau panas together with a small pack of Nasi Lemak by the mamak stall nearby who sells really delicious yet affordable prices.

Here i am dreaming of the wonderful mornings spend with Mum during my hometown stay, the daily breakfast prepared consists of wonderful sunny side up with sausages on sides and a big glass of Orange juice to shoved down the rather hefty breakfast to start the day as the "driver" for the nuisance kids for the family, while the lecturer is yapping in front of the class like a dog asking for attention.

Can't help but to applaud his efforts despite the subject itself is very subjective/provoking. So many unanswered questions and answers given is just hanging there as if the fact proven otherwise. Another reason to hate Tuesday mornings is the subject itself "Pengajian Malaysia", where the long dreaded of our BolehLand is being exposed of our past histories to teach our fellow young people who will change the future of this country. Blah!

This is one of the least interesting subject i'm looking forward to this forced semester. Reliving again the past, sounds very much like Malaysia nowadays, digging into past footage of ministers having sex, bribe the judge and what else might follow? Usually i don't really cared about politics, but the early election and after all the drama ensued, one will question the credibility of the current ruling party and the current Prime Minister.

The past 2 riots of BERSIH and HINDRAF proved to be the facts that this "democratic" country is in dire need of an improvement. Citizens are treated with first, second, third class treatment, favors are given to particular race. From time to time, what the local media gave us are all filtered subjects, so to avoid tarnishing the country image by calling these as senseless and fraud.

Thinking back, from the recent 10 years, did Malaysia changed for a better pace? The increasing prices of fuel and even in domestic exports and imports, the increasing crime rate, the increasing bribery happening in the Government sectors, one can't help but to pray to God asking for help.

"God, please save our country"

Outside of Malaysia, other countries are laughing at us, at our ambitious idea we have but with restricted and limited capital at expense. Maybe the increasing prices of everything are to cover up our "ambitious" ideas and attempts, for examples, sending a fellow Malaysian to space, building of MSC empire, KLCC and even supporting the wealthy lifestyles of the Royal families. Maybe until now, those debts are still there, and proposed to the vision 2020, i guess BolehLand would be repaying until we had the total capital spent on these "mega" projects.

Our trademark are pointing fingers and placing the blame on other parties, which is very popular with our ministers, blame here and there like darts pointed at each other and one can see we are being ruled by bunch of adults who acts like kids during the Parliament hearing. Abusive words and phrases to deny the existence of the real facts being presented to them.

Perhaps, change is very terrifying to them. One change, and every specialty that they enjoyed would be questioned, expenses that are absurd and even might lose their place in those specialties. Maybe one day this country would crumbled or changed for good, but who knows? At the current state, the country is in it's degrading state. For the recent elections, we can only hope that we have casts our votes to the right party, even we know who is going to win.

Have you registered yourself today?

A jolt into reality, my friend woke me up from my day dreaming and the class is 15 minutes to 11 o'clock.

Way Ward Ways V / Can't Speak French

2008-02-20T23:24:00.011+08:00

"Mmmm yeah..."

"Aikss,, yeeesh.... ughhh"

"Mmmm, deeper baby"

"Baby you like it like that?"

"Slap me, Fuck me"

Beyond all those words, i suddenly realize fags are not so bitchy, after all those time when fags are known to scrutinize every detail of almost everything, even a cute puppy can say like it's face have been smacked like hundred times. That's what happen when temptation comes and you don't even know what to do with it.

It's morbid to be seeing someone that you lost connection for so long, like 6 months and only resurfaced in your life recently since being bumped in a club.(You don't really partied either, just a one time thing) Well, for me surely it would be a haunting nightmare to bumped into guys you have fucked with and from the whole nite, you bumped into 2 of them. Double fuck!

Then the awkwardness goes as the loud music been spinning while the people are dancing on the dance floor, drunk twinkies and lala zais gyrating to the moves of a stripper while hunky uncles ripped their clothes off showing their beefy chests , and i have a thing for uncles with beefy beef. It makes me wonder how my lips and fingers would pinch the nipples. Even more so, the thick dick portrayed in porn mostly by Eurocreme, showing leather daddies fucked on a sling belt.

Back to the topic, as the conversation goes on and on about how the lives of them and me. I have to even fake that i'm currently working and very "busy" with my work, instead it turns out to be rushing for last minute ass-signments and constant jerk offs on cam with some perverts every other day.

I admit it. My life is a mess. A Fucked Up (Total Retard)

Well, not totally, i even got hooked 3 times by some random strangers in club. The Pharmacist even asked me why he didn't get any attention. I was like duh, the only time people want to hook up with me is either dick or ass. He thinks i'm lucky? It's karma, you get high sex life, low love life.

We exchanged numbers and by the next day i got 2 sms. It goes,

Guy No 1
"When can meet you again? Miss you a lot, apparently you are still hot. Wish to hug, kiss lick and get fucked by you again like last time on the wall"

Guy No 2
"Good morning! Wanna met up at my place for a gym session?"

Ah, the predicament, from those 2 messages one is the obvious and the other is "take it slow and let me fuck u on a bench press session". So what am i doing? In one day i fuck No1 and be fucked No 2, since they are staying in PJ, that makes it easier for me to navigate my time and in a day i got ass sores, and dick pleasure with protection (x'cuse me) and better yet they are living in the same area Pantai.

The horror again,the irony of not used being called a slut but instead i became one. I can't speak French, i already made my point clear.

It happen recently.

AA Meeting.

2008-02-13T22:55:00.002+08:00

"Let's see where have we go from here?"

Quite tired of asking myself this question over and over again during my break in Chinese New Year, many things have happen, friction with friends, distance from old mates and more drama grueling in my soul that has not settled even the tiniest bit. Ever wondered why my posts are so dramatic at times? Because i'm pathetic you see.

So after i reach Alor Setar, quickly the next day i went to Langkawi for a break with hometown mates, with only RM 300 in the wallet, you be surprised by how it is spend on alcohol alone, Tequila, Absolute Vodka, Johnnie Walker Green Label, lemon and 7-up. That was already RM 200, minus the lemon. Then booked a chalet room which is RM 150 ( we share except for the alcohol, i buying it for myself).

Well, skip all the emancipation and excitement of the trip, i found myself sitting under the blanket of stars by the sea hearing the waves hit the shores, the cooling air at nite while i'm holding the Vodka bottle while the mates totally get wasted in the chalet, that's when after i wake up next to my barf and went out to the beach. Pathetic isnt it? Why with all the problems ensuing never ever SETTLED?

I think i am too paranoid, thinking stuffs that doesnt even make sense but it worries me about everything in my life. Friendship, Relationship, Family, and Responsibility, out of the four, i found myself fallen the edge of all of them (that explains my whole situation).

Guess one of my mates is rite, I think i am fabricating myself with these smooth and sweet words just to cover up my mistakes and make myself reliable and less problematic when in the eyes of others. Perhaps when i am treating other people i made harsh remarks but still have that bona fide know it all attitude which can sums up arrogant or snobbish.

As i was sitting there talking my heart's out, the vodka bottle is near the bottom, i have drank 3/4 of the thing and the next thing i know, i woke up covered in sand while my mates was trying to wake me up from my slumber. So much for alcohol addiction, i ended up with the worst hangover and having teary red eyes while at home, it got me 2 days to get rid of the headache and constantly barf inside the toilet, which smells like a public toilet pissed by men who don't flush.

I need help. Rehab maybe or something similar, or else there goes the Tequila, Johnnie Walker, down a 23 year old guy who;s abusing himself for what he is, a person with no responsibility sense, insensitive and fake.

Don't understand my post? I'm drunk.

Break

2008-02-04T02:29:00.000+08:00

Taking an emo train with alcohol and probably some Prozac, will be back when i'm SOBER.

New "Pad"

2008-01-27T23:16:00.000+08:00

1..2...3...4...5...6..7 ... check... check... check.....

That's the count of the amount of huge conventional plastic bags that contained my clothes, i have shocked myself by the amount of clothes i have in front of me when i was packing to leave this old place to a new one for the past 2 weeks, the THINGS that i have bought calculated in my 2 year stay in KL and 6 months being a society outcast.

Note that it's not only the amount of clothes but the work that have to be done to move your things. One thing i hate in life is shifting to a new place cum experience. It means starting all over again. Sounds cliche because as a person, learning is essential but not to me in this sense. I'm more to learning more bed positions to reach higher climaxes while fucking and being fucked

:P

Well, the new place is dandy, it's much more a breather that i was talking about in the past, whereas i can breathe and actually for the first time taking a dump comfortably without worrying the germs would stuck on my ass. The most important is no more cockroaches crawling around the toilet and kitchen.

But good things come with a price, exactly what i thought i have to follow rules and stuffs. One thing i hate the most is rules, you know the kind of rules that sounds ridiculous but for the good sake of others and yourself, even in the house i cant be loud but to put a facade that is too good to be true. In my life i never been so polite. Maybe it's just temporary until i really rally myself with some friends from Uni and former frenemies while in college.

Well we dont really show our real self unless being forced to, most cases comes as a surprise and you dont wanna risk looking like this when you are suddenly barged in your changing room.

Surely, you don't want people to know you enjoyed exhibiting yourself in the most unfavourable situations, mostly people would just bitch about you once being seen doing the most nastiest thing. Plus acting cute is not so "in" anymore and fags, should avoid this and at rent houses

Hideous.

Till then i'm still shaking my gay ass in this new place and hopefully it would become better than i expected. More connections inside the house mainly.

Popularity seem absurd nowadays, well i'm not self loathing nor i am jealous about it but mere humble observing the people around me. Everyone wants to be famous, who doesn't rite? When there's a chance we gave it a shot or make a ruckus about it. Recently, i've been shocked that sometimes popularity can get to you and just lose it. (someone cross the line lah)

When i first started this blog, i initially stumble upon a gay blog, with pictures of hot men and stuffs. Then i got hooked and eventually led to Plublogs. Here i started reading some of the blogs here, mainly because it is based on hits on the blog page, and that time i read Paul's blog of his experience and stuffs. One post after another i didn't realize that i have read almost half of the stories complied in years and months.

Then i clicked on the links, and led to many fellow bloggers which i don't know but living in Malaysia, my mind was saying,

"What?! Malaysians do write??"

That is so stereo of me, considering books are read every 3 months and newspapers once in a blue moon except for the news coverage on TV, mostly i would be surfing for gossips and the latest scoop on celebrity trash. Little did i known i have been reading a fellow Malaysian blog which i thought written by some random Caucasian doctor! Then my time spend on the internet is different, i read from Beneath A Bent Sky to A Frog's Point Of View to Queer Ranter to Endless Nights to OneGayBoy just to name a few.

I was thinking should i be writing a blog, obviously it's still new to me and all, because previously i have wrote journals in Axcest.com when the site introduce it's new service of writing daily thoughts onto the profile and stuffs, but the guys seem to busy to search for sex and post notices for sex, journals are useless because no one would read them i suppose, which led me to start my new blog at the earlier stage.

Since i'm new to all of this, i take reference from other blogs but mainly i want this blog to be myself, reflect me as a person as well as an online persona, so i dubbed myself as "A Fag In This Numb City". Actually this name i've been putting it on my online profile page as a title of introduction and i think it's appropriate and it sounds cliche and awkward. Surely writing a post is no problem since blogs are mainly to put our experiences and crap and we to make it interesting. Also not forgetting registering as one of the members of Plublogs.

It took me sometime to doll up my blog and stuffs, then i realize that no one is reading my blog alas like the others have spamming counts of comments to their post, i was curious how to make my blog to be known, from the earliest post i put up pictures ala Paul's style but then i realize it's very hard to find a random hunk picture when the concept of porn is to log on and get off!

From there, i keep it a routine to visit my blog every now and then (when a blog page is viewed it will show on the Hits counter) because my aim was to get into the Top 20 blogs that are read by the readers and bloggers. I think after attempting this feat, i was at Number 24, which i think not bad lah... considering that it's been 2 months and boy 2 months got many things to write!! :P

Then the starting of my sexcapades editions of Way Ward Ways which boosted this page by twofold, seriously sex do sells to fags. With postings of pictures of me in it doing the gritty dirty sex in a public toilet is an real eye opener and experience and since then my MSN have been added by some random bloggers and readers.

Well that's the way my blog is known by others, but there are ways of advertising yourself and the key is to be thick-face, but i don't really like the idea like leaving comments and stuffs, so i just read on and have a laugh of what the bloggers experienced. You don't actually tag your blog name and advertised to the whole lot like for example,

"Hi, I'm XXX and visit my blog ya!! See you and remember to add me on your blog links!!"

It takes time for people to know you i guess, since blog is just another bridge to connect with interesting people via what we read and experienced but when desperation comes into becoming popular, some extremist would go on and on spamming with the message above so that people would just get to known us. People surely don't like to be forced, what more worse than fags? We are a bitchy bunch afterall and surely we don't like to have forced sex or giving it out for "charity" reasons. Same goes to the situation above.

Furthermore, this is not just once but imagine from the start to the latest postings have spammers of these messages surely the person would be mad. Once we crossed the line, the divaness will reared it's ugly head and given you a lash of curses and mean words or polite phrases with full sarcasm head on. Since the key is to be thick face, spammers don't really take it seriously and can turn it 180' into a positive thing. Funny how people can be obsessed with popularity.

Surely we can't dubbed ourselves,

"The one who blogs, among other bloggers"

Simply because we are just different individuals with issues on our head and i think starting to rant on an online diary means we really in need of crapping our stuffs and hopefully it would alleviate some of our life qualities i.e love life, friendship.

Have a little faith and respect shall we?

Screwed For An Imaginary Paradise

2008-01-09T00:43:00.000+08:00

The stares from people from all direction aimed while i was standing there clad in my scruffy brown T-Shirt and jeans, ironic is i couldn't hold anymore of my feelings torn and kicked by the corner with no choice but to admit defeat. The counter lady was petrified and i was dramatic to choose this place to cry my lungs out. Not intentionally but my heart wrenched to see piles of RM 50 to be paid just like that.

I had came to a conclusion earlier on that i had to suck it up and face the decision though i don't like the fact that I'll be spending another 4 months on some papers which is governed by the university (which also governed by the Government) which put me in a position too hard to accept the decision made just based on bias conclusion of subjects that i didn't take in my Diploma years.

These 2 weeks have been futile, asking questions after questions from Deans, student advisors for an exemption to be in the second year (as planned after being given the informative information), just because i have to fulfill some of the criteria as i have reach 66% but not 80% of the syllabus of the university compared to the college. When i first heard of the explanation, i was furious thinking if the foundation given by the college is not approved by the Uni just because that some subjects are compulsory per say, can't it be as an external paper while I'm in my Year 2?

Addition to that, if the Uni and college is a totally a different organization and management, shouldn't you give off the wrong information to the students and is it the responsibility to informed the College to spread the original message rather than sugarcoat it with hopes and dreams, manipulating the students naive conscious and some desperate students to graduate in time (like me)

Is it fair? I asked, he was speechless, and there goes with all those nonsense that the Uni is governed by the Government, and some subjects are compulsory and it is a compulsory for students to take up Chinese Language despite being a non-Chinese and a Banana Chinese. So that buggers me a lot, i find it very nauseating when he talks, and even made an attempt to stab the pen lying on the table down his forehead, which ended a long scratch on my arm.

What kind of Uni forced people to take up Chinese? Yes, the Uni is full of bengbeng and lianlian, no wonder the Chinese was so well spoken and accept the fact even the office administrator can't even speak proper English and not forgetting some students with the obnoxious slangs of English during ice breaking session in class. Hated the fact it's obvious that i'm the oldest in class (23 mind you) mingling with those children with bad sense of clothes and those gold yellowed dyes hair, did i mention that overall all of them are skinny? (i could fit a whole closet with skeletons)

Not mentioning some of the guys are so girly like and gay to boot, with the hand pose while talking and the sashaying of the butt like he's gyrating to Shakira. Gosh, this is totally a mess. and it's an honest mess.

Education nowadays are so limited, people have no choice because it is what the society seeks and based on, peoples are labeled with the degrees you have, the more class statue you have, the more people would look up upon you. To put it simple, people are recognize by their specialty (degrees plastered on their faces), therefore such College and Uni which are governed by the Government itself take this opportunity to make another buck out of the students.

As i see it, everything is in business transaction with bias decisions made just to satisfied the quota of the volume intakes and successions of graduates graduating from the Uni itself, so they can spread more "honest" and "fair" evaluation on unsuspecting students who seeks

"Quality, Affordable, Education"

Isn't it ironic? Plus what am i gonna do to heal the pain? Haven't been to gym for a week, and downing in on vanilla ice cream at home, and not forgetting it's 2 buckets of it. Eating the sinfully highly sugar ice cream that would make a fag gone bogus after calculating the whole calories and the amount of fat stored up in the trunk. It's not a beautiful sight to behold. I think i am on a suicide watch, it's only matter of time i explode...... yet again.

Spice Up Your Life

2007-12-29T01:01:00.000+08:00

A moment of pause is what i need for now, and i get it for the past few days, been abandoning this space for sometime now, considering my last post was about insecurity in the public eye. Nevertheless i did manage to salvage myself into a small corner and think deep about many useless and obnoxious ideas and thoughts.

This year has been fine nothing extraordinary nor surprises that really excites me. I'm still wishing to strike some grand prizes organized by magazines to kill time. This year i have been dangling by the line for 6 months, my dreams and hopes crushed by the moment i receive the exam transcript. The following days has been hard, wishing the days would end and growing up fast enough to be independent and emotionally stable to face the cold harsh world that is presented in a potpourri of mix emotions and doubts.

Trying something new for a while, start to meet people and making connections and emotionally stroked by a guy which really fulfills all the qualities i looked for in a while, i hope this chance don't screw up for me as i really need a boost in my love life. Been tired of walking down the streets seeing the guys that you have slept with and remembering the harsh reality after the door slams shut behind me. I think it's too late to change what i am now, been labelled as slut before by some random arsehole just because i'm man fasting for like 2 years and refuse to get grotto.

I dun mind the labels, frankly i don't really mind being called as anything, at least that what makes you famous and peoples' perception are only bias just because they are jealous and don't get the equal amount of advantages that you have considering i am not that pretty and not that beautiful.

I guess i did this to myself, been repeating the mistakes again and again without realising that my time and youth are wasted in handling my mood swings, emotional scar, anger and a hole in my soul that needs to be tend to. Tired and restless.

I have to say sorry for those who met me with me smiley and all, i just have to live up the standards of this online persona "A Fag In This Numb City", but all the details that i shared with you guys are honest and straight from my fragile soul. There's not a need to show everyone you have problems, friends are meant for caring each other but not indulging into one's problem and sympathize on one's shortcomings.

The end is nearing soon so what's next year has in for me? More drama perhaps or uncertainties that awaits for me to carry on my shoulders. Who would know? As they say,

"Live today like it's your last"

In the end, we can only hope for the best, but that doesn't always come true. Harsh...

Dementia

2007-12-19T01:25:00.000+08:00

It's hit me sometimes, why i would be tongue tied when meeting face to face with people, i mean in general, it should be easy to strike something in common to chat when socialising with the other party, but why would i be speechless in the entire time together. I am suppose to be approachable but instead i'm like a dumbass wearing tight jeans with a tight shirt announcing my arrival at Pavillion.

Well, not that we should be singing to them "Nipple Nipple" nor "Yellow Goat" like what they did in Bollywood style totally running up and down the hills and fields of meadows, where can u find field of meadows in the city anyway? Well, i was meeting Chester and Magus for a movie date, second time meeting Magus and first time meeting Chester, we had dinner at the food court downstairs lah.. since you don't really forced people to eat with limited choices right? Magus is such a darling, in a good manner. (hello, no naughty thoughts here)

Here i am again sitting there but total silence between me and them, i'm like going "uh huh" "yes" "should be" until the conversation leads to watching cartoons and reminiscence of our childhood, mostly me and Magus child experience since i'm only 3 years younger than the auntie, Chester was like clueless of what we are talking about.

See what i mean? You're like being a total outcast and just go with the flow although you dont really know what you and the other party talks about, maybe because all our lives we are in front of the computer most of the time, we rarely and rarely have physical bonding with real life persons. Technology has made everything possible, you don't need to go out find people for chat, just a click of button and type on MSN.

We found it easier to talk when we are at each ends, we suddenly have many things to talk about, but when meeting, total silence even a pin drops makes the nuisance even awkward. Perhaps, we are too dependent on technology alone, we forgot the real importance to bond with people. connections, friendship with the old ways rather than adding people on your list of friends in Friendster, MySpace, Facebook, MSN and other communication tools but we only knew a handful of them.

Sigh, am i being paranoid of the changes around me and myself? Change as i always stress on but it's square one all over again. I should try harder, cos i'm not trying hard enough to break the shell of delusional and attachment to fantasy that don't even exist in the first place.

In case you're wondering what is "Nipple Nipple" and "Yellow Goat". Watch the videos below.

Bittersweet Karma

2007-12-12T01:37:00.000+08:00

It's weird to remember some of the forbidden memories from the past, when these memories are forever erased from ourselves but somehow manage to pop up in our dreams after certain events, what we read or even when thinking about other people. We get this everytime when we are doing things in conscious mind and then we drift into space and thinking that these events looks too familiar.

Yesterday i had the experience, in fact i do not know why i would be recollecting the past with bruised arms, cheeks and bleeding right ear. Truth to be told, during my highschool years i somehow involved in a fight, not those petty cat fights, gang fights from nasty students school after throwing words such as your mother that kind of curse. I didn't know why i remember this considering that the participants involved ended with equal bruises and bleeding scars. I was solo, and had a Royal Rumble with 3 other students one with a helmet on hand, the other with a wooden stick (rusted) and the leader head on with me.

It was after school time when i was being surprise attack while i was crossing the street to wait for my Grandma to pick me up from school, though i'm Form 4 with a motorcycle license, my Mum forbid me from driving it because of accidents happen at that time i guess, so i had to wait for the car to go back to home for lunch and tuition and stuffs.

The first blow was to my back, with the wooden stick but i didnt fell down to the ground, because once u fell on the ground you will be kicked on the stomach, pretty much having ruptured spleen or internal organs. I quickly ran behind him and rammed his face to the tree that's residing under the telephone booth, then the helmet follows, nearly hit my head because i use the previous guy as human shield, i kicked him off and take on the helmet guy on ground and repeatedly punching his face while the leader is pulling my hair and kicking me at my back.

I lost it that time, in fact i gone berserk, my mind was thinking only one thing, to kill off the guy that slap me on my back. The result? Bruises and torn uniforms, mind you my prefect tie also used to choked the helmet guy and got torn into pieces. If the discipline teacher didn't stop me in time, i might have committed murder. While i was being held from beating them, my legs are still kicking the floor along the way from them.

Well, I didn't get expelled, because many witness there and i played the innocent victim but the real victim is them, they got more damage than i do, the first guy is being hospitalized for 2 months, considering the damage is broken nose, teeth and the head with 16 stitches (from what i heard from my Father). He didn't went into coma though i want it to happen.

It sucks to be me, considering that i have a very bad temper, once i go mad, you might die from it. So that is why i had Taekwondo and piano lessons. It happens for a reason, during the post fight drama, i was forced sent to a shrink by my Grandfather in Penang for consultation, the treatment went as long as 3 months, and mind you in 3 months my Gramps spent RM 1200 for the whole treatment. That's why i know the per hour rate and the treatment, what you see in movies are crap, they get you sit face to face then u read some illustration cards and tell them how you feel, but most of the time you just expressed how you feel week after week.

Thus the traveling to and fro during Fridays are very burdening in those 3 months. The effect? I got totally brainwashed from this memory, i did control my anger and manage it from there, but it's weird that it's popping up recently, not just once but several times at nights.

What's the predicament i wonder. Karma?

Smile Smile!

2007-12-07T01:49:00.000+08:00

It's cliche sometimes not to take serious of what matter most at the time. At this moment my future is dangling by the thin red line, which determines my downfall or afresh in my life. I can only blame myself for my laziness to do it earlier before than, everything have to wait by the last minute. The predicament and irony, now i'm gagging over my arms and simply biting other people's head.

Old habits do die hard, been trying to change or completely zapped this laziness out of my body but to no avail, it's not working nor it's effective, one thing is functioning properly, is constant erections of thinking devoid stuff you would do to the next hunk sitting across from the table. What should i do?

Since it's last minute, i had only one shot, get in the application form and just pray hard to be accepted in time, pay the beautifully printed bills and get myself on a roadtrip hunting houses with cheap rent then starting to be a geek and nerd again. Fabulous isn't it life of a student? Care-free with the loan that we applied, it seems fun but once we are out in the working world we are mounted with debts over our heads until we can't breathe.

That only happens after our glitz and glamour convocation and sitting near 2 months jobless and drunk by the nearest sleazy bar. Let's not forget of dealing with cranky old staffs, sigh i'm being too polite with words, should be cranky old bitches with long hair with that "Don't Fuck With Me" office lady attitude which seems too reluctant to help the students when her job is to fill in on what information a fresh graduate should get with courteous and politeness, instead i get this answer.

"I don't really know the system here"

I should be mad, because considering the age and the dressing and having a private office room, yet dare to give these kind of remarks is asking for deathwish, but i didn't. No point getting angry anyway, she's at the side of the thick glass mirror, which also extends the safety from students (like me) to grab her hair, slap her face, pin down on the registration table and slide the side mirror to her neck making her suffocate or likewise.

Instead i have to smile politely and say "Thank You". If only women are treated not as the weaker sex, i would really just spit on her face, why give a damn anyway? So now i have a new aim, to get into the degree course, in PJ campus, study for 2 more years, get my degree and go back to the admission office slap her face so hard her face would be blue black and walk right out of the front door smiling.

Revenge are meant to be served with cold chill Ice Pina Colada, sweet yet sour at times, pain and pleasure.

Why Don't You Do Right.

2007-11-29T01:17:00.000+08:00

Before Space Jam, which uses real actors and cartoon animation together acting in movies, way back before in the 90's this film uses the same concept. Funny really, i would found the reminiscence of my childhood watching this movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I still do have the Roger Rabbit and Baby Herman figurine now placed in a glass cupboard in my Alor Setar home. Way back when i was in Standard 3 i got it as a gift from KFC when i'm celebrating my birthday there.

Back then celebrating a birthday in KFC was considered grand, i get to invite my class friends (which that time was done by my parents telling the other parents) to come and celebrate with me. My dad purchased this videotape (original packed in a plastic shelter) and watched it together with the family, fascinated of course that animation can be done and the funny glitches of Roger Rabbit and Baby Herman on set of their new cartoon episode and the incidents involve around the other cartoon character.

During in the 90's and past, cartoons such as these and the likes of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Woody Woodpecker, Pinky And The Brain do shown in Malaysia when the Government decided to have a Censorship Board for the purpose of educating our fellow citizens to have a more responsible attitute towards decency and religion which frankly in present local movies are below par and others are being butchered for sex scenes, public affection and gore. It's like baby-feeding of what is right or wrong like we don't know how to make decisions of good and bad.

Surprisingly though, it's a Disney movie. Just when you thought Disney is all about innocence with everything nice. Disney has done PG rated animation and this is the one of those past Disney movies that they are trying hard to sweep under the carpet. Wonder why it is PG rated?

I let some of the scenes i found on Youtube and you be the judge.

Jessica Rabbit: You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way i do.

Detective Valiant: You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at other woman the way you do.

Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad I'm just drawn that way.

At the end of the scene is priceless, the head bounce on her chest! It would be perverse to say this but she's hot for a cartoon character. Ah, how i miss the story where bad guys are going after money that existed in Toon Land, the madness of the filming set of Roger Rabbit. Another scene from the movie is the song sung during a performance of Jessica Rabbit.

The song is called "Why Don't You Do Right" by Amy Irving. I am so finding this movie on DVD. Great to watch and relieve the joy when i was watching cartoons before i stopped completely after i went into high school and settled for glossy magazines and porn. :p

Does this movie tick your childhood past?

Sinking Towards Insanity

2007-11-28T01:00:00.000+08:00

At this point of my life, i am really going to hanged myself at the nearest ceiling or jump down flight of stairs with a belt over my neck. I'm so pissed at everything, and it seems i'm one cranky fag who is sadistic and think more than one ways to torture one of the housemate's who's been cooking and making the whole house smell like an over fried char koay teow.

Let's see, i now have eating disorders, sleeping disorders. It's only time i would be a schizophrenic and then a total nutcase who started a mass killing spree on all the things around me. I'm so pissed at myself even i am starting to wonder why am i stuck where i am now, days pass me by with me doing nothing but killing time by packing my stuffs to move to PJ for UTAR.

I really need a change of environment, a breather at least to keep me sane in KL.

I cannot take it anymore with the constant beating my body gets from all the exercise and gym. Imagine waking up at 5.30 to go to jog in the stupid park nearby and then come back bathe and sleep until 11.00 then wake up have lunch and gone for gym by 2.00 pm. This cycle has been going on for 2 months, most and MOST of the time i would found myself taking naps in between evenings!

It's a really bad triad to follow.

Plus, i'm mumbling to myself lately. I need help.

P.S : Next posting it's about a short story. Not for the fainted heart, i be writing about a victim who is forced to mass murder people for the amusement of his captor.

Vagina Monologue

2007-11-22T16:56:00.000+08:00

To the left, left, left..

To the left, left, left...

No, i'm not singing that boring tune, instead i cant believe myself stuck with my ex girlfriend searching for a perfect little dinner outfit for her cousin's wedding dinner this Friday, surely this comes easy to everyone to dressed up appropriately to these kinds of dinners, but some just dont have a clue between a Black&White party or Casual.

Used to be a fashion roadkill myself, showing up with a pair of jeans and skanky looking tight tee-shirt with graffiti words as Suck This at the middle of the shirt with an arrow pointing down at my genitals, not forgetting the horrendous underwear from Giant supermarket which now seems like a more conventional way to buy cheap underwear. A moment's of rest, that was long before i even became swishy and sensitive.

After having to discover the wonders of glossy magazines at the tender age of 16, that time V Mag was the escape for me, seeing models parade in beautifully tailored dresses and hunky models in trench coats (there's sexiness after putting on a Burberry trench coat with a newsboy cap) Then with make up tips for women and articles of travel, health basically beauty, then realize my acne ridden face and bad fashion sense, made me realize what's in my closet is so inadequate.

With little money to splurged and almost all new clothes only bought during near Chinese New Year, i have to settle to facial products, pestering Mum to buy all those product i needed and i did have facial treatment after my SPM examination as a treat of what's been so stressing for the past few weeks of grueling books and mathematical formulaes which i hate so much. But still, Alor Setar fashion is beyond shocking words to describe, just think of outdated fashion and everyone looks like a yard sale.

Ironically though i manage to get myself a girlfriend that time, she was a high school sweetheart, we spent so much time together and we had a blast until we broke up during our time working in Genting Highlands. She was wearing an M, just rite of the sizes, good pair of breasts and a perfect 24 inch waist. Yes, i do get to grope on those breast, we did have sex, but no one got pregnant, i managed to steal a condom from my parent's bedroom (my parents do have a dildo, tell ya later next time)

She's gotten fatter now, maybe with the late nights of studying, but i dont mind she's still my first sweetheart. Well you wonder why a girl needs a guy's help in this department? Because the last gathering in hometown, she was wearing this very long shirt with 2 hideous pockets by the side as if looking like a cute pouch, whoever brings Taiwan and Japanese street fashion should be shot to death! Not hypothetically, but seriously who would ever show up looking like that? the body is bigger and it's not good to wear a ovesized Grey coloured shirt showing off the ass of two Brazils!

We had a relationship, like those kind of a life coach to his customer, constantly supporting each other with our feelings and problems. She do sometimes asked my opinions about what she's going to buy or wear several times so i dont mind since i love to see her look her best. Here i was searching for the right dresses for her with her size now. Then when you think of it, it's weird for a young guy like me to be strolling around in a women dress shop searching of what's suitable for my sweetheart for hours.

Taking several dresses at a time and call her to do a fashion walk down at the dressing room's aisle. Yes, you will get glances from the ladies who shopped there even transsexuals who worked there even whispers while watching me taking dresses and look into the mirror with her and imagining the perfect shoes and goes with a perfect dinner bag. I do make a good mix and match combination and since she's fat, we settle for all black.

A cute white round neck linings and at the sleeves dress, with a cute little black peep toe 2 inch high shoes with a rectangular dinner bag to go with the dress and the shoes, but something's missing, then i had to prowl the whole store for a red belt that goes on the upper waist which makes it perfect, it's a wedding y'all you are not attending a funeral.

With that a peck of kiss to the cheek inside the dressing room and i said,

"Your Welcome"

FYI, i'm still a fag walking the make believe swishy Rainbow brick road.

Way Ward Ways IV

2007-11-18T00:58:00.000+08:00

Fetishes. Who doesn't have fetishes? As morbid as it may sound, everyone in us has the wild side. The other side i'm talking about is sex. Be it anything we dream of, swing fuck,threesomes/foursomes/multiple somes, size queen, double dicked, sniffing, muscle worship, gang rape or even role play.

Mostly we just stay at where it is in our dreams where it is tucked far far away at the back of our minds and resurface again when our head hits the pillow, but some of us embrace it. For me it's a first being exposed to these kind of experimentations, considering i'm still vulnerable at that time, but it's an experience and i think i would love it if i decided to become a sicko pedophile full of rage, which would not happen until i die :)

There i was walking up the stairs with dimly lit lights replaced with couple of scent candles by the side table of his bedroom, the veils, the bed, the sight of him just standing there, big, strong but unfortunately with a little bump full dressed with leather boots and chain leather like attire, I that time was stupid enough to tell him to undress but i didn't know that this guy i hooked up with is into bondage.

I was reluctant at first and ready to grab my pants up and out of the room, but then sudden kissing with him squeezing me into his arms just makes me lose control, he assured that if i didn't like it i can tell him to stop. With that assurance, this fag tried some of the light bondage, as a total virgin, i just sat there and let him do the work, he work on my feet first, then start licking my thighs and legs, at first i didn't like it because he looks like a beast savaging a piece of animal meat, brutishly eating it's guts out, but what the heck he's hot.

Being in a 5 ft 8 inch with little muscular arms, wide chest and hairy by the back, clad in his leather gears and a black sunglasses Mr Hugo (pseudo bondage name) loves his bitch boy being tied up. He's been in several private leather parties and he practices safe sex (mostly leather bears/daddies are associated to bareback sex), by the way he is a dominator, meaning he dominates not being a top but dominates his sex partner which in bondage terms slaves.

It's kind of a roleplay actually, calling "Sir" and the desire wanting more, just think of military bunk captain and coporal doing push ups, the constant shouting, slapping the butt makes the sex even more appealing. Well some will do "fisting" by turning their holes into a 5 inch wide pipe hose dripping with lubricant and wet dildos, i just settled for candle wax all over my body.

Then i was tied up by the sides of the Queen size bed, with clothes from his closet, blindfolded and experience the hot candle wax drips onto my body and dries off leaving marks all over my body. At first i was in pain but with his help or what he called "Daddy's little best friend" poppers. A snort up the nose relaxes all the body immune system, it smells bad and reak of overnight cum shots.

After the wax exercise, he began to untie me, with my blindfold still on then he tied my arms at the back of my body leaving me standing there naked and shivering cold by the air conditioning turned to the max. I was still in the poppers haze, well 3 snorts up my nose who else can think straight? I was laughing when he tied me then the next thing i was fucking with him thrusting up my arse standing. He was humping me while grabbing my chest standing.

THAT is the most erotic position, i was getting hard on all the time he was fucking me, then we tried the doggy style with him spanking my butt not with his hand but a dildo, a black one to be precise, my butt cheeks is already red from all that spanking and fucking at the same time. I cant believe i'm saying this, this is the best sex i have encounter after so many perverts.

When i came to my senses, i just blurted out

"Feed me, Sir....please Sir"

With that, he cummed on my face, and i spent the night at his place since it's already 3 am after we played since 11 pm. To be exact we cummed 4 times. The next morning he drove me back to my place full in a formal shirt and khaki pants with brown working shoes with a flower print tie, and goes to work as an accountant, spectacle, smart Mr Hin.

I ended up with a few candle wax marks, a short line of laceration up my elbow and fell onto the bed not knowing the time is already late noon when i woke up. (i still have the laceration scar up until now)

Sounds From The Upstairs Tenant

2007-11-11T02:04:00.001+08:00

"Ting, Dong, Tang Tang Tang Tang ding...."

"Ting, Dong, Tang Tang Tang Tang ding...."

"Ting, Dong, Tang Tang Tang Tang ding...."

Every morning like a ritual these tunes would be heard at the side windows of my room with those worst harmonious notes together at the worst played rendition of "Canon In D". Yes, there's someone upstairs who seem too oblivious with a G# and C minor chord. It's hard to explain when i'm cursing in my room everytime the person upstairs starts to play the piano.

Well, that only happens when i'm cranky and in need of a dire slumber. Well blame me for watching anime in the wee hours of the morning but hearing wrong piano notes to woke up from a slumber dream is more annoying than my mother's incessant shouting during my stay in Alor Setar. Why do good songs happen to be played by bad people? I mean amateurs, bunch of amateurs trying to imitate Richard Clayderman.

Back then, learning the piano is like a survival skill or more or less a hobby, a Yamaha piano would cost something like RM 3000. My Mum had been forcing me to take this lesson although i despise it a lot when i was small by hiding in the jamban for hours pretending to be having diarrhea. Then my Mum would drag me out with a cane then my buttocks got abused along the way to the teacher's house.

Well, that was the first torture, the second torture would be at the teacher's house. I still remember her name is Miss Benny, she lives in Taman Berjaya back in Alor Setar now married with a successful businessman. Back when she is single and virgin, i cant help but feel scared when attending to her lessons, the infamous "pencil sting" that ended up with red rashes on my hands. Apparently, she hit my fingers with the pencil if i got one note wrong. One note, my fingers got "sting" not just one hand but both hands, because i didn't practice the whole entire score notes.

I cry a lot back then in the teacher's house but she didnt stop there and keep hitting me with the pencil to remind me to practice my music. When i complain to my Mum she says,

"Syok, don't want to practice la... kena Syok" (In Mandarin)

Despite that the whole family that time even my aunts and uncles also say that. See how cruel are they, when the only obvious child in the family that time still want to bully me. From then on i practice everything she teach me because in fear of kena sting again, so practice the whole piece, day by day from worst i have become the best, when i'm 11 years old i have already played Clementi pieces, i love Clementi's, fast with a lot of trills and intervals. That time i think i took the Grade 3 practical test, got good remarks from the examiner who happens to be from the British Royal Albert Music Academy School (roughly the name la, forgot already).

There are 2 types of examinations that pianists can advance, one is through practical where you practice a particular piece of music score that they provided in the textbook, usually we have to pick three out of nine pieces with A, B, C category. Before the music score is played, we have to do harmonics,chromatic, major, minor, scales of music before proceeding to the music pieces, after that we would have to have an hearing test, where the examiner play a key on the piano and you have to say what note is that. C,D,E,F,G,A,B,C or known commonly as Do,Re,Mi, Fa,So,La,Ti,Do.

Then there's the written test. Where you will be tested on the knowledge of music, we called it Theory Test, mostly these test consists of creating a simple music phrase with the notes given, timing and rests, then stating out the scales mostly knowledge of what you learn in piano. Mostly pianist would go for practical because it's much faster to advance to grades (there are 8 grades and Diploma level)

Present day, nowadays piano is not seen as a survival skill but common in the eyes of society, everyone can learn piano now, it does not limit to the rich and intermediate family like back then when i'm learning piano which is a taboo when you say you can play some tunes your friends would praise you like some kind of demi-god.

Some parents also push their kids to learn piano is to just show off, as i can see from my far relatives which is rich, but learn dancing, piano, ballet, just so to show off when their eldest son got married so they can perform a show in front of all the guests at the dinner, well everyone go in oohs and aahs but i just see that as a kiss ass act. Why the trouble rite? Just throw money at the guests in Angpows would be much more easier then getting the tedious training after such tight schedule of working. Shallow minds are predictable.

So even you have the ability to play a tune, bear in mind there are thousands out there can play a tune, so you don't feel special but common.

For me, i never regretted learning piano and i'm far better off than those who played at music centres, because i practice even before i sleep i would be playing a tune and favourite is "Winter Sonata" that was when the Korean drama craze over this and i'm Form 3. Have to get the rust off the hands if to be a pro again and possible finding jobs as pianists because the pay is attractive.

Am i going upstairs tommorow and tell her it's a G# note or just tell her,

"Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere"

Go figure! :P

Dictators

2007-11-06T08:09:00.000+08:00

It's amuses me sometimes that some time, well most of the time i be having to bump into this particular person in fact it's the same particular group which i dubbed as "The Dictators". From my previous posts i haven't really get the chance to really my working sphere that i am now with. With odd working hours and no compensation for working on public holidays, it seems like a paradise to be getting an easy pay but it comes with hard work.

Imagine sitting on the office chair for hours to end in front of the computer screen while the stupid earphones are attached to the head, my butt is burning not with passion but the annoyance of the chair that burns through my jeans, practically i'm sitting on a chair full of spikes! Enough with the shortage of good chairs, it seems no company even provide a decent leather cushion chair. Drama..

Back to the story, the placing for the operators are different from each week, there are four sections in alphabetical order A,B,C and D. It may seem like a normal all round section but it do bring meanings like the type of person in that sections,

Section A is for veteran/old middle age operators who have ben working over 10 years and don't mind cursing and scolding the customers on the phone and get away with it, most of it all most of them can speak Hokkien and i mean loud and rude that kind.

Section B is for suck-ups. Yep, the whoring around with the control panel zone in the middle of the four sections, it seems that the group of people seem to interact more with the DO's (Duty Operators) more with their neighbour operators.

Section C is for seasons operators and jokers. In this section you will laugh Your ass out with the jokers making jokes about each other and the topics of sex in loud Canto how vagina lips evolved into pink blushing color by a GIRL! Yep, there's a girl who changes partner like bedsheets.

Section D is for newbies. Most of the time all of them including me trained in that section before being dispatched to several places in that working sphere.

All this are from my observation and with my "no talk with strangers" policy i have been dubbed "Tai Chek Lou" in general. The name was given on the first day when i was there, everyone was like calling me that because my chest was like bigger and not fat just big in size. This was dubbed after i sat in Section C and by next week i'm already known by the whole freaking people working there calling me that while i pass them by saying hi.

Then there's this guy who is obnoxiously big yes 6 feet tall with 53 inch pants or was it 50? (from what i see) I forgot, just imagine a big tub of lard with excessive flows of yucky bad cheese color. I'm only 35 ok, after shedding that 44 inch waist from before, in general he would look like a nice guy but not apparently he has a motor mouth that dictate people's action and sometimes about his friends.

I mean it's rude to say nor give comments about people's action but he can think of the reason to back his ideas, personally i hate this kind of person. They are popular with their antics and one of the antics i can remember is how much can u save electricity by turning off the lights in the pantry then goes with his story of dunno where mother-of-all-bull-and-crap out of his mouth to amuse his neighbour operators.

Maybe it's a boring to not talk with your neighbour or i'm just diffrent because i dunno what i'm going to talk with my left and right so i kept quiet and hum along Dannii Minogue's "Put A Needle On It", and trust me people would assumed u had sex too much and desperate for a touch down there. No wonder i'm jealous of outspoken wits.

Screaming Pain

2007-11-01T20:43:00.001+08:00

It's my third hour in gym, and i still feel inadequate, a trauma day for me, halfway through the 3rd hour i feel my stomach the need to "release". Felt dizzy and i just sat by the bench provided; gulp a lot of water and it's my 2nd bottle of the day. My stomach still feels ill. With that i rush to the toilet and puke, streams after streams of the food that i have taken, barely even food just vegetables and yogurt. As i was standing in the toilet cubicle, i thought to myself, why?

Tears beginning to draw from the eye and i give a soft sob: alone with only a small window that reaching outside the neon light from the snooker joint in the vicinity. This is how i feel about myself, inadequate. Trapped in a room with only a window that barely shines into it, lonely and pathetic. Perhaps i am over doing things, i'm just not myself lately.

Will i be the geek that conversations consists only about "dota" "Studies" and nothing else? What happen to quality time when i was in high school, the sheer confidence i have back then is imaaculate, everything i do i give it a go and do not hesistate, why now i feel that i'm no more less than ordinary. the doubts and hesitation that begulfed me since i step into college.

All my life i've been searching for that answer, the one and only answer i would like to hear is satisfaction. I've never been satisfied with myself, even my parents i blame them for having too much hope on me, even grades i already got an 3.00 GCPA i want more, and higher, but i can only be there not over the barrier that seperates me from the normal and ordinary. Why i cant do it, as i thought while looking down with tears overflowing my cheeks.

I want to get through that barrier someday, at least with what i am doing with myself, simply forcing myself to toned down the body, this is at least what i can do to get some affection from family. Don't wanna be looked at one way when people seen you after all these years you havent change a bit, still the same person they have looked at your after all these years. Is my request is so hard to achieve? It's simple, give me some respect a little, a little more attention and perhaps love from everyone.

I wipe my face with the soaking sweat t shirt and head out the bathroom, passed through the mirror and looked at myself saying

"It's just another day"

Doubtful if that is me in the reflection and continue until the 4th hour in the gym, i've been doing more rounds lately, maybe it's a good thing, to stop thinking too much.

Crap

2007-10-26T01:07:00.000+08:00

Time goes by so slowly, on my watch of course, I'm happy that i passed my resit papers and i can dream of that convocation that i've been dreaming since attending my friends' ceremony. But it's only happening on next year Jun. Well i've decided to get a degree in UTAR already, so the time is shorten a bit when January intake. So now i have 2 months sitting here in KL doing nothing except for the pathetic bloody work that i sign up for, which now i see as pointless.

I meant to find a job in advertising line but only 2 months to go and most contracts are 6 months or a year, so the hold up again. Well spent my time doing a housewife would do, cleaning the dusts of the room and the computer by wasting time on the internet looking up pointless informations, jokes, animes, tv series and watching Xtube.com of amateurs performing their sexcapades.

Yeah my hormones are up lately not mentioning the hard on i'm getting during the lonely nights i'm sleeping on my bed, watching the plain ceiling hoping it would open a gap and a arm reaching out for me to catch it and pull me into Wonderland. So today i feel jaded sitting in the room thus i go out lah on a shopping spree for my necessities (this Queen spends mostly on facial products and yogurt).

That aside, manage to drop by MPH to browse books like i always do whenever at Jusco, finding interesting titles that manage to interest me, frankly i have no idea of the authors, and just browse thru the synopsis at the back. One thing about MPH is they wrapped their books in plastics so readers cant read the content or even have a preview before buying it not like Times.

Usually I go thru the Best Sellers, New Arrivals, Highlights, Fiction/Non fiction sections but never been on Self Help sections, well i didnt know walk walk walk until the turn and bah all the books on self help and some titles are really outrageous but mainly for ladies only, yes i'm a male chauvinism.

Maybe because i thought self help books are a reminder of our bad habits and behaviour, makes us feel inadequate and most of the books are telling you to improve your life when you read this when it's not. Our society is too shy to go for free consult or programmes so they resort to books, reading and realizing, crying, laughing at himself/herself. Even some people who has high end jobs needs counselling but can't afford the RM 200 per session and by the way, psychologist doctors earn more that normal doctors to boot, because nowadays many people need emotional help.

Some titles are really outrageous and i snapped a few, sorry it's ladies books and mainly all books cater to the women population.

Do we need explanation for this? Why Men Love Bitches? Bitches do more in the bed department, plus bitches tend to change partners like their bedsheets. Do women read this while crying on the bed eating Oreo milkshakes realizing their husbands is on the trail of getting them divorced?

If you guys remembered, there's a scene in Bridget Jones's diary where she reinvent her shelves and one of the books is this "Man Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". Of course, men have dicks women have vaginas, totally different Gay Men from where? Anusol (which is another name for arse crack medication brand)

Everytime i browse the books there are some i wanted to buy, but due to finiancial constraints i have to drool over them. Here are some of the wishlist books i wanted to have, and own hopefully by next month.

Drama ain't it?

Way Ward Ways III

2007-10-21T23:35:00.001+08:00

"I always have a thing for that"

Sounds familiar isn't it? Well all of us have our own alleviation methods, some do it the healthy way and some dont, but i'm not going to write about the history of fetishes. Lately, my way ward slef has been rearing it's head out (dark side of Brian C) Well with the sex in hometown with a muscle hunk, guess i pen it down that this is the second time that i had tried on this daring adventure with the risk of getting caught ala George Michael.

The first time i was exposed was an impromptu decision and curious how it felt doing a quickie rather than a long humping on bed. Unacceptable at first but this whore has to try everything for once. I met this guy David on the dating site last year, an average Joe, and as expected chub chaser. I denied to be called a chub ever in my gay life, which explains i'm trying very hard to change that mentality of the people i have sex with, preferably someone who is fit and a pair of beautiful eyes? (i'm that shallow but it's just plain sex nothing more than that)

Thus we met and had coffee and asking the usual stuffs you would ask before hitting the bed for a fuck. The coffee was short about 15 minutes and he's already said his ass is itching for a plunge. This was my first time having heard so straight forward remark, i like his guts though then the problem arises, whose place? Definately not mine because occupied by the bloody roomate, then i suggested his place but to no avail he wont budge either.

It's weird sometimes considering the mind can think of odd places to go or experience new things, unfortunately for me, he's a thrill seeker. He suggested the washroom (for more polite than sleazy dirty toilets) He first suggested the toilets by the LRT station in Pasar Seni, or known as cruising places for old perverts, and he said it's safe but i doubt. so i suggested to have it in the Avenue K's toilet as it's newly open and not so many people go there like now, so the predicament, entered the crippled and disabled stall and did our thing.

Having public sex or in this term quickie is intense, the adrenaline of the wanting more and wanted to cum in a short time alleviates the person getting it and giving it. I spare you the details with pictures.

Front Door

Back Door

A picture says it all but the skills of sucking a pole is beyond words, as i always stress on blowjobs i do enjoy getting a good head and giving one. A good head with skills and making the half of your cock's shaft throbbing red with wet saliva and timing to lick the balls before you explode all over the cumwhore's face.

It comes with a price, sounds fun and daring but our session got interrupted by the cleaning lady when she try to pry open the door with her mop, then we heard of she was calling the guards, we quickly get our trousers on and the condom is still attached to my shaft, and yes all possible of "waste" products get stick onto the underwear and i have to wash like 5 times to get rid of the smell because it's my favorite pair.

The same thing applies when it's random to meet a hunk in your local gym to have sex with. I'm so lucky that this hunk shorter than me and packed with muscles is also another definative of a hungry cum whore, but this time we showered together in the shower stall, the tingling sensation of the cold shower streams down our body while i was tapping that ass, and fondling his man breast. The stench of the urinals makes the whole mood unbearable but it doesnt matter because as people say it

"It's Just Sex"

Do you have a thing for something now? Play safe, and be safe, that's why it's good to have a rubber in wallet, you might never know you might get it, it happens on all the wrong places.

C'est La Vie Home

2007-10-17T20:56:00.000+08:00

Well, i've been MIA for 2 weeks, almost 3 weeks as i'm going back to KL 2morow, just only have to pen down everything here or just a summary of wat i have been doing. Yes, i am a slob but cant blame me cos i'm an incarcerated.viral swearing cunt so beware before even think of saying anything stupid :p Well all goes well really up North, the rain and shine, friends and even i get me-self a sex session with a muscle hunk. Surprising but i cant help it, my dick was raging hard in my jockstrap!

Like any other person who goes back to hometown, the first thing that we think of is our own bed, u know the ever soft Dreamland mattress that we get so used to sleep since our days of high school until now and the ever warm soft blanket with Softlan all over it, and a childish Power Rangers bed cover! (mine is that and Doraemon some more) Then the room, spacious room with only a bed, cupboard and a radio set by the side table, then the longing of the air conditioner while sleeping at nite.

Next we think of the glorious food that we be able to stomached ourselves. Cheap food available with only a RM 10 i can even eat a set of sushi Bento in a Japanese restaurant without even exceeding Rm 30. It is that cheap here mainly because the market here and typically Chinese community is "cheap". Not that kind of way but the thinking of getting freebies they would travel from Jitra, Perlis, Sungai Petani just to stock necessities just because the Hypermarket is offering a 70% cut on ALL items during the Raya Craze. I guess by now the people have to eat grass for the next of whole month. The purchase is not in a individual form but in boxes, you can imagine crate after crate of Dynamos being passed thru the paying counter.

For i have sinned, i have been having too much compliments from food and fun, it shows that i havent been blogging because i've been glued to the television screen in completing Tomb Raider:Anniversary and Manhunt 2 plus with the gym routine going on, i hardly have anytime for myself, not forgetting also the task of driving those nuisance kids from Hell to school while Grandma is sipping laici martini in Shanghai, Granpa is polishing his skills on Karaoke and the adults are going craze on eating vegetarian food. So who has the sane mind? Me of course being the victim of verbal abuse in the car by incessant shouting of petty fights who should sit on the front seat.

All that does not matter but you still have your mother been nagging you to get an RM 1 treatment from Government hospitals. After the day i landed here i have been dragged out from my bedroom to queue in the hospital for a free treatment for sinus, then the hassle of getting to the specialist center to get a nose medication, then i the day after that i have to go for a dentist checkup and it's only RM 1, it's cheap and it's for the people, so just go get free medicines thought you dont have illness. The nagging doesnt stops there, then there's the occasion where the hired maid would come and clean the SPOTLESS house even the tiles can be a mirror, trust me you have a overprotective, clean freak mum it comes with a overbearing,clean freak, hot tempered son who really wonders if the mum is going to turn this into a space center.

Then again, arent you glad at home? I am. Leave the sex for later. Keep dancing with the freaks, we are having too much fun.

Selfish Fag

2007-10-02T11:53:00.000+08:00

Been thinking for weeks to write this down, but sometimes it's just harsh to say some things but nevertheless it really reflects on oneself when comes to self evaluation on how people perceive u in the big picture. It's a cliche really but think of it as i am evaluating myself. Do you ever wonder what your friends reflect on you when they give you your birthday presents? Not out of the blue, but literally it means something to them or how they see you in their eyes.

I just past celebrating mine 2 weeks ago and i have some presents from friends. A book, 2 cards, an underwear, and a whole lot of sms'es and those some of those are rather racist and utterly nonsense. So let's start shall we? The first gift is rather a surprise to me really, it's from a good blogger friend, well let's say a very queenish one (if ur reading this, come lash me la! i dare u :p) The title is "Drama Queen: A Gay Man Guide To An Uncomplicated Life" i absolutely love this book, if he would have given me earlier i wouldn't be so dramatic like starting this blog for example. Really the book is a guide to not see that particular about things, friends and gay life.

I read the books discovering the type of friends, lifestyle, work, money and relationship, some points maybe inaccurate but it does help to know categories of friends that is in your circle. After reading this book, i begun to evaluate the people around me, it's weird because i didnt call The Pharmacist in a week, i cut myself from Alen, and i'm keen to keep in touch to people i just met. Maybe this gift is to tell me to stop being so violent and see things out of the box, thank you.

I do admit i'm very queenish depending on situations but do not act upon provoked cos that's just not my style and i had strangle the Ex, who just kept pestering me by invading my privacy while asking for his money (yes, i have return his petty cash), instantly i strangle him by choking his neck. He nearly puke i tell you, but the sight of him is so mesmerizing, because i already revenged for myself. So that put aside, i'm still a normal, push-my-button-you-know-wat-happen-to-you guy albeit that all the years of training in Taekwondo really helps especially anger management.

Second gift is an underwear from a sex buddy from 2 years ago who recently kept hounding me for dates, movies, and dinners. I like it actually but all our meet ups ends with a KISS.. Hello? A kiss? He's gotta be kidding me. Apparently he's trying to make me into some follower into interior designs, pottery barn and worship over pink Croc slippers. I guess i let the pictures do the judgement.

Ok, who would wear this? Fuck it must be out of his mind to give me such gift when meeting at his place. He says he likes me wearing it while fucking him. We had so much sex with each other the last 2 years while i'm in my way ward ways, he has become a regular more to say sex buddy, but now he's been calling me for coffee, dinners, lunch and even ask how my day went. Yes we had an intimate moments together but IN bed not OUT bed.

So it's another out of universe when a sex buddy wants to know you as a person, practically as a person with feelings and dignity not as a piece of fag meat that you picked up from a dating website. Thus the predicament we did have glorious sex that nite we met. It was so intense i release everything on him, the pounding the blowing and he knows i like it when eh blows me by his staircase. Mind you the way to the upper floor is full of mirrors. As you might have guess i put my knob with THAT on. Cliche really.

The last one is 2 cards and a whole lot of sms, some do remember me from highschool and that prove by sending me cards and sms but this one particular sms really make me felt miserable. During my Form Six years i have a bunch of friends old and new, and the new ones are the ones in my class that i hang out with after not talking in the First Year, we dip our noses in our Second Year after a gathering trip to Langkawi. Let just say that this guy YC is a very smart, articulate, calculative and very handsome (after he donned the nerdy look and go for Metro meets Lala)

He's now studying in Universiti Malaya and pursuing a career in Actuarial Science, yeah more calculations but brings big bucks in the pockets. I expect he would be the last person to send me the sms but still he's the first to send me. The message,

"Ah Chang, hapy birthday to you! U have all my best wishes, you only have us... and we are the closest you get"

Ok, wat does that mean? I was so happy to read the first half, but come the end, err "I Will Survive" and "Get Em Up Style"?

It took a lot of guts, that's what i have to say.

Irony

2007-09-24T13:45:00.000+08:00

It's very neurotic and at the same time nauseating at what comments we said to others before even thinking that ourselves is the problem. Gay guys have this sort of thinking that is

"I am alone, i might as well get used to it"

Familiar isnt it? Irony is i do sometimes i wonder do i have to succumb to myself in that way just because of reality? Surely living in total delusional-make-up-world is nice but i'm not insane nor i wanted to become as pathetic as Blanche Dubois. Well, reading back my past posts, i find it very funny that i would write something that irrelevant in my life and some are possible the reversal of the universe.

We rant and rant about our insecurities, loneliness and perhaps finding a soul mate but did we ever tried hard enough to realise it? Everyone is waiting to be sweep away by a Charming Prince but if we kept waiting, we might just aged with time passing us by and how many things that we havent do in our life searching for that.

Perhaps i should take a walk or a change in my life other than these four walls surrounding me like a jail cell? Cold, condemn to the deep ravens of pathetic nerds trying to hard to be a jock so to speak. Irony is i'm not a jock nor a nerd, i'm fucking in the the middle of everything, average, half full but never perfect or a glass full. Should i reconsider my decisions in my studies again?

Should i wait until the opportunity comes to me? Should i so something about myself? Should i be pumping gym despite the fact that i'm desperate for a change? Is pumping gym an escape for me or mainly i just want to see myself doing it and kept on thinking of that perfect body coming to me? Are my options for studies good? Did i take the right path? Why did i trust my guts?

So many questions to be answered and yet i am here, alone making indecisive answers with outcomes, either forget about it or do it. Irony is i should stop saying,

"I have a life other than these four walls"

It's the worst pick up line in history, blame on that stupid book i bought, my two cents worth!

It's Brian , Bitch!

2007-09-21T17:04:00.000+08:00

I cant remember the last time i celebrated my birthday since my young teenagers days. Hardly i must say as i see this day as the day i grew older and robbing my youth by one year! Well i didnt have any friends back then only a handful and we just celebrate by having a small gathering. Mum would cook red eggs and bought KFC for me in this case as i'm deeply in love with the fatty chicken.

Well now i'm here in KL, celebrating my birthday yet again, i'm turning 22 already. Time flies so fast, 22 years of walking on this face of Earth i feel glad that i'm alive and today i'm alive again. lol Weird as birthdays should be fun not sad and suicidal. Anyways, i have a date tonite. With tho you might ask?

With the city of course!

No wishes, they wont come true if you don't realise it anyway. Felicidadidas!

Balls of Fury

2007-09-19T17:28:00.000+08:00

"A huge comedy with TINY BALLS"

This is so seriously wrong.

http://www.ballsoffury.com/indexnew.php

Way-Ward Ways II

2007-09-18T12:17:00.000+08:00

Gosh the weather lately is so random. Firstly there's the occasional heat then coldness at night. It's like having an on/off erection on a desert. Therefore i've been sick for these 2 days, it's so depressing by popping Panadols into ur system and everytime it makes you wanna sleep. By the time i'm sleeping there would be 2 salesman yelling at me to buy their furniture which further the headache and harder to sleep. Here i am, now spruce up and healthy i continue my stories with men.

After a couple of months since the Marcus thing, i started again on dating websites. The first discovery of Axcest.com. Back then this website is reliable for good guys and cute guys, i mean those quality fags, I've met Chris and Alen through this website, and we are best buds until now, but recently it has be swamped by lalazai there aren't any good looking hunks surfing anymore, they all moved to Fridae or too busy pumping irons. One way or another back then i used to surf the profiles to drool on real cuties with their pictures. Only a few hours after me signing up i got a e-mail from this guy Sam.

Well we chatted and found out he's studying nearby here in Dasein Design School (just behind Jusco Setapak) So we decided to meet up the next day since it's Friday plus he's finishing his class earlier that expected. We meet up at Secret Recipe, i still remember i ordered a yogurt cheesecake and his New York cheese. we just sat there and had a chat. Sam was 170 cm tall, quite chubby but not too fat, short hair and very hairy on the chest (as you can see that he unbuttoned his collar and the hair protruding from it.) Nice smile and very very beautiful eyes. But there's a catch.

He has a boyfriend.

Apparently they have been dating for the past 6 months and he tells me all about his stories how much he admire him as a person and the long story go on and on until it was 5 pm i have to excuse myself before i suffocate on their stories of going to trips together, but it's quite weird you share stuffs on the first day of ur meeting whilst i was introducing myself from where i come from what i was doing here and all that. After a few days, he called for a meet up (i didnt keep in touch as it's weird to share so much on ur first day?) The venue is at his place where he lives with his boyfriend. The house is located near the Jalan Maharajalela Monorial station and it's behind a famous Hokkien Fried Mee shop, you can see a tall building of apartment.

So i directed myself to the entrance and wait for him to come down as you need a keycard to access. So he came down with a short pants and t shirt while smiling all the way to the entrance. Once i step into the apartment the whole surrounding is so creepy it's like a Hongkie's old horror flick (which once was very gore and bloody) the ceiling was green with small green tiles on the floor plus the dim light just reminds me of bumping into ghostly action. So he opened his door to his apartment and i settle myself down on the sofa after removing my shoes.

The apartment was nice, with the dining table on the middle, rack of clothes by the side. They also have a room for their clothes and stuff (damn lucky) then he asked me if i needed a drink, thus i just replied "Water". So he brings me a glass of water and then asked me if i like sandwich
I said i'm not hungry but then he just gives a small laugh and call me to their room. Well certainly a moron would know what is going on, but i just act cool and stuffs cos i know we are going to have sex and that's it. He opened the door to their room and the cool air just pass my face. I can see the computer on a small table by the floor, the bed by the end of the room with a long veil to cover the four corners of the bed which makes it look like a Balinese style bed.

Then i was shocked, his boyfriend is on the bed! With only an underwear and you can see his hunky body with well defined arms. Before i could turn around to walk out the door, Sam kissed me in the lips. I was stunned for a second and kept kissing him then his boyfriend whispers in my ear "I'm Steven". I didn't realize that this early of stages learning about gay life i suddenly drawn into a threesome so fast. That nite i also realize that i have the ability to give and to take.

Since a newbie in this, they run the show, first by sucking both my nipples simultaneously Sam on the right while Steven is on the left, gosh i was quickly having a hard erection in my pants already because they are so good in terms of sex of course. Then Steven directed me to blow Sam thus i did it while Steven hands me a dildo vibrator (kinda miniature size, just enuf to get u relax) so i lubed up Sam's hole and put the vibrator in while i'm sucking him. God he was moaning very loudly and that makes the boyfriend more hornier, he was watching by the sight of his partner being blown on a vibrator in his ass. Then i was asked again if i want to be sandwich, apparently i'm so dumb i thought it's food porn but it's me being in between these 2 guys and that's a sandwich. I was not into the idea but the hell, i give it a shot anyways, might as well did it since i'm already half through the sex.

I pulled the vibrator out slowly from Sam's ass and lubed myself up in condom and my ass. Firstly it was hard as in a sandwich position you have to be strategic, the legs, the hands must be coordinated to get the rhythm right. So i put my knob in Sam's ass, it was hard as it was so tight and very embrassing because i kept thrusting but to no avail cant get into his hole, he have to position my dick and i just pushed in. Then Steven tells me to raise my butt a bit higher and the next thing i know i was in the most ecstatic positions, pain and pleasure became real to me. That nite i cummed 3 times in a row.

I went back to my place by a cab about 2 a.m and showered and sleep. Bonus, this is a pic of me when i'm in this state having sex with them, with baggy eyes. I was in the dance thingy for the college co-curricular.

Sigh what happen to me? I'm so beautiful in the past 2 years, i need to keep my mojo up already.. :(

Perception Vice Versa

2007-09-12T01:32:00.001+08:00

In reality or let's say in the society, there are some pros and cons to help people or being a Good Samaritan, be it donations or making petty presence in an avant grande party: people do sometimes wonder what they did is right or wrong whilst looking in the mirror drunked and piss all over ourselves. The same goes in asking for a favour which is not going to be realise when you see the big picture.

Let's take an example, a donation collector comes to us with hope and that sad face of theirs with the sweats from their heads, grimy hands and the huffing and puffing of their tired self of being under the hot scorching sun for the whole day. Mostly they are rejected in the face straight away or we just politely just shoved them down the chuckhole. Some even rudely just show the "talk to the hand" sign, cant blame us really because there are so many fraud cases, technologies that has give ways to making fake cards where the insignia of the Government department is available thru the internet.

I, for one do shoved them away because i'm enjoying my lunch and being constantly pestered to make donations to the disabled or watever pictures in the portfolio. I mean for one, if they want to make awareness they should consult to the NGO bodies, where they would do these kind of awareness campaign to the public. The target audience are not the middle class but rather the aristocats class where Datins and Datuks who willing to spend a RM 500 per plate charity event.

But when reality checks in, do they really think donating away would benefit them than buying more LV's and Prada? That's the thing with reality check, like in advertising that's diffrence between good and bad publicity. Let's say a minister in the running of positions in their district will try to attract voters to vote for him, so the PR department will find causes and events would benefit and "upgrade" his well being, where the minister himself wont do it unless told to. So by donating to the disabled and helpless is a good publicity, when good publicity is concerned, it helps to build image plus the chances of being in the covers of magazines, newspaper would be all around the country.

When bad publicity is concern, the PR team will try to minimize the effect of the outcome, like telling what to do/not do when, during, after every meeting or parties. So if donations are to be made, they should ask from these groups, because firstly, when a Good Samaritan/figure appears on newspapers is appealing then the news gets spread around and suddenly you get to be in the lime light for doing good things.

Their wives on the other hand would have more time discussing with the other wives about handbags, batiks, clothes and the latest trend. So to speak, targeting them is also beneficial, considering the events such as fashion shows, "Batik" convention, they already spend over of what a professional would earn (not including jewelllry, Jimmy Choos, Gucci, Pradas, LV's, Burberry, Manolo Blahniks and etc) they would have spend over millions of tax payer's hard earned money per year.

The situation applies when i'm asking from help to be "leniant" in my test papers when i realised the mistakes by seeing the Head of School, it is an impossible task considering i dont have any benefits, not a famous for being a well known Aristocat's son, all i have is guts. Even i know it's not going to happen, but i did make an effort to present myself in a mild manner way. It's really up to him to decide whether to help me or not.

Sigh. What a day.

Way-Ward Ways I

2007-09-09T01:30:00.000+08:00

Since my last post, i am so eager to share with you guys some of my experiences of encounters with men/perverts/jerks. Initial sightings such as the horniness the humid weather and anything that involves face down to between legs is imaginable. Then with the hate over ex by putting naked picture of him here, and complaining the insecurities i'm having of not having the perfect body. Dramatic ain't it? I don't have anything to write lately, cos i'm having the blogger's block.

Relinquished the past might sound nice but depends on which past we are talking about therefore i'm introducing you to my other way ward self from 2 years ago before i got into this rehab centre called "Sanity". What's not better to start off on your own sexcapades with men? Better yet start it off with the guy who popped your cherry.

I came out of the closet when i was 18, initially with the discovery of Fridae.com. When i step my foot on KL i begin my rainbow brick walk. The walk into this rainbow valley is a heaven at first but after half way in it, the flowers don't look real like they used to instead it wilted one by one like our age. So being the freshie, i don't know anything so thus i just sign up on fridae just for fun then put some pictures and some sort.

Few days later, there's this one guy who message me, he's Marcus (real name in life) among all the good looking hunks in Fridae i wonder why he would be so interested in me. Without hesitation i reply my first message so gayishly and then i'm already dating this guy the 3rd day! Can't blame me because i'm naive. Everything was so perfect and i was thinking

"Did I score that soon? Blind luck?"

We meet on the 5th day again and it's a Saturday nite, he brought me to Liquid, apparently i'm so new there i do not know it's a gaybar until i saw two guys sticking their knobs in one guy's mouth drunk in the toilet. Shocked for an hands on experience seeing a live sex. (mind you one of the guy is pissing all over his body) So we partied i snap a few pictures there and there, snap with strangers, his friends and bla bla bla the drama.

Everything was so systematic, you meet, you like, you go out for dates, you partied and then the final showdown, you fucked. Naive happy me get to meet him again this time at HELP College in Damansara, that time he's in charge of the Wrigley's Next College Star, which never popped in TARC (our college all full of lala guys and girls) then he took me home which is in TTDI and he still lives there with his other 2 brothers which is also gays. Then introduce me to his room after walking up the stairs pass through a cushion at the right hand side of his door with clean TONNES of Calvin Klien underwears. (should have seen it cos it's so much)

So i settle myself and bathe, that time we were going to a Dunhill opening in Starhill that evening. So i packed my clothes so we go there from his place, well wat's a 2 fags do in a room? Fuck of course. Initially started with Mariah Carey's Heartbreaker Remix version after he took the CD at the right side of the room across the computer's table. The Queen size bed is in the middle with geometric print of black and white motive. The TV set is near the balcony and there's a fluffy cushion at the floor on a round red carpet.

The ceiling itself is black in colour with orange hues mix with brown paint. Once i walked in the room i immediately fell in love more with him. Fast-forward, we were watching a movie on his TV set, long before that we started to fondle with each other's nipples, the kiss was hot (he is a good kisser) then we fucked, started by licking all over me and then i'm lying down with my bum on a pillow while he lick my arse hole. Putting the knob was hard after he lube my hole with his saliva, the next thing i knw i'm enjoying it, gosh he was practically sweating all over me, with drops of sweat from his head when pushing in and out.

I didnt care that much but the fuck lasted about 10 minutes and he came all over my body. I was like, ewww but the kind naive me just give in and washed up. Fast forward again, after the sex, he ignore me for 2 weeks, the whole 2 weeks no calls, no sms replied not even anything, i was worried like a mad lunatic and then he send an sms break up (which i fucking hate). Speechless as i was i shed a tear over this jerk. Then months pass by i met the Pharmacist who is also a victim of Marcus and since then we became best friends until now.

He told me all about him and i have 2 months of tear jerking before getting over him because i was robbed of my virginity and being cheated because he loves meaty guys. Therefore i've become to a realization that Rainbow Brick aint that pretty anymore.

There's more to come, but i detest of turning this blog full with smut. Just a few more posts :p

Full Moon

2007-09-06T23:34:00.000+08:00

The weather is so fucking hot and humid today, after i went for my exam paper, i went back to my shit hole to find that my room is filled with people, yeah roomies leechers friends currently watching some stupid anime movies which i hate him downloading it when i'm using the connection. So i plan my workout early as usual, i went there at 6.30 pm.

Sit on my crappy motorbike and drive to my friendly local gym which most gymmers are there for the no-traffic place the gym dungeons. Gym dungeons are basically reffered to local gym that is not advertised and has no traffic with all people crowding it but consists of serious pumped-testorone hunky older guys with massive muscles. (after watching them for awhile, i'm gonna puke)

Oblivious to the humid weather, i started my workout. A 30 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes on the bike, lateral front and back pull, bicep curl, bicep fly, tricep crunch, bicep crunch, 100 sit ups (30, 30 for normal, 40 for abs crunch) then move on to the chest and push ups. Well i'm not sure about the terms cos i dont really know the actual name, so i give u a jizz of my routine which lasted about 3 hours with each steps of 5 rounds with 12 times moves each.

Sweat a lot more than i used to, i changed into my third shirt for the evening. I proceed to the free weights area after the cardio workout and lifted my bicep thingy starting with 17 kilos then 20 kilos then 22 kilos. Then comes the Hunk, which i deeply had a crush with after the incident of wearing a white tight spandex. This time he's wearing a pink spandex, other days he would be wearing yellow, black or blue but today PINK?

It didnt bother that much but then he was right in front of me while i was sitting down doing the weights, and i'm petrified by God-given-holy-light. I saw two full moons! Dammit my head was sweating more that usual, he was bending while the legs are standing and show me his buns in a tight, thin PINK spandex and the underwear is in white color!

(Sometimes the positions for gym routines are very faggylike, with positions u can think of, here's an example below)

Ok, not like this but when the guy below (bottom) needs to stretch his legs up to his neck, with a little help from a buddy (top) that just looks like a missionary position for anal fuck! Straight guys can be so naive! :P Well when one tries to help another gymmer in the gym u can see a lot of acts that is similar to fags getting their knob put inside a hole. Additional bonus is the grunting of pain and machoism makes the whole workout downright salah.

As the buns swayed up, down, up, down, up, down it was long before that my pants started to get tighter and i'm having a semi hard-on. Hard to believe but i was getting a hard on by watching this tight ass flashing in front of me, talking about perverts during the daylight.

Despite my horny eyes stripping him, my mind was not thinking to bury my face between the cracks instead i wanna have a mooncake! People, a hot tight straight ass flashing in front of me and i'm thinking about mooncakes! To worsen the idea i was thinking which flavour would be suitable for my taste buds... single yolk or double yolk, red bean or chocolate maybe jade pandan. What is happening to me?

Seriously i need a hard fuck and a blowjob.

Experiment No. 3

2007-08-30T22:57:00.000+08:00

This fag still loves his country! Happy Fucking Birthday!

*could have done better, but i'm lazy as a slob.

Experiement No. 2

2007-08-28T17:17:00.000+08:00

"The morning falls out and darkness fill the sky, moments of endearment cluster together into tainted minds and ideas"

Another amatuer design, trying very hard to create something fresh than lines and blocks, anyone willing to give me a lecture on Photoshop? I'm fine with Illustrator. As usual, give me your best critic.

Love 101

2007-08-23T21:15:00.000+08:00

Wondering how are the straight guys nowadays with their pick up lines. Apparently i've been doing some homework on honing my communication skills A.K.A "A Guide To Get Laid". Reading on pick up lines for straight guys, surprised that women nowadays can be impressed by simple yet annoyying annotations.

Just back from dinner where i incindentally eavesdropped on other people's conversation. There were 2 guys after taking their meal of KFC (i deserved a break!),one of them are on the call with a girl i suppose in this case let's call her Ah Lian and the guy talking on the phone Ah Beng. So apparently this Ah Beng is so satisified after a very fattening meal of a dinner plate, thus called up this Ah Lian. I observed and i'm surprised that women/girls would fall for their pick up lines.

While he's on the phone, (in Mandarin)

Ah Beng: What are you doing?
Ah Beng: Ohh, I just had something which barely satisfied my stomach but expensive.
Ah Beng: With Ah Beng No. 2 lor, he said he wants to know you.
Ah Beng: U dun want aa? I'm more hensem ler...
Ah Beng: Haiya, my mum give birth to me is a Superstar liao, i even can sing thim! Wanna karaoke sometime aa?
Ah Beng: So you didnt go out meh? Want me to meet you ma? I'm free.

For your information, the Ah Beng is about 5'7" with a belly, long hair and with nails! Not skinny but rather you know skinny guys with bellies which all gay guys would thought having a big Dong that kinda guy (which in the end did have a big Dong but a bottom :P). I guess he's 25 or something, apparently young and horny i guess.

See from the conversation are pick up lines for straight guys are like this? But better than the gay guys i suppose. Most of the pick up lines are like this.

"Hi, how ya doing?"
"Wanna fuck later?"
"Free tonite"
"Hi, I'm 26/m/chi lives in Cheras , 6" top, u?"
"Your cute, add me in msn ok?"

Well you guys be the judge, we have all these kinds of emails before. And the infamous,

"Hi, wanna be friends?"

Sadly to say we tried too hard, for me i tried too hard. Getting to know a person thru online is so hard, where we have profiles, we read them, we like the visual apperances thus we send an email, but we cant write any of the above because we might sound like a pedophile/sex seekers, thus we always and ALWAYS run around the yard like a fool, instead of being approachable we became jokers, asking irrelevant questions and that drives people away from getting to know you.

Better yet we comment on what he wrote on his profile/journals/blogs to get to know you. It might sound nice for the first time but after a few emails of emailling we got bored of him asking the same questions involving life and How Ya Doing? Then we stopped communicating and go for another fresh start. Bitter truth is gay guys have this motto,

"You like me but you dun wanna fuck, means you hate me"

Do decent pick up lines for gay guys exist? That's a big question mark to ur face!

Senses Working Overtime

2007-08-20T23:36:00.000+08:00

Envy to those of television's drama potrayal of a "perfect" gay couple is inevitable, watching any series/movies except Dante's Cove which is a stupid series emphasize too much on hot bodies and sweating into see thru black underwear. Wat's a single fag gotta do the whole day after a regime gym routine which i am seriously traumatised bored.

Not that traumatised after having a re-run on season after season of Sex And The City, The Shield, Alias, Nip/Tuck, Queer As Folk, Grey's Anatomy, Ugly Betty, Kingdom Hospital and so on, you can tell that my room is a fucking illegal DVD store, with DVD piled up over the 2 years i'm studying here, frankly i even have watched the stupid lamb zombie "Black Sheep" already and other titles that has not been shown here.

The perfect couple potrayal in most series is so absurd nowadays, they give hope to singletons and couplings the idea of a perfect relationship yet the divorce rate is going over the edge. Ironically i do not know why i would be so jealous seeing them in romantic mood, which includes kissing, hugging, having hot sex and yet be so coy/shy at the same time. Damn i hate those actors/actresses giving such a perfect performance. (no wonder i'm glued)

Maybe i'm on heat or watever reasons, it is wrong that they potray the perfect gay couple in QAF series between Paul Novotony and Michael Cameron. A perfect twinkie and perfect hunk together under bed sheets? What a scene! Watever tat is watching QAF is a pain in the ass, the fact that the potrayal of gays in the series is true and it's happening in real life. At least they keep in original, no wonder fags all over the world are so gaga over this piece of crap.

One thing is true, that only HOT people gets the attention, while the old-dried-sour-peaches are thrown down the gutters like disposable trash! Impressed by the potrayal of a dun give a shit Brian Kinney (which btw inspired me to go Advertising) and sometimes the naiveness that fags would commit. Sometimes i do wonder if i'm my original self, trying to change and yet the same time get the attention i want.

It is fun and determined for the first time, but once you know it's a long hard process, you give up half way, knowing that you cant get the success you want in a short time, plus if you are a person who really have low self esteem (me in this case) if you don't look like the part, you just ask urself are u worth that piece in someone's life or in society eyes. Then you gone into depressed mode (also know as on heat) you seek solace in stranger's arms for a night. Night after night with countless strangers we feel satisfied with ourselves which by the way the strangers we pick up are from the internet/saunas/clubs and other options of crusing.

We believe in ourselves that we had it or still has it. Developed a sense of faulty euphoria of confidence and we are ready to rock our gay world! Who am i complaining anyway, what am i thinking about writing this?

NUMB.

By the way, the answer to all our judgement/perceptions is not "I dont have time to please people", instead it's

"Fuck you" :)

Stranger In My Life

2007-08-12T02:19:00.000+08:00

Shucks! There are times that i slack off from everything, the feeling of giving up is impeccable yet i'm still hanging on the thin line that divides my dreams and reality. Don't know what gotten into me lately. Loneliness perhaps? or just a phase in my life to discover new things? Seldom online nowadays, just feeling blue at the moment.

Work sucks eventually, getting bored of the Hello-take-your-bets-Goodbye cycle which i can now even memorize or type it blindfolded! The gym has took it's turn to become the next gay cruising spot. Initially there was just me, a fag in a gym full of straight guys who are into getting their body pumped up, but now infested with skinny wannabes/fags which ticked off my gaydar with the infamous "nyonya" hand palm gesture while watching other pumped guys doing thier thing.

There's this fat guy, eventually he popped when i went to gym yesterday, looking so horny like he's going to devour every single muscle hunk in the gym, cruising around the gym as predicted, no sweat on the T-shirt and then suddenly looked at me as if i'm somekind of cheap ass that get his signal for a fuck! Hello i'm fat doesnt mean i would suck a fat arse. I'm so over it.

Feeling out of the blue... so suddenly. Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps.

8 Memories From The Past

2007-08-09T00:16:00.001+08:00

I've been tagged by Calvin to write 8 random things about my childhood. Despite my dysfunctional self destructive behaviour i'm just a normal lad. Let's just say what i am about to write let you guess if i'm normal self.

1. I consider myself as a very lucky kid, being in a family who has it all. House, cars, big family, love.... but me and my family came a long way to achieve this success. I used to live in a shabby small house, in the kampung. That's when my father and mum got married and my father is only a police constable (low wages) and then 2 years later my sister is born. We have to move out from the area because when it rains, the house will be flooded and the area is evicted by the local Government to build on Dr Mahathir's house. Yes, i used to live next to Dr Mahathir's mum and eldest sister. We stayed with Grandma's place which is a bungalow house, you can say the big family is under one roof, thus it's noisy all the time.

2. I used to run around naked in the kampung, i swam before in the river nearby my place, which i get caning from Mum, apparently i'm an out of control kid, famous for flashing kuku to the kampung neighbours nearby, worst of it all i'm wearing a scarf on my neck pretending as Superman.

3. There was once my Dad forgot to bring me back from school, I was Standard 4 i guess, i remember i waited for almost 4 hours in the school, under the hot scorching sun. Well, i don't know what made me do that, apparently i'm too stupid to go to the school's office for help nor did i ever think of a public phone (i dun have allowances, all are packed food) thus i walked home CRYING along the way, and my Grandma's house was like 10 kilometers away, walked until the big roundabout. I remember there's a good Samaritan asked me to get on his car, but i nodded "No" to him, guess Mum is teaching me alright "Dont talk to strangers". In the end i'm safe at home and the relatives was shock; i just pass out on the sofa sleeping.

4. During my Primary years i do have 2 dogs, Roitweiler dogs, yes the big black meanie dogs that will bark at anyone in their territory. I used to played with them, i was like half their size standing and i love giving them a pat on the head, I used to be bald/botak when i was small, because of the fleas always get into my hair! Thus whenever i'm near the dogs, i be wearing a turban with smelly concoction for getting rid of the fleas.

5. This is the moment i remember the most. I injured my leg while at home, my Dad bring me over to a doctor, free clinic doctor more to say, i don't know why the doctor said he's going to amputate my leg thus i stayed on the bed still like a vegetable and crying like a pup, and that lasted for 2 days, i dare not even move my hands on the food my Mum brings, just open my mouth "Aaaaaaaa...."

6. I've been to a bar once, yes a real bar with liqour and nasty cheap people. Back then, bars used to be a hang out place for my Dad and Mum, no drugs, just music of live band and people go there to just basically hang out, not like now. I remember i was asleep in a noisy place, after i went to see a horror flick with the family (uncut gore version that back then), usually after watching a horror flick i would sleep early because i have a silly phobia of seeing a real one.

7. I love my birthdays. Because being the eldest grandchild and the eldest son, i was pampered throughout my childhood years, all the relatives love and adore me, let's just say i'm pampered, so don't get jealous. lol I still have a picture of my first birthday, with food all on the table cooked by Grandma, with a big number "1" cake in front of me. Wish i could show you guys. As i grew older, i don't celebrate my birthdays much except for Mum and Grandma cook red coloured eggs and a cake and that's it.

8. I used to have tonnes of fairy tales books, but since the flood washed away and the moving, i always pester my Dad to buy me a complete set of fairy tale stories. He did buy for me but 2 very thick from Reader's Digest edition of famous fairy tales. I was so happy that time, i remember i hug the book to sleep, when i'm eating, going to tuition. My reading material that time was Reader's Digest, not really reading it but watching Dad doing the crosswords and learn from there.

That's some of the random moments that i had during childhood, i'm not going to tag anyone, it's been a sweet journey for me writing this. :p

Payback's A Bitch

2007-08-06T00:41:00.000+08:00

It baffled me sometimes that i have to deal with "old" more to say past affairs of relationships. Let's say all ends in a messy way. Despite the fact that it is embrassing but more to a more hateful love/hate ex relationship. Messy means breaking up via SMS, it happen to me and i hate him as much i hate my life. This is the second real relationship that i had and it lasted for 4 months.

The deal is, when i'm with him, i borrowed some sum of money from him, due to that time i am broke and in the need to settle my phone bills and daily expenses, i have to resort to him. Surely, starting of the relationship blossom with lovey dovey stuffs, then turned ugly when he get bored of me. Apparently, i didnt like him being so devoted to his avant-grande Toasim beliefs by abandoning me to go to his ceremonial stuffs, and most of it he's vegetarian. It didn't occurred to me but i prefer eating meat rather than wheat-artificial-meat.

It was that time when i'm coming back to KL early this January, he sent a sms for a breakup (yes people this Samantha Jones got punk'ed on posted SMS). That time i was not sad but hate the fact i would receive this kind of "divorce". A few days later, he asked me out for a dinner to sort things out, but when he popped the questions to give him back the money that i lend, i was furious. In my mind i was thinking breaking up like that and you still have the guts to ask from me? Sadly i didnt use my fists that time and regret it until today when realised he can be such an arse when in terms of money.

Arse means throwing nasty words at me when i delayed him for months, just for the fun of it initially but now it's becoming a really pain in the arse when being insulted by him after a long day of hearing some of the customers cursing while at work. Here's a preview of our sms conversation just now.

Arse: No money, delay, what am i suppose to expect from you this time?

Me: Can you just not push? Like u cant live without that 150. I already promised you i will settle it. What you want me to do?

Arse: Pushy?! Haha.... God?! After all the broken n empty promises. Month after month. Wat do u xpec? Sit bek n kis my own ass?! U r d 1 who promis nt me.

Me: If you can't wait then u ought to kick ur ass more

Arse: Come on fatty! U think 150 realy an isues 4me? U poor litle chub ijus njoy mysel pushin u around! Don try2 threaten me k. It wont b hard 2find fatty daddy if i want..ya. just 2let u knw.i do kept all those msg u send 2me all tis while..god cant wait 2shw it 2daddy.he vil bproud 2knw he has a gay son.haha

Me: Please do send those sms.

Arse: Glad u finaly giv me d go ahead. ive bin waitin for months!Don wory fatty u jus sit bac n relak.ivil run d show frm here. remember.. 150 is all ur pride worth!

That last sms is just overboard, and i'm tired of it, and i should get him out of my life. Frankly i'm not worried about his threats, because how are you going to find my father? You don't even know me or any details and i'm smart enough to not give too much. Insulting ain't it when you're reading it? The next one will make you laugh how pathethic he is.

Me: I will bank in for you this month, time to get it settle plus handled like a responsible adult and not dissing each other like 3 year old kid.

Arse: ok ok.. no problem 4me tis way..i hate 2 say tis brian. of all.i love u d mostn u hurt me d most.. jus let me knw aft u hav bank into my act..bye.. tek k.

Money can bring the demons out of us, i am going to get hold of my finiancial. Enough about me, as a bonus i will post a picture of him, for you to see how vulnerable he is here. Payback's a bitch! Duckcoop!

William Soo Wei Lian

Sorry if i offended (if he's your friend) i am not apologising for what i've said. Period.

P.S If you write his SMS on your phone, it's only for 1 SMS. You can imagine how he summarize his break up.

Wanton Attention

2007-08-03T01:39:00.000+08:00

These days have become a routine, gosh i did not know how i end up like this, the cycle is the same, eat-clean-gym-starve-sleep cycle and now my sleep cycle is fucked up because of the roomate's best friend a.k.a Leechers cant blooody hell stop snoring for the whole nite. I don't know how am i going to get through the thick skull of theirs to go back to their room and sleep.

I even tried using a very very simple message, example,

Me: Why next door no bed for you aa?

Leechers: Dunno..

Gosh, they are IQ zero! goddammintttt, i even locked the door during at night and he cant stop knocking on the door. I hate it when the roomate goes back i have to babysit another leecher, using my Ambi Pur, wiping his feet on my rug, even gets the share of breathing in clean air (i just purchase an air cleaner pot). I am so going to decapitated him by performing a stand on brain surgery like Hannibal's Professor Lecter crack open his victim's head and take their brains and cook on the grill!

Anyways, nothing major in my life lately, no bloopers or any significant fucked up moments that would rendered me and others speechless. Just that the Sis sick and i have to babysit another person. I'm not a nanny, just a brother, if your so sick, do not insist of going to repair your bloody computer and tell the parents about it and then my phone non stop ringing with them nagging and do this do that, help her do bla bla bla bla..

When i'm sick i don't see any of this happenning to me, just a phone call from Mum and that's it. Then the father bought me some bread and i'm bed ridden for the next 2 weeks. What to do? Precious gem in the family ma, but as i recalled i am carrying the family jewels, does that even sounds fair? Speechless..

By the way, drink lots of waters and keep exercising.

Catch And Release

2007-07-26T01:48:00.000+08:00

Humans discovered the wonders of inventions through centuries, from the Stone Age to now the Digital Era, where anything is possible now. Why i said this? Because today this invention that i do not use has rendered me the title of "Almost Famous" in my regional living area. Never i would thought that this would happen to me, maybe it's Karma over the things i have done.

After the incident with the roomate, i have been very careful with myself, over what i do, where i put my things, how i carry myself in this house, i still do he housework most of it though, but i dont mind, cos if no one's doing it, there would be cockroaches around this bloody shit hole. Today i was careless, careless enough that i realise the importance of this invention.

This invention is called the Underwear. Undergarments are created for people to protect the family jewels/cover up our private parts. Through modifications, there are now a range of undergarments that does not only consists of this function in fact now undergarments can enhance our looks, for example some underweare gives us an edge to the butt and some gave men a tighter buldge, then there's the T-back or butt floss for sports/outdoorsey persons;also provides fetishes/perverts for imagining things.

Usually every afternoon i would go have my lunch at the nearest coffee shop here, thus i bathe, change in my casual clothes and went there, had my lunch and head back home to plan what to do for the whole day. This is almost as a routine for me because this is what i do everyday before heading to gym at 4 pm. Sometimes i ignore to wear an undie on because it's near and it only took 30 minutes to finish the lunch and have a tele-break. Today was an ordinary day for meso i went on my crappy bike to the coffee shop and had my lunch, took a little bit of rice and on with selecting the dishes.

While i was selecting what to eat, suddenly my pants popped and nearly fell down to my knees, i was barely even grabbing my pants to my waist position while the other hand juggling with the plate of rice i had on earlier. Gosh, i was so shocked that time i don't know what to do, the next thing i know there are some glances thrown at me. The horror.

Gosh, it's so the end of the world for me, what happen if i didnt catch on time and reveal my big dong with 2 dings creating Ding Dong sounds with my bushy bush? I was blushing that time, even the auntie are smirking at me. I fasten up my pants and proceed to the counter to pay for my lunch, but the whole environment now is so odd. How do i go back there again tomorrow?

And you're wondering if i'm writing another amatuer review of Jennifer Garner's badly acting in her movie? Think again! I am so wearing my panties next time!

Numb.

FYI: I'm not fat, i just lost 10 kilos of weight. I didnt bother to tie up the strings attached to my pants BAH!!!

Hitman

2007-07-23T18:47:00.000+08:00

Another video game inspired movie released in October 2007. It's Hitman. Well certainly to non video gamers they do not understand the movie if they watched it, so i'm going to give a preview or sypnopsis of this game-inspired movie.

It's a story of an assassin, genetically engineered in underground for expriments by the Government. Experiments are labelled from numbers in order and branded with a bar-code behind the head, since the experiments are bald. All are proven as failures except Experiment 47 which is known as Agent 47 after he broke out and served under an unknown organisation called "The Agency". An assassin are paid to kill, thus in the video game, there are many levels for you to execute many styles to reach your target/objective.

Styles which includes the likes of throwing a bread toaster in the bath tub for electrocution, exploded piano from above to crush you, even fibre wire for asphixiation, poison syringe and that inclusive of dragging and hiding the bodies after you kill the characters. The game requires the gamers to masked themselves to reach the target, the game allows you to change costumes from time to time so that it will not reveal your identity.

In the game, gamers are more often to want to achieve the ranking of S.A (Silent Assassin) which an assassin should be, swift, quiet and brutal.

There are only 4 games from this title is:

Hitman: Codename 47
Hitman: Silent Assassin
Hitman Contracts
Hitman Blood Money

Should be a kick ass film, like Silent Hill.

Tears Dry On Their Own

2007-07-22T00:07:00.000+08:00

Today i went to the supposely my Convo day, i went anyways because of me wanting to meet my dear friends. Upon reaching there, i still have second thoughts of giving up the idea and just stay at home like the rest of the losers. But i digress, I have to get my trauma over with it, it's a stepping stone for me to really put this matter to rest.

Though i still think that life is unfair to me, in fact i still do not understand why i would fail. Well life indeed is unfair, even the clouds are dark and raining halfway thru the ceremony, prevented me from goin home on early basis. The moment i watched every of my friends recieving their regconition on the wide screen, i felt sad, dumb, and oblivious to the fact why i'm here.

Sometimes i do wonder if my luck has always been like this, whenever i feel sad, miserable, pathetic the weather would rain. I always hated the rain, it reminds me of so many failures i faced in the past and to happen now and be there it's a torture. Actually i don't know what i was thinking when deciding to go there, it's rather a spontaneous decision.

"The show must go on!" I said to myself, thus it's an auspicious occasion. I suck it up and put a facade to cover my emotions and smiling all the way meeting them and taking pictures.

I love you guys

The ironic part is, i am heartbroken thinking about my parents are dissapointed in me now. I really tried my best, i gave my all in those period. I don't want to be like this all the time, i cant be tough all the time, i can't always sacrifice everything i have to gain something. In the end what's left?

Nothing.

Cherry Lips II

2007-07-20T12:30:00.000+08:00

Sigh, supposely tomorrow is my Convocation Day 2006/2007 but due to not being able to bring up my game, i have to resit the failed subjects. Great, another emotional trauma waves before work even started! I got to know that this day is around the corner thus called up my friends who have pass and wish them "Congrats" since initially i can't make it this Saturday because of work.

Another lame excuse by me which consists of elements i-have-no-idea-to-put-my-face-seeing -you-guys-on-that-stage, to avoid me being there being numb and jealous. Well that was the initial idea, but then thinking back maybe i missed out on wishing people well in their future and stuffs, being in memorable picture taking together in hopes they will remember me that they had this friend.

Sounds pathetic isnt it? Like i'm measuring my own grave and sleep in it 6 feet under. Morever, i am not dead yet, until it's official people can walk over me but certainly not this one or future of dramas. A good quote from my own,

"If you can take it up the ass, take it like a man"

Emotionally i would want to be there, but to see others rather than yourself on stage, that's another big question mark. To go or not?